


a🅱engers assemble

by mymukemadness (orphan_account)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Adopted Children, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bisexual Michelle Jones, Bisexual Peter Parker, Ceiling Vent Clint Barton, Gay Harley Keener, Gay Ned Leeds, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), Genius Shuri (Marvel), Harley Keener as Iron Lad, Lesbian Shuri (Marvel), M/M, Mentioned May Parker (Spider-Man), Mentioned Michelle Jones, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Protective Harley Keener, Protective Ned Leeds, Protective Tony Stark, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Texting, Tony Stark Acting as Harley Keener's Parental Figure, Trans Clint Barton, Trans Peter Parker, Trans Shuri, Trans Steve Rogers, Trans Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:01:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 74,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24974272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/mymukemadness
Summary: a🅱engers assemble is BACK!for those of you that don't know a🅱engers assemble was a fanfiction based on a discord server of the avengers with an attached link to a discord server! we reset it and are reopening. ft. tony being a father, peter needing therapy, and shuri being gay.
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker, James "Bucky" Barnes & Peter Parker, James "Bucky" Barnes & Shuri, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, Matt Murdock & May Parker (Spider-Man), Matt Murdock & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones/Shuri, Ned Leeds/Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Avengers Team, Peter Parker & Natasha Romanov, Peter Parker & Shuri, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 11
Kudos: 94





	1. the beginning

_[_ 3:03 PM _]_

**pe🅱er**

first

who up 

**Sheds**

What the fuck is this?

Why is my name Sheds. Why.

**pe🅱er**

hi welcome to the gang gang

**Sheds**

Who are you?

**pe🅱er**

spiderman

:fingerguns:

**Sheds**

You're that kid from the airport?!

**pe🅱er**

hahhaaha yeah

**Sheds**

What is going on.

**pe🅱er**

well

you see

anyway everyone say thanks to mr stark for giving me your discords

**mr stank**

its not like i had a choice…

**Sheds**

Stark?

**pe🅱er**

__

**Sheds**

How old are you?

And _why_ is my name Sheds.

How did that happen why is it italicized.

**pe🅱er**

don't ask him that he feels bad about his age :(

he's only a little old

**Sheds**

How old are you, Spiderkid.

**pe🅱er**

spiderman aged

**mr stank**

He is 3

**pe🅱er**

_  
  
_

**Sheds**

Who else is in this thing.

**pe🅱er**

shuri is!

**Sheds**

And again, why is my name Sheds.

Shuri?

**pe🅱er**

because you shed like a golden retriever

**Sheds**

I think you mean Steve.

**pe🅱er**

ok fine because you shed like a steve

there is a cat on me

oh god shes runnign away

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Hello?

**pe🅱er**

hi mr captain america sir

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Uh.

Oh, are you that kid from the airport?

**pe🅱er**

i prefer the term maN but yeah

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Why is my name "Captain Dinnerplate?"

**Sheds**

He got me, too.

**Captain Dinnerplate**

I-

Bucky?

**Sheds**

Yeah, yeah. What about it?

**pe🅱er**

because your shield is the size of a dinner plate

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Oh! Haha, sheds, like barns, since your last name is Barnes!

I-

**Sheds**

You just got roasted, Steve. How do you feel?

**pe🅱er**

so. you got roasted.

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Oh, shut it, murder maniac. You literally came at me with a pocket knife.

Oh god.

Oh god please no.

**Sheds**

???

**pe🅱er**

pocket knives aren't even that scary literally jus get stabbed a few times for fun

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Never ever bring those up again.

**Sheds**

Bring what up?????

**pe🅱er**

jus make sure you're nice to mr stark then ;)

**Captain Dinnerplate**

…

**pe🅱er**

****

**Captain Dinnerplate**

So. you got a loading dock dropped on you at an airport fight.

**pe🅱er**

he is my emotional support father figure but no one tell him that ok

bruh

**Captain Dinnerplate**

And I'll have you know the correct punctuation is actually "So... you got detention."

**pe🅱er**

so... you got crushed by a building by your gfs crazy dad LOL

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Oh God why am I bringing this up Tony please don't look-

WHAT?

**pe🅱er**

who needs punctuation 

anyway i gave the cat back but i love her

**Sheds**

Who needs punctuality either

**pe🅱er**

****

**Captain Dinnerplate**

What are you doing, Bucky.

Yes I'm late, I'm sorry.

**pe🅱er**

so real talk. who's your fav member of 1d

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Of what?

**pe🅱er**

bruhhhh

**Sheds**

I agree with Steve

**pe🅱er**

BRUHHHH

**Sheds**

What is 1d

**pe🅱er**

one direction

the beatles but coOler and lowkey not straight LOL

**Sheds**

Why are you mentioning bugs?

**pe🅱er**

I'm,

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Beatles aren't just bugs, Bucky.

They're also a well-known band.

**pe🅱er**

brb gonna go swing into a building to make myself feel better

**Sheds**

I-

**pe🅱er**

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Donald Duck!

**Sheds**

It is in fact Donald Duck.

**pe🅱er**

ah so you know SOME THINGS

**Captain Dinnerplate**

We know Disney!

**pe🅱er**

Inch Restibn

**Sheds**

This nerd is the biggest Disney buff in the world.

He loves their movies.

**pe🅱er**

ah but do you know the Best Movie ,

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Hey! :-(

You love them too!

**pe🅱er**

Lilo and Stitch **🥵🥴**

**Captain Dinnerplate**

You watched them all with me!

**Sheds**

...

Ohana means family.

**pe🅱er**

eggsactly

**Sheds**

With the- with the little blue alien, right?

**pe🅱er**

@ **shuri** shuri i miss u

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Yes!

**pe🅱er**

yea

**Captain Dinnerplate**

The little blue alien that's actually exactly like you, Bucky.

**Sheds**

Last I checked the little blue alien had 4 arms, not 1.

Ugh.

**pe🅱er**

LMAO


	2. hot tubs

_[_ 3:28 PM _]_

**Sheds**

**@mr stank** I'm sorry. For the whole... airport thing.

All of the accords, honestly.

**mr stank**

intresting

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Did you hear what they're calling it? "The Avengers: Civil War"

**Sheds**

Hey.

You need to apologise too, hypocrite.

You dragged me into that.

And you need to apologise for the fucking bunker. I was fine.

You need to do a lot more than apologizing, honestly.

**pe🅱er**

**Captain Dinnerplate**

I...

Yeah. I do.

**pe🅱er**

**mr stank**

hm, no

**pe🅱er**

**Captain Dinnerplate**

What?

But I-

**pe🅱er**

**mr stank**

no, you left me for dead and your boyfriend killed my parents

**pe🅱er**

aunt may come pick me up im scared

**Captain Dinnerplate**

I know, Tony. And I know words will never make up for what I've done. I was in the wrong, entirely, on multiple levels.

**pe🅱er**

dw i can fight him if you want mr stark i gotchu

**mr stank**

you also tried to drop like 10 tons of concrete on peter... and thats unforgivable

**pe🅱er**

hey wait that was fine

**mr stank**

no it wasn't, value yourself more or you're grounded

**Captain Dinnerplate**

He could hold it up!

**pe🅱er**

you cant ground me youre not my aunt

**mr stank**

HES 3

**pe🅱er**

I AM NOT THREE

**Captain Dinnerplate**

He blocked Bucky's punch just fine!

**mr stank**

He may be strong but he DOESNT NEED THIS TRAUMA

**pe🅱er**

yeah lol that was FUCKIN wild

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Although, yeah actually, how old are you, kid?

**pe🅱er**

i am definitely an age

**Sheds**

He's 15.

**pe🅱er**

DAMB you just outed me

**Sheds**

Peter Parker, attends Midtown High School.

**pe🅱er**

**Sheds**

Well. Midtown High School of Science and Technology, in full.

**pe🅱er**

if it helps im mature for my age bc "Trauma" or whatever

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Jesus, kid.

15 and already have a T.E.?

WAIT.

15?

T O N Y.

**pe🅱er**

you can't blame mr stark!

**mr stank**

NOT MY FINEST MOMENT, YOu LEFT ME NO CHOICE

**pe🅱er**

he gave me a suit and even after he got mad at me he gave me it back so that was cool

**mr stank**

HE DID IT IN A ONSIE, HE ALMOST DIED MULTIPLE TIMES, HE NEEDED ASSISTENCE

**Sheds**

See kid, what you do when an old man offers to bring you somewhere nice, you say "no."

**pe🅱er**

ok i didn't almost die multiple times it was like once or twice

**mr stank**

... Kid, you were in pajamas

**pe🅱er**

yeah but like.... cool pajamas

**mr stank**

IN NEW york no less, YOU Cant regulate body temperature HOW diD You survive winter

**pe🅱er**

ok so this was fun BUT can we go back to the part that was not about how awesome i am and how i am old enough to do this

bc les be honest there's no point in stopping me so like. might as well not cause a fuss you know

**mr stank**

>:(

**Captain Dinnerplate**

>:-(

**mr stank**

i know i cannot stop you, but i can atleast make sure youre safe

also gross dinosaurs using emojis

**pe🅱er**

**mr stank**

or emoticons ?

**Captain Dinnerplate**

...The dinosaurs are dead?

**mr stank**

…

**pe🅱er**

you proved that wrong

**Sheds**

Haha

Dinosaur man

**mr stank**

Barnes arent you older than him?

**Captain Dinnerplate**

I- wha- hey!

Yeah!

You're older than me!

**mr stank**

Gross old people

**pe🅱er**

nursing home time 

**Captain Dinnerplate**

You have no room to speak here, Tony.

Hey. Shouldn't you be in preschool, kid?

**mr stank**

i’m the epiphany of YOuth, What are you talkin about

**pe🅱er**

you cant be mean to me my auntll get mad

**FRIDAY**

[User: 'Sheds' voice-to-text activated]

**Sheds**

Oh! Shots _fired_!

_...did I do that right, Shuri?_

_...perfectly, Barnes._

_[_ 4:57 PM _]_

**pe🅱er**

im sO SAD

my life is horrible :(

**Mr Blind Man**

Unfortunate.

**pe🅱er**

that's an exaggeration i just miss ned AND he just got a new lego set but we can't build it together

**Mr Blind Man**

Ouch.

**pe🅱er**

yeah

what's up with this corona nonsense it do be ruining my life 

**Mr Blind Man**

I'm benefiting. Lots of lawsuits.

Not great, though.

**pe🅱er**

ok "lawyer"

**Mr Blind Man**

Not really sure what the quotation marks are for, but okay.

**pe🅱er**

im not legally required to explain myself to you

sorry that was mean :(

**Mr Blind Man**

Fair.

**pe🅱er**

you have a cat right how is he

or she idk

**Mr Blind Man**

I don't have a cat. I just feed her.

pe🅱er

ok

how is she

**Mr Blind Man**

She's good. She got her shots yesterday.

**pe🅱er**

I See

**Sheds**

He doesn't

**pe🅱er**

i like her but i especially like the pics you send of her they have a Good Vibe

**Mr Blind Man**

Good one.

**pe🅱er**

other than when you miss the cat completely and its a pic of your wall

**Mr Blind Man**

Foggy usually takes them.

I don't even have a camera on my phone.

**pe🅱er**

are you telling me foggy just takes pictures of the wall to mess with me

**Mr Blind Man**

Sounds plausible.

**pe🅱er**

im so disappointed in him 

**Mr Blind Man**

I'm not.

**Sheds**

Absolute madlad.

I love whoever he is already.

**pe🅱er**

sooooOoo

mr murdock

when you and foggy go into a hot tub how close do you sit to each other

**Mr Blind Man**

I've never been in a hot tub, let alone with Foggy. I don't like the smell of chlorine.

Weird question.

**pe🅱er**

thanks

um

**Mr Blind Man**

Okay.

**pe🅱er**

so uh

are you and foggy roommates

**Mr Blind Man**

We were in college.

**pe🅱er**

what about now

do you perhaps . live together

**Mr Blind Man**

I'm an adult, so no.

**pe🅱er**

adults can live with others

**Mr Blind Man**

They can.

**pe🅱er**

do You

**Mr Blind Man**

No.

**pe🅱er**

so mr murdock is there anyone special in your life

**Mr Blind Man**

Jesus.

**pe🅱er**

um

in a romantic way?

**Mr Blind Man**

Jesus.

That one was a joke.

**pe🅱er**

ok you know what i give up im jus gonna assume yes

**Mr Blind Man**

No.

**pe🅱er**

you ARENT dating???

**Mr Blind Man**

NO????

**pe🅱er**

im so sad i thought you guys were gonna adopt!!!

or like foster or something

**Mr Blind Man**

What.

**pe🅱er**

wait are we talking about the same thing

**Mr Blind Man**

I'm not sure.

**Sheds**

What in the fuck

This is Barnes by the way. Shuri ran off for uhhhhh Science!.

**pe🅱er**

foggy told me that he was trying to learn about foster care and all and he said something about how it was rlly important to you i thought you 2 were thinking about fostering ????

**Sheds**

Trademark pending.

**Mr Blind Man**

Hey Barnes.

No, there's a lawsuit.

**pe🅱er**

O h

**Mr Blind Man**

Yeah.

**pe🅱er**

nvm ignore everything i said but you ARE dating foggy right

**Mr Blind Man**

No?

**pe🅱er**

but...

what

**Mr Blind Man**

What?

**pe🅱er**

he uh

nvm

**Mr Blind Man**

Okay.

**pe🅱er**

good talk


	3. peter parkers how to guide on getting a boyfriend

_[_ 11:17 PM _]_

**pe🅱er**

anywsy im worried about ned im gonna swing by his place

is that creepy

**Sleepytime**

no 

**pe🅱er**

OH also **@Sleepytime** just so we can get this over with TECHNICALLY im 15 and spiderman so like don't freak out like the others low-key did

**Sleepytime**

I already figured that out

**pe🅱er**

ah yeah that makes sense

anywaY im at his place oh god

texting him to open his window 

brb

**Sleepytime**

I am uncomfortable with the fact that you're still a child

**pe🅱er**

uh???

UH????

U H ??????

hey mr stark do you have a room with sound proof walls that i can scream in for a minute

**Sleepytime**

why would you need that?

**pe🅱er**

i need to scream

 **@mr stank** mr stark pls

**mr stank**

yeah kid

**pe🅱er**

thank u

**mr stank**

i sound proofed your room since your hearing is sensative and dont want to wake you up

**pe🅱er**

im omw and then i need tos cream and illwgovr you the suit 

wait i have a room

**mr stank**

yeah you have a floor...

**pe🅱er**

i have a WHAT

**mr stank**

yeah you have a personal gym, kitchen, room guest room etc

**pe🅱er**

im,

shits crazy

**mr stank**

kid you have a home here if you ever need it

i have every room stocked with a medkit and you can toggle friday on and off thats yours

**pe🅱er**

oh my goD i jhst slammed into a. window

**mr stank**

Stop texting while swinging

**pe🅱er**

that wasn't the PROBLEM

**mr stank**

What happened?

im gonna add a window detector to your suit

**pe🅱er**

notvin it's all good im just FNCBBBCBVN you know

ok hi im here here's the suit im gonna go scream

**mr stank**

alright kid

im here if you want to ice cream and binge movies

**pe🅱er**

no it's fine it's all good i just gotta scream

like Oh Shit

mr stank

what does it mean. if someone kisses you out of nowhere .

 **@mr stank** mr stark pls

**mr stank**

it means

they like you

ill plan the wedding

**pe🅱er**

but. HHHHH what if they apologize and say it was an accident after

THEN WHAT

**Sleepytime**

I'll threaten them??

**pe🅱er**

NO please dont

it's fine it's just HHhgbbggbgn

**mr stank**

no nat you're onto something

**pe🅱er**

NO

mr stark PLEASE no

**Sleepytime**

who was it?

**pe🅱er**

hhhhbbg no one

**pe🅱er**

pls leave him alone it's not a big deal i will Figure It Out

guys?

are y'all gonna leave him alone???

**mr stank**

of course we are

:)

_[_ Private chat created between **@mr stank** and **@Sleepytime** . _]_

**mr stank**

Nat his name is Ned Leeds

**Sleepytime**

ok

_[_ Private chat closed. _]_

**pe🅱er**

mr stark pls

,,oh fUCKits almost curfew And i can't get home this quick

mr stork can i stay here tonight and you can text aunt may and tell her plsssssssss

**mr stank**

yeah

why dont you just call her?

**pe🅱er**

thank u

cos she will KNOW somethings off

_[_ 12:04 _]_

**pe🅱er**

hhhhhhhhh

guYs

ned texted me

guys i think i might like him

**mr stank**

talk to him?

**pe🅱er**

i CANT DO THST

Oh god

he's typing 

**Captain Dinnerplate**

I would like to state for the record: gay.

**pe🅱er**

I would like to state for the record

mr stank got 

did you see those messages lol 

mr captain america **@Captain Dinnerplate**

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Huh?

Sorry, I'm gay.

**pe🅱er**

i

ok

**Captain Dinnerplate**

...That's gay. (edited)

**pe🅱er**

sure

**Captain Dinnerplate**

GAY (edited)

**pe🅱er**

thanks Fri very funny

huh

wait

fri hsd been acting weird today

 **@mr stank** mr stark is fridya ok

**Sleepytime**

Peter

**pe🅱er**

hi

**Sleepytime**

I have found Mr. Leed's address

**pe🅱er**

uh

why?

**Sleepytime**

You know why

**pe🅱er**

please dont

pleAse don't its fine we're . drealingn with it

**Sleepytime**

fine

**pe🅱er**

he doesn't like me it was a mistake and wree fine now

**Sleepytime**

Are you sure that it was a mistake? it does not seem like it

**pe🅱er**

what

**pe🅱er**

he. kissed me and he said it was a mistake so

**Sleepytime**

That does not necessarily mean that it's the truth

**pe🅱er**

ms natasha it's fine

**Sleepytime**

If you say so

**pe🅱er**

i do

so uh

yeah

**Sheds**

Hey, spideyboy

It's shuri

**pe🅱er**

no

im all set 

**Sheds**

Did you react at all when/after he kissed you? Because honestly, if I kissed MJ, and she just froze and didn't react, I would also apologise and say it was an accident. A mistake, if you will

**pe🅱er**

i uh

i don't think this is Relevant

**Sheds**

Oh my _god_

You froze, didn't you

**pe🅱er**

no.

i uh

i did something worse

**Sheds**

Okoye says "like a dear in headlights"

Huh?

**pe🅱er**

i RAMBLED

i just ??? didn't expect it and i just. i panic rambled and then he said it was a mistake and he was sorry and I threw myself out the window and left

**Sheds**

....yyyyeaaahhh, that's definitely worse.

**Mr Blind Man**

What I miss.

**Sheds**

spidey is an idiot.

**pe🅱er**

I KNOW ITS WORSE

**Mr Blind Man**

I am aware.

**pe🅱er**

im not an idiot im just dumb

**Mr Blind Man**

My bad.

**Sheds**

Okay, well, go back and kiss the nerd!

**pe🅱er**

yeah :(

NO

icant do that

**Sheds**

Kiss him back you fool!

**pe🅱er**

????? no

why would i do that

**Sheds**

BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU, OH MY GOD

**Mr Blind Man**

No, you might get sick. Do it in like, a month.

**pe🅱er**

irs like 2 hours late AND past curfew

**Sheds**

Ned is probably _crying_ , Peter

**pe🅱er**

funny story sorry mr murdock but we already kissed by mistake

WHAT

no

**Sheds**

Because he thinks you don't like him back!

**pe🅱er**

why would he be crying he's the one who said it was a mistake

I didn't say thAT

**Mr Blind Man**

How do you get within six feet of someone by accident.

**pe🅱er**

i was worried about him and i swung too enthusiastically into his window and then he kissed me and i panicked and yote myself out of his window

**Mr Blind Man**

That's gay.

**pe🅱er**

ok abd

**Sheds**

He probably thought you were rambling because "oh god I don't like him like that but I can't just _say that_ oh god what do I say oh god I'm rambling" is exactly the sort of train of thought you'd have. Unfortunately, your dumb gay brain had the same reaction even though you _do_ like him.

**Mr Blind Man**

I'm just saying.

**Sheds**

SO GO BACK AND KISS HIM YOU NERD

**pe🅱er**

anyway i never said i didn't like him back i just said "oh fuck oh shit" over and over again and also i might(?) have said something about not wanting to ruin our friendship which looking back sounds bad

I CANT I DONT HAVE MY SUIT

**Sheds**

THEN GET YOUR SUIT YOU COWARD

**pe🅱er**

and let me REMIND YOU it's past curfew

I DONT WANNA GET IN TROUVLE

**Mr Blind Man**

Jesus Christ kid, I have a spare. Do you need me to stop by?

**pe🅱er**

mr stark was updating mine or something

hhhhbgnggbg

mr murdock should i go kiss him

**Mr Blind Man**

I don't know how healthy relationships work, pass.

**pe🅱er**

just like. what if be doesn't like me and all you know ??? or what if hes asleep!!! or what if hes mad at ke

oh god

hhhhhhhnbgg ok fine ill go over

BUT NOT to kiss him just to check on him

**Mr Blind Man**

Sure.

**pe🅱er**

**@mr stank** mr stank im sorry im taking the suit and going out past curfew pls don't ground me it's shuris fault

guh

**Mr Blind Man**

Guh.

**pe🅱er**

SHURI what if he's asleep

gUYS

**Mr Blind Man**

If he's sleeping then just don't go in. It's called using your eyes.

**pe🅱er**

yeah you're an expert on thst

**Mr Blind Man**

Don't expect to wake up tomorrow.

**pe🅱er**

but if he's SLEEPING then icame here for nothing and ill get in trouvle

i already didn't expect to

checkmate i want to die 

**Mr Blind Man**

You tire me.

**pe🅱er**

YEAH wELL

**Mr Blind Man**

Uhuh.

**pe🅱er**

BE NIXE

you can't be mean im confused:(

**Sheds**

GO KISS THE BOY

**Mr Blind Man**

Nowhere in my contract does it say that I'm not allowed to be mean.

**pe🅱er**

I'm goiNG

**Sheds**

G O

**pe🅱er**

no but it's mean :( im just a child

I AM FUCK U

**Sheds**

Ew no

**pe🅱er**

oh my FREAKIBN GOSH

**Mr Blind Man**

Swing low, sweet chariot.

**pe🅱er**

shuri. i depsise you right now

mr murdock what does that MEAN

**Mr Blind Man**

Cough.

**pe🅱er**

bless u

**Mr Blind Man**

Not quite.

**pe🅱er**

oh wait you're Catholic right i have a question

**Mr Blind Man**

Sigh.

**pe🅱er**

is god real

**Mr Blind Man**

Eh.

**Sheds**

Bast is

**pe🅱er**

like do you smell him or something

HHHHHH

**Mr Blind Man**

I dunno, maybe.

**pe🅱er**

im scared

**Mr Blind Man**

As you should be.

**pe🅱er**

guys maybe i should just go home if i get home without anyone knowing i probably won't get grounded righ

**Mr Blind Man**

Doubtful.

**pe🅱er**

HHHH imehere

what do i even say

oh god

oh fUCK

he's awake

HHHHH

**Mr Blind Man**

Throw up on him.

**pe🅱er**

SHURI HES NOT CRYING RN BUT I THINK HW WAS YOY WERE RIGHT FUCK **@Sheds**

NO???

ok brb

FUCK

**Mr Blind Man**

B)

**pe🅱er**

um

Fuck

**Sheds**

see?

I told you

**pe🅱er**

i kissed him

well really i uh

**Mr Blind Man**

Threw up.

**pe🅱er**

i rambled a lot and then i kissd him

**Mr Blind Man**

Not nearly as exciting, but kudos.

**pe🅱er**

and then his mom woke up so now im on his closets ceiling can i get an f

**Mr Blind Man**

Back in the closet?

**pe🅱er**

mr murdock

i mean this in the KINDEST way possible

fuck you

ok his mom left

**Mr Blind Man**

Sorry, I just feel like being an asshole today. Foggy says I'm on my period.

**pe🅱er**

its cool

i don't take you seriously when you act like this i figure it's because im talking about my feelings and you're allergic to those

**Mr Blind Man**

Potentially.

**pe🅱er**

that means yes

OKAY time to get out of the closet

**Sheds**

Oh? Coming out?

**pe🅱er**

:(

**Mr Blind Man**

Heh.

**Sheds**

So, are you and your guy in the chair dating now?

**pe🅱er**

ok ok i left his place since like

1 am and all

but uh FUCK

idk

we kissed and i apologized for just Leaving but idk

guys

why can't i just not exist

**Mr Blind Man**

I know a guy.

**pe🅱er**

will he kill me

**Mr Blind Man**

Better.

**pe🅱er**

what's better than that

**Mr Blind Man**

He's a therapist.

**pe🅱er**

ugh

no

**Mr Blind Man**

I was kidding, I would never be friends with a therapist.

**pe🅱er**

thank god

**Mr Blind Man**

I have church for that.

**pe🅱er**

that's somehow worse

**Mr Blind Man**

Maybe, but it's free.

**pe🅱er**

oh god

jus sat up

got dizY

**Mr Blind Man**

That happens.

**pe🅱er**

where am i lmao

like im on a roof somewhere but idk exactly where

**Mr Blind Man**

Why do you not know that.

**pe🅱er**

because i laid down on a roof??? and my brain shut off

**Mr Blind Man**

Nice.

**pe🅱er**

yeah thanks

**Mr Blind Man**

Isn't it your bedtime?

**pe🅱er**

I don't have abedtime

**Mr Blind Man**

You should.

**pe🅱er**

mr murdock pls

i have aunt may and mr stark i DONT need another overprotective adult

**Mr Blind Man**

Good thing I didn't ask.

**pe🅱er**

yohte supposed to be like the cool one

like if i get stabbed or somethin i can go to you and youll like help but you won't freak out that's you

**Mr Blind Man**

The bedtime is more for my benefit than yours, if that makes it any better.

**pe🅱er**

donts

**Mr Blind Man**

Well, I tried.

**pe🅱er**

do i need to go back or can i just sleep here

**Mr Blind Man**

I thought you were supposed to be smart.

**pe🅱er**

im also not supposed to go out after curfew or take the suit when it's in the middle of updates but here we arw

**Mr Blind Man**

Do you need me to come get you?

**pe🅱er**

no imeonna roof

**Mr Blind Man**

You have five minutes to get moving before I go get you myself.

**pe🅱er**

:(

you're not my dad

**Mr Blind Man**

We both know I am capable of carrying you for several miles.

**pe🅱er**

yeah it's homophobic

**Mr Blind Man**

I am not sure how that is applicable, but okay.

**pe🅱er**

hate crimes

ok ok ok im up

**Mr Blind Man**

I'm blind. How the hell do you think that's going to hold up in court?

**pe🅱er**

i think that there is something shady happning in the alley

**Mr Blind Man**

Be careful.

**pe🅱er**

when am i not

don't answer thst

**Mr Blind Man**

Always.

**pe🅱er**

sh

oh lol NVM it's just a cat

**Mr Blind Man**

I know you can't see me right now but I just rolled my eyes.

**pe🅱er**

wait you have eyes?

**Mr Blind Man**

No.

**pe🅱er**

ah

**Mr Blind Man**

I was kidding.

**pe🅱er**

ok so i moved so you don't have to come here ha

**Mr Blind Man**

Okay.

**pe🅱er**

good

coolcoolcool

i don't wanna go back :((((

idk what i wanna do but maybe i wanna stay on this roof it's nice

**Mr Blind Man**

You can come to my apartment, roof access is open. I can cover for you.

**pe🅱er**

i should ask mr stark to install a tooth brush into the suit

like it just brushes them you know

**Mr Blind Man**

Okay.

**pe🅱er**

no i cant Mr starkll get mad

supposed to be in bed already

**Mr Blind Man**

I can just tell him we were training or something.

I'm very good at lying.

**pe🅱er**

me too

**Mr Blind Man**

No you're not.

**pe🅱er**

ok

**Sheds**

You got your boy!!

**Mr Blind Man**

That was easier than I thought it would be.

**pe🅱er**

no iedidnt

we aren't dating

**Mr Blind Man**

Uhuh.

**pe🅱er**

we arenttttt

we didn't talk about it

**Mr Blind Man**

But you kissed.

**pe🅱er**

yea

kissing doesn't mean much right

i kissed mj once

dont tell shuri shell get 

**Mr Blind Man**

Unless this is going to be a friends-with-benefits sort of thing, but considering the way his heart jackrabbits when you walk into the room, I'm gonna go with a no on that one.

**pe🅱er**

i

ok

does mine do thst

when he walks in

**Mr Blind Man**

No comment.

**pe🅱er**

ohgod

sometimes i wish i wasnt a sticky guy you know

**Mr Blind Man**

Foggy says I shouldn't tell people these things but it makes my life so much easier.

**pe🅱er**

like i wish i could jus fly like mr stark sometimes cos then i woudltn have to do this

like swinging is fun but i hit TWO WINDOES tofay

**Sheds**

You kissed MJ????

When the fuck.

**Mr Blind Man**

I thought you had Peter-tingles for that.

**pe🅱er**

once

i do

also

not peter tingles

fuckjn hell hqvsr you been hanging with aunt may

**Mr Blind Man**

We have tea sometimes.

**pe🅱er**

it's Spidey sense not petertinges

**Mr Blind Man**

I know, but it's funnier.

**pe🅱er**

i can't believe you're cheating on our friendship with my AUNT

**Mr Blind Man**

There are several issues with that sentence.

**pe🅱er**

i don't puncuste.u know tgis

mr murdock i am HOME

**Mr Blind Man**

I didn't mean grammatical, but okay.

**pe🅱er**

wait i don't live here

im at the uhhh

**Mr Blind Man**

You don't, no.

**pe🅱er**

wait a m i at your place

**Mr Blind Man**

Yes.

**pe🅱er**

why am i dumb

**Mr Blind Man**

Dunno.

**pe🅱er**

i don't remember deciding to come here but ok

idk it's the closest so that's prolly wbg rifgt

**Mr Blind Man**

I used my mind-control powers to make you.

**pe🅱er**

mr murdock why are you up

omg we should have a sleepover

**Mr Blind Man**

What.

**pe🅱er**

idk

sorry

im tired and im also kinda you know

**Mr Blind Man**

Fair enough.

**Mr Blind Man**

I have spare clothes in the closet if you need any. You never take them home.

**pe🅱er**

thankz

mr murdock i would rather die than have a physical form right now

**Mr Blind Man**

Same.

**pe🅱er**

coolcoolcool

**Mr Blind Man**

I guess.

If you need to you can use the shower.

**pe🅱er**

i feel like you missed my point

**Mr Blind Man**

I'm not really sure how to fix that one.

Which is why I'm drinking at 2 in the morning.

**pe🅱er**

coo beans 

ah fun

can i have one

**Mr Blind Man**

Your aunt would kill me. No.

**pe🅱er**

pleasseeeee

**pe🅱er**

she won't know and also she won't care it's a safe environment and she trusts you

**Mr Blind Man**

Fine. You can have one. You have a speedy metabolism anyways, I doubt it will even do anything.

**pe🅱er**

heLL yeAh

i feel like this was a trap

**Mr Blind Man**

It was.

**pe🅱er**

I see

is aunt may here ready to lecture me then?

**Mr Blind Man**

No, but Foggy says I have shit taste in beer.

**pe🅱er**

yea

idk i don't drink

mr stark gets all like "oof ouch my bones" about it

**Mr Blind Man**

That makes sense.

**pe🅱er**

and aunt may i guess would let me maybe but like. ive tried what she gets and it's gross

**Mr Blind Man**

People generally don't drink for the flavor.

**pe🅱er**

yeah well Metabolism so 

**Mr Blind Man**

Yeah.

**pe🅱er**

i tried to convince mr thor to let me have some of his asgardian stuff cos that would definitely do it but mr stark got really freaked out so i guess that's not gonna happen

**Mr Blind Man**

Thank god my radioactive mutation bullshit didn't give me super-metabolism. I don't think I could live without alcohol.

That sounded bad.

**pe🅱er**

wow sounds like a functioning alcoholic

my health teachers uncle was a functioning alcoholic he told us many stories about him

**Mr Blind Man**

Yeah that Asguardian stuff is definitely enough to get you drunk.

**pe🅱er**

yeah but mr stark would get friday to snitch lol

**Mr Blind Man**

I'm not saying you should get any. Drunk Peter sounds like a pain in the ass, no offense.

**pe🅱er**

basically im stuck until im old enough to find something thatll get me drunk

jerk

**Mr Blind Man**

Fair.

**pe🅱er**

i guess i couldd try weed or smth but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Mr Blind Man**

Wait for college for that one.

**pe🅱er**

nah

gotta wait till after college

**Mr Blind Man**

Good man.

**pe🅱er**

ill probably have to get a scholarship and all and if i got caught id lsoe it you know 

**Mr Blind Man**

True.

Although I'm sure Stark is going to want to pay for it.

**pe🅱er**

what

**Mr Blind Man**

College.

**pe🅱er**

no thars dumb he shouldnt

he gave me money againtoday

**Mr Blind Man**

He's literally the richest man in the country. Paying for you to go to even Harvard or someplace like that wouldn't even put a dent in his wallet.(edited)

**pe🅱er**

oh

yea

i guess

but like i can probably get. scholarship or a job he should start some sorta scholarsgop thing for people who cant get ones like i can

**Mr Blind Man**

I dunno, I'm not him.

**pe🅱er**

mj doesn't like mr stark cos she thinks he needs to do more community work and donate more

**Mr Blind Man**

Hm.

**pe🅱er**

you know mj right

**Mr Blind Man**

She would be hard to forget.

**pe🅱er**

she's SCARY

**Mr Blind Man**

She reminds me of Karen.

**pe🅱er**

god yea

shuri and mj dating is gonna suck for everyone that's terrifyin

**Mr Blind Man**

She's like a smaller, more feminist version.

And I feel more safe because she doesn't own a gun.

**pe🅱er**

i love mj but i would not want to fight with her

god me too

**Mr Blind Man**

Karen, however, does own a gun, and god have mercy on anyone who dares cross her.

**pe🅱er**

kareb is like a Karen but more justified and instead of calling the manager she would jus shoot you

**Mr Blind Man**

Yeah.

She's great.

**pe🅱er**

yeah fr

ned is like. not afraid of mj and idk why

**Mr Blind Man**

Who would hurt that kid?

**pe🅱er**

who ned

**Mr Blind Man**

He probably knows he's safe.

**pe🅱er**

ieguesa

he's good

**Mr Blind Man**

Nice kid.

You better treat him right.


	4. the stabbing and country boy

_ [  _ 1:48 AM _ ] _

**pe🅱er**

guys

announcment

newbie

**@country roads take me home**

mr stork gave us a country boy to become friends with

**country roads take me home**

I-

Hi y’all

**Mr Blind Man**

Who?

**pe🅱er**

hi mr country boy im peter

his name is barley or somethin

**Mr Blind Man**

Barley.

**pe🅱er**

yes

i think

**Mr Blind Man**

Mr. Stank and Barley.

**pe🅱er**

stink stank stunk

* snaps *

**Mr Blind Man**

Okay.

**pe🅱er**

you're not my sad

**Mr Blind Man**

I'm my sad.

**pe🅱er**

DAD i mean dad

**Sleepytime**

Harley, that's your name right kid?

**pe🅱er**

his name is barley i think actually ms natasha

**Not Peter's Dad**

Barley.

**country roads take me home**

My name is Barley now.

**pe🅱er**

see

**country roads take me home**

I’m sticking with it

**pe🅱er**

haha i also stick with things

:fingerguns:

**Not Peter's Dad**

That was funny.

**pe🅱er**

thank you not my dad

**Not Peter's Dad**

Sure.

**pe🅱er**

brb gonna go stop a stabbing

**country roads take me home**

Valid

**Not Peter's Dad**

Have fun.

**pe🅱er**

will do!

**country roads take me home**

so introduce yourselves. I don’t know half of your nicknames :/

**Not Peter's Dad**

Are you another teenaged vigilante?

**country roads take me home**

possibly

**Not Peter's Dad**

Matt Murdock, Esquire.

**pe🅱er**

im

peter

cool name amirite

**Not Peter's Dad**

Quality content.

**country roads take me home**

ah yes. nice to meet you peter I have never met you in my life except for the time I met you in the lab and every other time we have met

**pe🅱er**

we have met question mark

**country roads take me home**

I saw you in the lab earlier

**pe🅱er**

Karen i meant actual question mark not the words question mark

**country roads take me home**

:/

I was the blonde bitch

**pe🅱er**

karen stop sending this

**Not Peter's Dad**

Now you know the true pain of stt.

**country roads take me home**

.. did you name your ai off of planktons wife

**pe🅱er**

don't stab that nice lady that's not very knife of you

**Not Peter's Dad**

Peter what the fuck

**country roads take me home**

so is he always like that

**Not Peter's Dad**

Me, or Peter?

**country roads take me home**

both

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yes on both accounts.

**pe🅱er**

try taking a stab at not stabbing me

**Not Peter's Dad**

He is what we call in the industry, an idiot.

**pe🅱er**

got you

oh damn that knife is pointy and angry

hey sorry ma'am are you okay

**Not Peter's Dad**

Okay Karen, we get it. Peter has the intellectual capacity of a peanut.

**pe🅱er**

okay have a nice night! if anyone else tries to stab you yell really loud

OK IM BACK SORRY

**Not Peter's Dad**

I am around him constantly, I am aware.

Jesus christ kid.

**pe🅱er**

what's up

**country roads take me home**

20 bucks says he got stabbed

**pe🅱er**

don't worry i didn't even get stabbed that much

**Not Peter's Dad**

He did.

**pe🅱er**

i think he didn't like my jomes

jokes

**Not Peter's Dad**

God damn it Peter. My apartment, now.

**country roads take me home**

god no wonder the old man looks older than normal

**pe🅱er**

it's literally only a little but ok

**country roads take me home**

How do you get stabbed a little???

**pe🅱er**

I haven't even gotten stabbed in like 2 weeks!!! this is a new record B)

**Not Peter's Dad**

I swear to god he has aged me ten years.

**pe🅱er**

you're the one who decided to parent me

I warned you

but did you listen?? nooooo

**Not Peter's Dad**

Oh fuck off.

**pe🅱er**

also im omw but i webbed it up and it's not that bad

**Not Peter's Dad**

Joy.

**pe🅱er**

it'll heal quick you know that

**Not Peter's Dad**

Irrelevant.

**country roads take me home**

Imagine not having a suit of armor to stop stab wounds

Couldn’t be me

**Not Peter's Dad**

He does, he just doesn't always wear it for some reason.

**pe🅱er**

im wearin my suit

**country roads take me home**

You’re very smart, peter with a b

**pe🅱er**

thanks!

my aunt may says that too but i think she has to cos she's my aunt

**Not Peter's Dad**

The spandex one?

**country roads take me home**

**pe🅱er**

im fine guys

lik i know i always say im fine but i assure you it's NOT bleeding that mcuh

**Not Peter's Dad**

Even my suit keeps me from getting stabbed for the most part, and Stark doesn't even make it.

**pe🅱er**

i had my arm sleeve up

and turns out! makes it easy to stab me lol

**country roads take me home**

it’s too early for this bullshit

:/

**pe🅱er**

it's literally not a big deal

i can take care of my extra pocket myself mr murdocks just overprotective

**Not Peter's Dad**

Ugh.

**country roads take me home**

Jesus, lord give me mercy

**Not Peter's Dad**

He will not. Believe me.

**pe🅱er**

oh barley are you religious too

**Not Peter's Dad**

What's your ETA?

**pe🅱er**

few mins away

**Not Peter's Dad**

Alright. Roof entrance is open, as usual.

**pe🅱er**

cool bEANz

slower than usually the arm is not vibing 

**Not Peter's Dad**

That was gross.

Do you need me to pick you up?

**pe🅱er**

nah im good i swear

jus slower

**Not Peter's Dad**

Okay.

**Sleepytime**

Hey i got ice cream

**Not Peter's Dad**

Cool.

**Sleepytime**

yeah i got weird looks because of the blood but it's whatever

**Not Peter's Dad**

Understandable.

**pe🅱er**

very cool

**Sheds**

Natasha, blood isn't good.

**pe🅱er**

3 mins away mr murdock 

**Sheds**

I understand why that might be hard to understand given both our pasts, but blood isn't good.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Cool.

**Sleepytime**

never said whose blood it was

dont assume

**Not Peter's Dad**

Blood is fine unless it is actively coming out of Peter.

**Sheds**

Natasha it doesn't matter who's blood it is.

**pe🅱er**

I don't bleed a lot

**Sleepytime**

I don't either unless it's a mission

Anyway I got vanilla for Murdock

**Not Peter's Dad**

Thanks.

**pe🅱er**

nice nice nice nice

**Sleepytime**

Cotton Candy for Peter right?

i got an extra strawberry as well

**pe🅱er**

yes but sorry im about to get fixed so i cant have any right away

**Sleepytime**

Barley can have it if he's not allergic?

**pe🅱er**

hi im here mr murdock

**Not Peter's Dad**

I know. Sit down.

**pe🅱er**

hmf

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Hm?

**pe🅱er**

hi mr captain america!

**Captain Dinnerplate**

What have I missed?

:-(

**Not Peter's Dad**

Peter being an idiot.

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Why is my name still Captain Dinnerplate?

**pe🅱er**

i am bleeding, ms natasha got ice cream, barley came here

**Sheds**

Bc fuck u rogers

**pe🅱er**

iTS NOT MY FAULT I GOT STABBED

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Bucky?

**Not Peter's Dad**

Damn, Barnes.

Isn't it?

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Bucky, what'd I do?

**pe🅱er**

also it's not that bad mr murdock you KNOW it's not

**Sheds**

Is shuri lol

**pe🅱er**

like I've gotten worse and it's only one stab

ugh

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm going to throttle you, kid.

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Peter, that isn't good.

**pe🅱er**

sigh

**Not Peter's Dad**

Stay still, this is gonna sting.

**pe🅱er**

okaaaaay

for someone who isn't my dad you sure act like a dad I think

**country roads take me home**

I blanked for a whole second

**pe🅱er**

idk i don't remember my dad maybe you don't act like a dad

**Sheds**

Alskfjalsj Peter why did u change Ms. Romanova's name

**pe🅱er**

i did?

**Sheds**

Yes look

**Spider-Mom :D**

oh

okay

**pe🅱er**

oh

**country roads take me home**

... how did you take down captain America?

**Not Peter's Dad**

I don't have a great example so no comment on that front.

**pe🅱er**

I SHOT HIM IN THE LEGS

**Spider-Mom :D**

Just going to drop off the ice cream, i got you confetti Bucky

**pe🅱er**

beCAUSE HIS SHIELD IS THE SIZE OF A DINNER PLATE

**country roads take me home**

Pff

**Spider-Mom :D**

Now i got to figure out where this blood is from

**Sheds**

I'll be sure to tell him his ice-cream is here.

**country roads take me home**

My favorite is the robot arm one

**Not Peter's Dad**

It really is pretty small. It's like a justice frisbee.

**Captain Dinnerplate**

What does that mean?

**country roads take me home**

‘We give you cool robot arm’

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Is that where the name is from?

**country roads take me home**

He’s just as oblivious as I thought he’d be

**Not Peter's Dad**

He really is.

**pe🅱er**

heh

**Captain Dinnerplate**

hey! :-(

**Sheds**

God

**pe🅱er**

mr not dad am i fixed

**Sheds**

Someone teach this man the proper format of emojis

Please for the love of  _ god _

**country roads take me home**

No no

This is funny

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yeah, just don't fuck with the bandages for a bit.

**pe🅱er**

cool beans

thanks

**Captain Dinnerplate**

D-:

**pe🅱er**

  


**Captain Dinnerplate**

What's wrong with my emojis?

**country roads take me home**

He gives them noses

**Not Peter's Dad**

They're gross, Rogers.

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Hey! Leave the noses alone!

**country roads take me home**

**pe🅱er**

do i need to tell aunt may cos like

she will worry but itll be fine soon

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yes.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Steve, nice name

**Captain Dinnerplate**

You can't even see, how would you know they're gross?

**pe🅱er**

fine

**country roads take me home**

  


**Not Peter's Dad**

Shut the fuck up Steve, I'll kick your skinny white-bread ass.

**Captain Dinnerplate**

Oh sure, you get a nice one, while meanwhile I get saddled with a dead meme.

**pe🅱er**

ill text her

**country roads take me home**

Dead meme?

**pe🅱er**

can i stay here tonight mr murdock i don't wanna swing home

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh, anyone know where the first aid kit is

**country roads take me home**

Who the fuck taught dinner plate memes

**Not Peter's Dad**

Sure.

**Sheds**

There's one in the vents, Barnes was nothing if not efficient.

**pe🅱er**

i fixed it mr dinner plate

**Captain Whiny**

Oh? What is it now?

**Spider-Mom :D**

oh cool

**Captain Whiny**

HEY! >:-(

**Spider-Mom :D**

can't climb a vent while covered in blood though

**pe🅱er**

my point stands

**Sheds**

He says there is also one in your room.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yes you can, you're just not trying hard enough.

**country roads take me home**

Nono I got a better one

I’ll dm you it peter

**pe🅱er**

what

**Spider-Mom :D**

oh nice

**pe🅱er**

sorry my brain is broken

**Not Peter's Dad**

Same.

**pe🅱er**

cool beans

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm not paid enough.

**country roads take me home**

It’s probably tok long

Hmm

**pe🅱er**

epic

**country roads take me home**

I was gonna say

So.. you got stuck with a bad nickname

**pe🅱er**

im changin outta my suit

**Captain Whiny**

Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like whatever it was supposed to be?

**Not Peter's Dad**

Okay.

**pe🅱er**

  


**country roads take me home**

Just name him PSA man.

**Captain Whiny**

**_Do not._ **

**country roads take me home**

I think that’s how people see him nowadays anyways

**pe🅱er**

then don't WHINE omygoddddd

**FRIDAY**

I took the liberty of editing Mr. Rogers' messages to employ the proper emotional response.

**Not Peter's Dad**

I see him as the man I have to do the most paperwork for, other than Barnes, but at least Barnes is funny.

**pe🅱er**

mr captain america i like your dinner plate and i even think youre cool enough but literally if you hate all our nicknames Change It To Something You Like

**Captain Whiny**

How do I do that?

**pe🅱er**

friday pls teach him

**country roads take me home**

Ok

I’ll teach him, pipsqueak

So captain

**pe🅱er**

i don't have to DEAL with this i got stabbed tonight and im like 12 :(

**country roads take me home**

Go to the little gear button

On the bottom of the screen

**Not Peter's Dad**

Dumbass kid.

**pe🅱er**

who's the dumbass kid

me or mr barley over here

**Not Peter's Dad**

You, at the moment.

**Captain Whiny**

Also, I'm fairly certain the police all see me as "the single most annoying national icon in the world" given I show up to every BLM protest I can, and I routinely destroy every homeless spike I can find.

**country roads take me home**

Wait I’m thinking of the wrong thing uh, if it’s not the gear button click your icon

**pe🅱er**

for being 12 or the stabbing

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh

Forgot to mention

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yes.

**pe🅱er**

thanks

**Captain Whiny**

There is a gear.

**country roads take me home**

Click it and scroll to the red button that says ‘LOG OUT’ it’ll show you a menu to change your name

:)

**Not Peter's Dad**

Can you fucking stop getting stabbed all the time?

**Captain Whiny**

I'm not the most technologically inclined, but I'm not an idiot, Harley Keener.

**pe🅱er**

I haven't gotten stabbed in like 2 weeks

**country roads take me home**

Fine, Jeez I’ll tell you

**An Idiot**

WHO CHANGED IT?

**Spider-Mom :D**

Steve

**country roads take me home**

Press alt + f4

**pe🅱er**

before tonight i meean

**An Idiot**

And, no, I'm part of the lost generation.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Have to disagree with you on that one, Rogers.

**An Idiot**

What is it, Tasha?

**country roads take me home**

Alt + F4, psa man

**An Idiot**

Tony already tried that one, Harley.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I went to a protest today, scared the shit out of the cops 'cause I yeeted my own tear gas at them

**An Idiot**

**_N i c e_ **

**Not Peter's Dad**

I signed paperwork. That was fun.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I didn't have a helmet so the protestors can't be blamed

**FRIDAY**

Again, I have taken the liberty of editing Mr. Rogers' message to employ proper emotional response.

**pe🅱er**

i did nothing but sleep

oh wait also i got a bf

that was fun

**country roads take me home**

?

Spill, itsy bitsy

**An Idiot**

Natasha if it weren't for the fact that I'm gay and I'm fairly certain you'd shoot me I would have kissed you for that.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Peter is moving into my goddamn house.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I wouldn't shoot you

**pe🅱er**

:(

**Spider-Mom :D**

Just throw you through a window

**Sheds**

Yes you would have.

**country roads take me home**

I’d shoot my self

**Not Peter's Dad**

Same.

**country roads take me home**

Alas, tony has forbid it

**pe🅱er**

would you RATHER i swing home on my stabbed arm???

**Not Peter's Dad**

No.

**pe🅱er**

see

i wjn

**country roads take me home**

Do it pussy

**Spider-Mom :D**

You want a ride in the quinjet?

**pe🅱er**

also im sleepin on the couch jm not even in your wat

way

**Captain Karen**

I am not a Karen.

**Not Peter's Dad**

If you leave this building I will suplex you.

**Captain Karen**

I detest them.

**pe🅱er**

god i know

**Not Peter's Dad**

You will respect Karen, she is amazing.

**pe🅱er**

also barley am i itsy bitsy

like were you talking to me

**country roads take me home**

She’s doing the best she can for plankton, Steve

And yes I was

**Captain Karen**

Karen Page is a force of nature the likes of which only Pepper Potts could withstand.

**pe🅱er**

epic

i got a bf that's it

**country roads take me home**

I like to collect blackmail on everyone I can, so spill

**pe🅱er**

it's not blackmail everyone knows

**country roads take me home**

Name, DOB, address, details

**pe🅱er**

i

no

**country roads take me home**

I have the blackmail folder for a reason

**pe🅱er**

if you want to stalk my bf do it yourself???

**Not Peter's Dad**

You're funny, Barley.

**country roads take me home**

I’m busy

**pe🅱er**

this is a whole new level of entitlement

**Not Peter's Dad**

It is, and it is hysterical.

**pe🅱er**

you aren't. laughing?

???

**country roads take me home**

Hey, a blackmail folder has to have the basics

**Not Peter's Dad**

Internally, I am.

**Spider-Mom :D**

You want blackmail?

**country roads take me home**

Yes

**country roads take me home**

I have some on the mechanic

I’ll trade you

**pe🅱er**

THE BLANKET WONT COVER MY FEET

**Not Peter's Dad**

Stop growing, then.

**pe🅱er**

I,

ok boomer

**country roads take me home**

Easy, cut off your feet

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'll grab another one.

**pe🅱er**

no it's ok i got it

my feet are covered

**Not Peter's Dad**

We both know I'm not a boomer.

**pe🅱er**

it was just tangled up

**Not Peter's Dad**

Ok.

**pe🅱er**

we both know im incapable of thinking of new insults

**Not Peter's Dad**

True.

**country roads take me home**

Cowards

**Not Peter's Dad**

How.

**country roads take me home**

I have been here for 30 minutes and now have a folder of insults for each of you

**pe🅱er**

ok and

**country roads take me home**

You all just don’t think hard enough

**pe🅱er**

yeah i don't think

brain empty

**Not Peter's Dad**

I don't have any blackmail, sorry. Well, I do on criminals, but I don't imagine you're really interested in that.

**FRIDAY**

There is an unknown and untraceable IP address present on the server. They are the same person who hacked me previously.

**pe🅱er**

i also don't do blackmail but it's because i would feel bad :(

**country roads take me home**

  


**pe🅱er**

rip to you fridau

**country roads take me home**

Who’s hacking fri?

**Not Peter's Dad**

I have better things to do with my time than think of insults.

**pe🅱er**

my hope is loki but i doubt it

**Not Peter's Dad**

Not this shit again.

**pe🅱er**

probably some rival company but they're all stupid according to mr stark

**Not Peter's Dad**

Ehhh.

**country roads take me home**

My suit run on fridays network currently and I’ve yet to make a new network for it so I will flip my shit

:/

Don’t make me grab my fucking gun like the southern trash I am, hacker

**Not Peter's Dad**

Imagine using technology.

**pe🅱er**

mr murdock what are you doing rn

**Not Peter's Dad**

Touché.

**country roads take me home**

Blind man doesn’t know technology even if it was in his face

Oh wait

**pe🅱er**

heh

funny

**Not Peter's Dad**

I hate teenagers.

**country roads take me home**

We hate you too

**pe🅱er**

you adopted me emotionally

**Not Peter's Dad**

Good.

**pe🅱er**

i dont!!!

i appreciate mr murdock a lot :(

**Not Peter's Dad**

Unfortunate.

**country roads take me home**

So we gonna ignore the hacker shit?

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yes.

**Spider-Mom :D**

yes

please do

**pe🅱er**

hes like the dad i never cursed :,)

yea

i ignore everything i have no bobes

bones

**country roads take me home**

Or does someone got it handled cus I wanna get my ass in bed. I’ve been working on upgrades to the blasters

**pe🅱er**

then go to bed no one's stoppin you

**Not Peter's Dad**

That was disgustingly emotional, Peter.

**country roads take me home**

oneless spider

**pe🅱er**

sorry

uh

**Not Peter's Dad**

I was kidding.

**pe🅱er**

mr murdock is. smelly

oh

**FRIDAY**

Please do not ignore the hacker. My servers have been updated and reinforced by Ms. Udaku, and even she cannot protect me any longer. She gave it her best attempt, and succeeded, but only temporarily.

**pe🅱er**

too late my b

Friday idk what you want me to do i wanna know who it is

**country roads take me home**

Someone should probably call tony, huh.

**pe🅱er**

i vote we just let em in i wanna know what's up

no he's sleeping

**country roads take me home**

I suppose I could try but I’m sleep deprived like hell

**Not Peter's Dad**

I don't really have any way to help, so.

**pe🅱er**

he hasn't slept in like 4 days please let him sleep

**FRIDAY**

Ms. Romanova is a skilled hacker, as is Mr. Barnes.

**pe🅱er**

then get em to do so

**country roads take me home**

Rude, Friday

**Not Peter's Dad**

Fuck computers.

**country roads take me home**

I’m right here

**pe🅱er**

friday my friend is a good hacker i can ask him

remember when he hacked the suit

wait i mean boyfriend

**FRIDAY**

I do recall.

**pe🅱er**

hes my boyfriend now

**country roads take me home**

Ah, so boyfriend

**Not Peter's Dad**

We know.

**pe🅱er**

sorry guys im new to this

**country roads take me home**

Good start

**pe🅱er**

yes

**country roads take me home**

Now I can find him

**pe🅱er**

?? yeah do you want to see him

**Not Peter's Dad**

So it begins.

**pe🅱er**

i can send you pics of me and him if you want

**country roads take me home**

He’s your best friend so it won’t be hard cus I’m willing to bed you have 2 friends total

Hell yeah

**pe🅱er**

NO i have 3

**Not Peter's Dad**

Obliterated.

**country roads take me home**

Make it 4 now, itsy bitsy

I’m adopting you as my little brother

**pe🅱er**

this is me and ned and mj

  
  


**country roads take me home**

Cute

**pe🅱er**

mj refuses to smile in pictures because shes like that

**country roads take me home**

Valid

**Not Peter's Dad**

Imagine pictures.

**country roads take me home**

Seriously tho someone do something about the hacker

I just wanna goddamn sleep it’s almost 3 am

**Not Peter's Dad**

Not within my skillset.

**country roads take me home**

Fuck it I’m sleeping. If we die, good

Gn yall

**Not Peter's Dad**

Fair.

**pe🅱er**

goodnight

**Spider-Mom :D**

i'LL FIX IT

**pe🅱er**

cool beans

**Spider-Mom :D**

i just tore my stitches

**pe🅱er**

wow very cool

jk uncool

mr murdock and aunt may & mr stark always say that letting your injuries heal before you do something dumb is best

but they say it more mean lol

**Not Peter's Dad**

I think that's actually called common sense.

**pe🅱er**

yeah well you say things like that

**Sheds**

Natasha.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Fuckin.

**Sheds**

If you don't rest while healing, I  _ will _ come over there and force you to.

Also, Shuri receives all the notifications I do, and saw the photo with MJ. She consequently shrieked, then mumbled "i'm so fucked".(edited)

**Not Peter's Dad**

That's gay.

**Spider-Mom :D**

same

**pe🅱er**

why

it's literally jus mj

i have tons of photos of us???

**Sheds**

Shuri is, as you'd phrase it, "a lesbian disaster."

**Not Peter's Dad**

Sexuality isn't even real. Relationships are not real. It's the Illuminati, guys. I'm telling you.

**pe🅱er**

i think there's even a photo of the homie kiss somewhere

**Not Peter's Dad**

As they say, waffles before women.

**pe🅱er**

ned took this one of us asleep

idk why tho

**Not Peter's Dad**

Okay.

**pe🅱er**

how do i look mr murdock

**Not Peter's Dad**

Like a dork.

**pe🅱er**

it's funny. because you can't dee

oh :(

that's probably true

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yeah, fuck you.

**pe🅱er**

mr muRDOCK

language!!!!!!

**Not Peter's Dad**

Why.

**pe🅱er**

idk

i think im jus like tbis

**Not Peter's Dad**

Okay.

**pe🅱er**

if i poke my extra pocket will it hurt

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yes, dumbass.

**pe🅱er**

ok

you were right

**Not Peter's Dad**

I said not to mess with it. Are you deaf?

**pe🅱er**

are you . blind?

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm going to beat the shit out of you.

**pe🅱er**

**@FRIDAY** are you hacked yet

wait until im healed first pls

**Not Peter's Dad**

Maybe.

**pe🅱er**

thanks not dad

**Not Peter's Dad**

You're going to make me grey early, I swear.

**pe🅱er**

mr murdock....

im sorry to be the one to tell you this but.

too late

**Not Peter's Dad**

Karen said she would tell me. Plus, Foggy definitely would've made fun of me.

**pe🅱er**

yeah fair enough

foggy is an icon

**Not Peter's Dad**

He is.

Of what, I am not sure.

**pe🅱er**

uh

loving matt Murdock.

?

**Not Peter's Dad**

That was weird.

**pe🅱er**

yeah sorry when im dumb i get stupid

**Not Peter's Dad**

Ah.

**pe🅱er**

yes

**Not Peter's Dad**

Makes sense.

**pe🅱er**

omg it's like last night again

you and me jus chilling

**Not Peter's Dad**

We do that frequently, yes.

Because you're a moron.


	5. shuri's gay

_[_ 4:07 AM _]_

**pe🅱er**

**@Sheds** shuri

 **@Sheds** SHURI it's about mj

**Sheds**

What???

**pe🅱er**

i wasn't gonna tell you tgis

but has she replied uet

**Sheds**

No she hAsnt

**pe🅱er**

she likes you.

**Sheds**

Mm, that sounds fake.

Sorry, bye.

**pe🅱er**

ducker

fucker

ugh

**Sheds**

Yes, tis I, the ducker.

**pe🅱er**

let me find the screenshots

sorry had to scroll back a lot

**@Sheds**

**Sheds**

W h a t

**pe🅱er**

what

**Sheds**

This-

This can't be real

**pe🅱er**

listen mj will literally kill me so don't tell her i told you

**Sheds**

alright alright

I-

Fuck.

**pe🅱er**

bro

idk just.ask her why shes not replying

**Sheds**

I'm going I'm going

**pe🅱er**

ffs

**Sheds**

What did I do???

**pe🅱er**

dunno

just have a headache

im annoyed abt being stabbed lol

sooo

did she reply

**Sheds**

...

Perhaps…

**pe🅱er**

what did she say.

**Sheds**

"Peter's an idiot white boy, but he's mine. Smh"

Of course u don't have context for what was said before

So

**pe🅱er**

that i ran into 2 wjndows

**Sheds**

No after that

She responded to that already

**pe🅱er**

???

idk

**Sheds**

Oh wait no u right u right

Argh

I'm getting my wires crossed and it's stressing me out

**pe🅱er**

hm

im going to die

goodngiht

_[_ 6:17 AM _]_

**Sheds**

Spidey. This is Concerning™.

_[_ 9:01 AM _]_

**pe🅱er**

oh

wjcoh part

_[_ 11:00 AM _]_

**Not Peter's Dad**

Hm.

**pe🅱er**

good morning

**Not Peter's Dad**

Is it?

**pe🅱er**

yes

aunt may picked me up btw

**Not Peter's Dad**

I noticed.

**pe🅱er**

yea

figured you would

**Not Peter's Dad**

You kids have fun, now.

**pe🅱er**

thanks

probably gonna sleep more

**Not Peter's Dad**

Sounds good.

**pe🅱er**

yes

 **@country roads take me home** good morning country boy

**country roads take me home**

morning itsy bitsy

**pe🅱er**

i am average sized

**country roads take me home**

sure ya are

**pe🅱er**

:(

fruit makes me happy

im like

something that loves fruit

**pe🅱er**

**@Not Peter's Dad** mr murdock i can bring you that tv tomorrow

aunt mays still like oof ouch your wound so Uh stayin in tonight

**Not Peter's Dad**

Sounds good.

**country roads take me home**

imagine getting stabbed

couldnt be me

**pe🅱er**

buh

bruu

bruh

im fine i don't even get stabbed that often

like everyone acts like i do but rlly it's like once a month at the most

**Not Peter's Dad**

Uhuh.

**pe🅱er**

sign

sigh*

im booooored

aunt may's on the phone and i don't have anything to do

_[_ 6:30 PM _]_

**pe🅱er**

GO GO GO OG GO GO FO GO GO

WHOS NEXT

**Sheds**

What the fuck are you talking about?

**pe🅱er**

idk im watching tiktoks

GO GO GO GO GO

**country roads take me home**

murder is fun

**pe🅱er**

well now mr country boy that's not nice :(

**country roads take me home**

its nice when you're chasing people with a potato gun

**pe🅱er**

what do you have???

a potato gun!

NO!

**country roads take me home**

>:))

**pe🅱er**

why hasn't there been a gay hallmark movie yet :/

**Sheds**

What's a hallmark movie?

**pe🅱er**

it's a cheesy very horrible movie

usually romance

i love them

aunt may and i watch them whenever we can they suck SO BAD

**country roads take me home**

_chokes_

_dies_

**pe🅱er**

unfortunate

why?

**Sheds**

Hey uhhhh

Am I the only one who noticed the new person on the server?

**pe🅱er**

no i noticed i jus don't know who it is

you wouldn't know her she goes to a different school :/

**Sheds**

If you're talking about your girlfriend Liz, yes she does.

**pe🅱er**

i have no girlfriend

unless ned is ALSO trans thatd be wild

**country roads take me home**

i dont notice anything on here

i have a life

**pe🅱er**

Hy

**Sheds**

No you don't.

**pe🅱er**

why

**country roads take me home**

says elsa

**pe🅱er**

don't be mean shuri/mr bucky i woudl believe him

he seems like a Cool Guy i bet he has friends

**country roads take me home**

yeah i have friends

why wouldnt i??

**Sheds**

**@I Won’t Hesitate Bitch** who are you?

**pe🅱er**

i don't

have many

**country roads take me home**

im loved by everyone

**pe🅱er**

:(

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

Capt. Marvel

**pe🅱er**

god i wish that were me

hi ms captain marvel

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

Hello!

**country roads take me home**

dunno who that is but sure

too many avengers to keep up with :/

**pe🅱er**

the best avenger is spiderman so jus remember him :/

**country roads take me home**

i just stick to the basics. Mechanic, dinosaur, elsa, big green, itsy bitsy, etc

arent you spider-man?

**pe🅱er**

WAIT ITSY BITSY IS BECAUSE IM SPIDEY OMG

**country roads take me home**

its pretty obvious

**pe🅱er**

im so dumb,

**country roads take me home**

yes

you are

**pe🅱er**

I thought you were just calling me short

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

**Sheds**

Who's Captain Marvel?

**country roads take me home**

no no, you are short.

but you're also itsy bitsy

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

Tis I

**Sheds**

I have literally never heard of you.

**country roads take me home**

same

**pe🅱er**

she sounds smart

but that's all i know

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

The one the avengers initiative was named after

**pe🅱er**

god imagine being an avenger 

**Sheds**

Avengers initiative?

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

First super Nick Fury met

**Sheds**

Nick Fury?????

**country roads take me home**

same, peter

**pe🅱er**

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

Mood

**country roads take me home**

oh isnt furry the bald guy?

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

Ye

**pe🅱er**

heh

furry

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

But the furry is T’Challa

**country roads take me home**

peter barley

not being official avengers

**pe🅱er**

terrifying, tvanks

im technically one?

i think

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

Yep!

Technically Spider-Man is your fursona

**pe🅱er**

no,

im technically an avenger NOT. a furry

**country roads take me home**

itsy bitsy is a furry

lmao

**pe🅱er**

im like 12 is that even legal

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

I’ve seen WAY too many debates about that

**pe🅱er**

shut up harley

you're a scaley

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

Sorry

**pe🅱er**

this is SO SAD im gonna go eat cherries

**country roads take me home**

im a sssssnake

in a ssssuit

**pe🅱er**

lol lies

**country roads take me home**

**pe🅱er**

do you ev r feel

like a plastic bag

blowing in the wind

wanting to start again

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

Y E

**Sheds**

I'm so confused.

**pe🅱er**

you know what sucks

**Sheds**

Me?

**pe🅱er**

no???

having a fast metabolism bc im hungry constantly but i never know what to eat

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

I mean... I can’t really relate but mood

**pe🅱er**

what can i say except.

fruit salad time

**I Won’t Hesitate Bitch**

I was waiting for a Moana reference

**pe🅱er**

see now YOU are cultured

unlike mr country boy and shuri/mr bucky

_[_ 12:12 AM _]_

**Spider-Mom :D**

I really need to spar

I want to punch someone

**pe🅱er**

i am available to be punched

i have been told that i am incredibly fun to punch.

**Sheds**

If you can get to Wakanda Shuri said she's fine with it

**Spider-Mom :D**

no

I will not punch children

**pe🅱er**

  1. barely a child emotionally



**Sheds**

:(

I'm not a child, Natasha. Is this about 1967?

**Spider-Mom :D**

Wasn't talking to you

**pe🅱er**

my back hurts

**Sheds**

Sis threw it back too hard

**pe🅱er**

who,

**Sheds**

You

**pe🅱er**

mr Bucky.

**Sheds**

Yes?

**Spider-Mom :D**

I'm taking the quinjet and staying in wakanda

**Sheds**

!!

**pe🅱er**

i mean this as KINDLY as i possibly can. but if you call me sis again i will end you.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I hate people right now

**Sheds**

:D

:(

**Spider-Mom :D**

I mean normal people

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm up for a fight.

**Sheds**

She's gonna fight me!

Like old times except I'm mentally stable.

Somewhat.

Sorry, Peter.

**pe🅱er**

s cool

sorry that was an overreaction LOL

what can i say except :fingerguns: dysohoria

**Not Peter's Dad**

Imagine knowing what you look like.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I don't know if either of us are mentally stable

**pe🅱er**

mr murdock that was funny but in a sad way

**Not Peter's Dad**

I get that a lot.

**pe🅱er**

omg.me too

apparently orphan jokes aren't funny LOL

**Not Peter's Dad**

I think they're kinda funny.

**pe🅱er**

thank u

**Sheds**

Natasha, is there anything you wanna talk about?

**pe🅱er**

drugs.

**Not Peter's Dad**

No drugs.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I'm a sad single gay, that's all

**Not Peter's Dad**

Impressive.

**pe🅱er**

i agree but not talking about them doesn't stop people from doing them mr murdock :/

literally just get match.com

**Not Peter's Dad**

Beating up dealers does, I agree.

**pe🅱er**

NO

that's not nice :(

**Not Peter's Dad**

Look in the mirror.

**pe🅱er**

no thanks i think i would puk if i did that

**Spider-Mom :D**

Do you honestly think that I can get a date that is good enough on match.com?

**Not Peter's Dad**

You too beat up drug dealers. Don't play that shit with me.

**pe🅱er**

oH

**Spider-Mom :D**

Because i can tell you now that's not the case kid

**pe🅱er**

idk

**Not Peter's Dad**

What the fuck is Match.com.

**pe🅱er**

i guess but i try to just. web em

**Spider-Mom :D**

Dating site

**pe🅱er**

i don't wanna hurt em.usually you know

**Not Peter's Dad**

Weak.

**pe🅱er**

you know it ;)

**Not Peter's Dad**

Just kidding, that's good.

Why would you date someone on a website? That sounds stupid.

**Spider-Mom :D**

it is

**pe🅱er**

oh my god

**Not Peter's Dad**

Oh okay.

**pe🅱er**

yallre acting like mr captain america

**Not Peter's Dad**

Do not ever compare me to that man.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh kid you don't understand

**pe🅱er**

"oh i don't like how this is but if you suggest anything or change it im gonna complain"

spider-mom turns into spider-captain-whiny-pt2

Sigh.

**Not Peter's Dad**

What.

**Spider-Mom :D**

nEVERMIND KID

Drop it

**pe🅱er**

sorry im being mean i JUST WANT SCONES

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's just dry bread, calm down.

**pe🅱er**

like A LOT and idk why its kinda taking over my head

i like dry bread :(

**Not Peter's Dad**

Unfortunate.

**pe🅱er**

my gun tastes bad

**Not Peter's Dad**

Anyways, romance is a construct that the government made up to spy on you.

**pe🅱er**

OH I MEANT gum

**Not Peter's Dad**

Hm.

**Not Peter's Dad**

My bones hurt.

**pe🅱er**

dont need em

**Not Peter's Dad**

Ah.

**pe🅱er**

it's the truth:)

**Not Peter's Dad**

Never said it wasn't.

**pe🅱er**

i know

what do i do

when i can't leave but im like. full of energy

**Not Peter's Dad**

Meditate.

**pe🅱er**

I,

**Not Peter's Dad**

Or get drunk.

**pe🅱er**

ok

**Not Peter's Dad**

But probably meditate.

**pe🅱er**

will do

not meditate

drumk

jk

id feel bad about drinking aunt mays alcohol :/

**Not Peter's Dad**

Mhm.

**pe🅱er**

also i would probably end up being Actual Grounded son

so*

**Not Peter's Dad**

That is true.

**pe🅱er**

yeah :/

**Not Peter's Dad**

B/

**pe🅱er**

sad

**Not Peter's Dad**

Usually am.

**pe🅱er**

noo :(

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yeah B)

**pe🅱er**

nooooo don't be sad ur so kind ahahaha

**Not Peter's Dad**

I feel like that's a reference.

**pe🅱er**

vaguely.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Okay.

**pe🅱er**

can i add ned

**Not Peter's Dad**

I don't know.

**pe🅱er**

ok im addibn him

**Not Peter's Dad**

Okay.

**Sheds**

**@Spider-Mom :D** Natashaaa

I am also a sad single gay.

**Spider-Mom :D**

wow look

we're twinning

**Not Peter's Dad**

Imagine not being sad and single in this economy.

**Spider-Mom :D**

or gay

**Sheds**

Shuri is a frazzled single (??) gay.

**Not Peter's Dad**

I don't think I'm gay, but okay.

**Sheds**

**pe🅱er**

WAIT ARE YOU STRAIGHT

**Spider-Mom :D**

X to doubt

**Sheds**

No, he's not. He'll say he is, but he's not.

**pe🅱er**

gross 

**Not Peter's Dad**

I haven't been in a relationship since college.

**pe🅱er**

ah me neither

**Not Peter's Dad**

Understandable.

**ned.**

we are literally dating.

what.

**Not Peter's Dad**

We are not dating.

**pe🅱er**

he was talking to me

you goose.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Leeds

**ned**

hello?

**Not Peter's Dad**

What'd you just fucking call me, you little shit?

**ned.**

oh my gosh you're black widow right?????

**pe🅱er**

a goose. goose.

**Not Peter's Dad**

I will end your entire career.

**pe🅱er**

do it NO BALLS

**Not Peter's Dad**

I am now sterile.

**pe🅱er**

oh dear.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Apt reaction.

**ned.**

**Not Peter's Dad**

You are.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yes, I'm black widow (edited)

**pe🅱er**

balck

**Not Peter's Dad**

Balck.

**pe🅱er**

also why is NED in danger mr murdock? you like him?????

**Not Peter's Dad**

That is true, but you are not supposed to tell people how I feel about them.

**ned.**

gngncjcnf mr murdock,,, that means so much to me

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'll end your career too, kid. Not a word of this gets out.

**ned.**

i don't have a career??? well i mean i work but it's jus at the store it's not rlly a big thing

**Not Peter's Dad**

You see that Peter? Your boyfriend has a job.

**ned.**

also i haven't told anyone that petes spiderman!!! im good with secrets

**Not Peter's Dad**

Good.

**Spider-Mom :D**

If you slip up I will end you

**pe🅱er**

my boyfriend isnt spiderman???? so he has more time?????

**Not Peter's Dad**

Oh, please.

**pe🅱er**

please no threatening of ned

**Spider-Mom :D**

...

**ned.**

no it's fine i don't mind

**Not Peter's Dad**

Impressive.

**Spider-Mom :D**

You have approval

**pe🅱er**

anyway mr murdock leave me alone you know im not emotionally able to get a job

**Not Peter's Dad**

Neither am I but here we are.

**pe🅱er**

i have school. an d. . spiderman aND at least 4 friends :( no time for work

**Spider-Mom :D**

Emotions depend on the job

**Not Peter's Dad**

Imagine not being able to repress your emotions when convenient.

**pe🅱er**

cough.

**Sheds**

Natasha, fite me

**ned.**

omg hi are you bucky???

**Sheds**

Yes.

**ned.**

nice to meet you im ned

**Spider-Mom :D**

Ned, you have gained my approval, do not lose it

And bucky

I'm going to throw you through a window

**Not Peter's Dad**

Me first.

**ned.**

that's terrifying but thanks!

**Not Peter's Dad**

Natasha, defenestrate me.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I'm literally flying right now??

How am I supposed to do that?

**Not Peter's Dad**

Figure something out. I believe in you.

**pe🅱er**

inchresting

**Not Peter's Dad**

K.

**pe🅱er**

i have a bug bite on my foot

**Not Peter's Dad**

Perish.

**pe🅱er**

ok

will do 

my stab wound is itchu

**Not Peter's Dad**

No.

**pe🅱er**

????

yes it is

**Not Peter's Dad**

Do not itch it.

**pe🅱er**

im not

im just saying. it's itchy

**Not Peter's Dad**

Well. Guess I'll die.

**pe🅱er**

ok

will do

**Not Peter's Dad**

Oh.

**pe🅱er**

wait

i meant i die

not yoy

im going to pour ketchup in my ears

**Not Peter's Dad**

Cool, tell me how that works out.

**pe🅱er**

you're supposed to tell me not to do dumb things :/

what kinda Not Dad are you

**Not Peter's Dad**

But that's funny.

**pe🅱er**

im so bored

**Not Peter's Dad**

K.

**pe🅱er**

i think i rely on swinging to get out extra energy

**Not Peter's Dad**

Get a job, that will drain literally any energy you possess.

**pe🅱er**

N i

N o

i don't want a job

i don't NEED. a job

**Not Peter's Dad**

Well, I tried.

**pe🅱er**

technically the internship is kinda a job

**Not Peter's Dad**

Well they're not working you hard enough apparently.

**pe🅱er**

oh my gOD

i didn't do anything like patrol or internship today bc aunt may was worried and wanted to spend time with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Not Peter's Dad**

Oh yeah.

**pe🅱er**

geezus

i have this annoying cough im literally gonna die now

**Not Peter's Dad**

Hm.

Okay, I'm going to sleep.

**pe🅱er**

goodnight not dad

**Not Peter's Dad**

Goodnight, not-son.

**pe🅱er**

:,)

**Not Peter's Dad**

B,)


	6. antman and birdman come to say hi

_[_ 9:02 PM _]_

**pe🅱er**

hi not dad

how's your day been

**Not Peter's Dad**

Blurry.

You?

**pe🅱er**

it was ok

**Not Peter's Dad**

Cool.

**pe🅱er**

had a good scone, watched a show with aunt may

gonna go out tonight

my extra pocket is fixed

**Not Peter's Dad**

That's good.

**pe🅱er**

yea

well i mean it's not like. completely gone but it's mostly fixed ya know

**Not Peter's Dad**

Fair enough.

**pe🅱er**

yea

I jus FOUND A SMENCIL

**antay anmay**

OMG SMENCILS??? i LOVE those!!!!!

Hello fellow aengers, it’s me, Scott

**Sheds**

Scott?

**pe🅱er**

heh

he used pig Latin

no one thinks im a cryptid but almost no one has pictures of me so who's the cryptid now, emILY?

**antay anmay**

he used pig Latin

 **@pe🅱er** yeah I'm a dad, it's what i do.

**pe🅱er**

checkmate im not a dad and i use piglatin

**antay anmay**

you sure no secret children?

**pe🅱er**

im 15

**antay anmay**

my point stands

**pe🅱er**

I,

**antay anmay**

lol jk jk

**Sheds**

He did adopt that one middle schooler that visited during the visitation day...

**antay anmay**

dads are inclusive, you can be a dad without being a dad if you know what i mean. piglatin is the dad language but is open for use by all

**pe🅱er**

barely

**antay anmay**

well youre definitely dad enough for me

**pe🅱er**

I,

**antay anmay**

welcome to the club!

**Sheds**

What was his name??? Some unit of measurent.

**pe🅱er**

is that. a compliment

milea

miles

**Sheds**

Kilometres?

**antay anmay**

miles?

oh

**Sheds**

Miles.

**pe🅱er**

who would name their kid kilometers

wtd

**antay anmay**

and @ **Sheds** , i don't believe we've met. I'm Scott Lang, aka Ant Man, aka **antay anmay** , aka Dad.

**pe🅱er**

hi ant man im peber parber

aka spiderman aka "that kid from the airport"

**antay anmay**

ohhh, you made me trip over your weird webby thing, right?

no hard feelings kid 

**pe🅱er**

cool beans 

**antay anmay**

i trip over my own feet regardless

**pe🅱er**

me too

the gods were cruel to make me spiderman because i hit windows a lot

**Sheds**

I'm Shuri, Princess of Wakanda and smarter than you!

**pe🅱er**

shuri,

i

just because it's TRUE doesn't mean it's nice to say

**Sheds**

Sounds like a him problem.

**pe🅱er**

I,

**antay anmay**

I'm Shuri, Princess of Wakanda and smarter than you!

 **@Sheds** you may be smart, but are you smart enough to put two celery sticks in an ants-in-a-log _sandwich_ and then _patent_ the invention?!?!?!?!

dw im not that smart either

i should probably eat that

sounds really good

**pe🅱er**

raisins suck i agree with shuri she's smarter

**Sheds**

Use peanut butter chips

Or just flat out chocolate chips

Instead of raisins.

**pe🅱er**

cleery is ICKY

**antay anmay**

ok now that's genius

but why would you put peanut butter chips on peanut butter?

wait --- reese's pieces

**pe🅱er**

peanut butter is the only good part of ants on a log.

**antay anmay**

the fact that you didn't preface that with "hot take" hurts my feelings

**pe🅱er**

it's not a take its a fact

**Sheds**

I can't stand raisins. They suck

**pe🅱er**

also you're a parent are you sure you even have feelings? sounds sus tbh :/

**antay anmay**

i dont know what kind of parent(s) you have but that's kinda scary

**pe🅱er**

mine definitely don't have feelings.

**antay anmay**

I can't stand raisins. They suck

 **@Sheds** dried cranberries tho?

**Sheds**

Texture issue

Too similar to raisins

**antay anmay**

hmm. yeah. texture is a big thing.

**pe🅱er**

but then again. they probably don't have feelings because they're dead

haha nothing stops typing like a dead parent joke

**Sheds**

Literally every avenger has offered to adopt you several times

My brother _and mother_ included

**pe🅱er**

but then i wouldn't get to make jokes about dead parents?????

fool,

**antay anmay**

i was trying to find a good emoji to respond with but the one i was looking for didn't come up

**pe🅱er**

also i have aunt may you know that's good enough for us

AND mr murdocks my not dad so

oh and mr starks my emotional support father figure

**antay anmay**

well from all the chatting at the airport i guess i could have deduced that

**pe🅱er**

anyway shuri i would literally die for your mother but i am okay

yeah lol :fingerguns:

**antay anmay**

do we not have a fingergun emote??

cause if we dont we need for all the bisexuals and/or zoomers

**pe🅱er**

i say it a lot

prolly cos im bi

i think

**antay anmay**

you think you're bi, or you think that's why you say it a lot?

**pe🅱er**

yes

**antay anmay**

ok then

**pe🅱er**

**Spider-Mom :D**

What is going on?

**pe🅱er**

hi ms natasha!

**antay anmay**

hello, I'm scott, from the airport. i assume this is...Black Widow?

**pe🅱er**

ignoredddddd

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yes, I'm Black Widow

**pe🅱er**

guys

**antay anmay**

whar

*what

**pe🅱er**

my stab wound is healed!!!!

**antay anmay**

yessssss

congratulations?

like idk if there's a proper response to that but : ) i guess

**pe🅱er**

thanks! :)

**Spider-Mom :D**

Super healing is nice

**pe🅱er**

my fingys are covered in mod podge

**Spider-Mom :D**

why?

**pe🅱er**

got mod podge on em

**Sheds**

Why

**pe🅱er**

had mod podge out???

**Sheds**

For what

**pe🅱er**

fun????

ok fine i admit it.. im at mjs

but like. on her apts roof so it's social distanced n all

anyway **@Sheds** shuri pls don't freak out

**Sheds**

B E T R A Y A L

Lol no why would I freak out???

**pe🅱er**

bc you literally are

she brought me a kitten to hold

i,,, love this cat

**Sheds**

...

ALSDJDJAOWIJR F,!H#72;4;,!,!n,,BARNES NOSNSS EJRIFISMAM,N,NJSISJEBFJуьашсллшужцзсajwnxISJN,I72;3,(IWOMDJI9?#+3

**pe🅱er**

???

**Sheds**

Shuri is _fuming_ at the moment.

She is so jealous.

**pe🅱er**

why??????

**Sheds**

You're with MJ.

That's it that's literally it.

**pe🅱er**

that's..

so sad

**Sheds**

Also the cat thing.

**pe🅱er**

oh

the cat went back inside

mj took her back cos she was whiny

**Sheds**

Does the cat have a name?

**pe🅱er**

heidi

she's a good little monster

**Sheds**

I think you should name her Shuri.

**pe🅱er**

she likes to run around without people realizing she left

**Sheds**

I mean, you said she was whiny.

**pe🅱er**

she has a name????

oh

if i were gonna rename i would call her Captain America 

**Sheds**

Why's that?

He's much more a golden retriever than anything.

**pe🅱er**

he's whiny.

i stand by what i said

**Sheds**

Never said you were wrong.

**pe🅱er**

good

_[_ 11:51 PM _]_

**pe🅱er**

im booooored

mjs drawin but she won't let me see what she's drawing

**Sheds**

Hi booooored, I'm a broken white boy.

**pe🅱er**

ah me too

**Sheds**

Gay?

**pe🅱er**

no :( just sad

mj says hi but only to shuri?? sorry broken white boy ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Sheds**

I'm fine with that because I get to watch Shuri's lesbian meltdowns with the Dora.

**pe🅱er**

heh

**Sheds**

Shuri also says hi, btw

**Not Peter's Dad**

What.

**Sheds**

Does MJ ever have visible gay crises?

**@pe🅱er**

**pe🅱er**

SORRY hi

no

she might kill me for this btw so yw shuri

mj is terrifying and has an excellent poker face

if she killed me no one would suspect her and that scares me everyday because i know she could

**@Sheds**

_[_ July 1, 2020 - 12:00 AM _]_

**pe🅱er**

bye pride month :(

**Sheds**

ALSKDJSLAKSJDDJALFJ

I CANT FUCKIGN BREATJE

SHURI JUST. DROPPED

JUST FUCKIGN FACEPLANTWD

**pe🅱er**

f

**Sheds**

Shuri: is literally the smartest person in the goddamn world 

Also Shuri: hgnnnn pretty girl,,,,

**pe🅱er**

god jus tell them to date already

ugh jus have shuri ask mj out fr

**Sheds**

They're lesbians, Peter, it's not gonna happen.

**pe🅱er**

well i know you can't have her do that

but like

UGH

yea

i miss ned :(

**Sheds**

Hm...

**pe🅱er**

??

**Sheds**

Do you want to come to Wakanda?

**pe🅱er**

???????

ned isn't there

so confused

 **@Sheds** HEY explain

**Sheds**

Do you want to come to Wakanda.

**pe🅱er**

but. neds not there so how does that help with my problem

why would i want to go??m

**country roads take me home**

Hnnng country boYy I lOve yOuuuu

I’m bored

**pe🅱er**

hi bored im peter

**country roads take me home**

Hi peter I didn’t realize you were a dad

**Sheds**

**@pe🅱er** if you wanted to go to Wakanda and bring Ned, I'm not saying it's a bad idea

**pe🅱er**

i can't bring nedn

ned

**country roads take me home**

Thought you were still too scared to be horny and adopt someone with Ned

**pe🅱er**

his parents would Lose Their Shit

im not being horny im being uh

**country roads take me home**

Guess I stand corrected 

**pe🅱er**

i can't adopt????

**country roads take me home**

Then stop making dad jokes

Little shit

**pe🅱er**

GOD two people have called me a dad today :/

wtf

im not a little shit big shit

**country roads take me home**

Dunno why, you’re too short to be a dad

**pe🅱er**

thanks it's because im not cis 

**country roads take me home**

No no,

It’s because your short

**pe🅱er**

.

that's why.

im shoet

short

fool,

**country roads take me home**

Ur still short, itsy bitsy

**pe🅱er**

ok country boy 

**country roads take me home**

Blame it on not being cis, but I know a lot of tall cis people.

It’s okay to be short

**pe🅱er**

I,

that????

that doesn't. make sense

im

**country roads take me home**

We can make everything itsy bitsy for you peter

It’s like 12 am what do you expect from me

**pe🅱er**

your comforting doesn't comfort me

:(

**country roads take me home**

Good

Dig your grave and lie in it shortie

**pe🅱er**

jerk

**country roads take me home**

Good thing U don’t need to dig a big hole

**pe🅱er**

im literally going to stab you.

**country roads take me home**

Okay okay I’m done with the short jokes, its a bit of a reach to keep going

You say that as if I don’t crave death

**pe🅱er**

im telling mr stark

**country roads take me home**

The mechanics also short

**pe🅱er**

oh mY fUCKinbg gosh

give me your mom's number im calling her RIGHT NOW

**country roads take me home**

Hm

Nah

**pe🅱er**

ugh

this is SO SAD

**country roads take me home**

I’ll give you my sisters number tho

**pe🅱er**

mj doesn't even feel bad for me :/

**country roads take me home**

She’s also short

**pe🅱er**

she's like 8

right?

**country roads take me home**

Around 11now, or 12 (edited)

**pe🅱er**

oh god you don't know her age

that's SO SAD

fffffff

**country roads take me home**

I do know it

It’s 12 am

**pe🅱er**

wait how old are YOU country boy

**country roads take me home**

Calm your ass

17

**pe🅱er**

wtf

gross

**country roads take me home**

K I texted Abby, she wants to pun Ci me but she’s 13

**pe🅱er**

YHAYS WORSE

You thought she was 9.

omg

wgd

**country roads take me home**

I basically raised her >:(

Give me a break

**pe🅱er**

I,

nk

no

why did you raise her omgG

**country roads take me home**

Mom was always at the diner

**pe🅱er**

ah

imagine having a mom

couldn't be me 

**country roads take me home**

Doesn’t help when she gets a boyfriend, that he’s a homophobic piece of shit and throws you out

**pe🅱er**

oh D a mb

**country roads take me home**

Eh.

**pe🅱er**

i gotchu ill fight him

im literally gonna fight him

**country roads take me home**

Moms alright, but we always struggled financially. Doesn’t know bout the homophobia, just thought I got a good offer for education up here.

**pe🅱er**

why didn't you tell her

omg

harley i love you but you have to REALIZE that your mom cares more about you than her bf

**country roads take me home**

It’s fine cus I’ll be out of school soon and I’ll make tons and finally get Greg to leave my family the fuck alone

**pe🅱er**

ha r le y

**country roads take me home**

Eh. I like it here, plus with me gone dunno if she’s gonna have enough to pay the bills

Peter just drop it, Aight?

I have my own plans. I’m a smug bastard I can handle myself

**pe🅱er**

oh man if ONLY there was a super rich guy you were friends with :/ who could help out :/

LITERALLY mr stork would help happily

**country roads take me home**

I don’t need pity from tony

**pe🅱er**

it's not pity

**country roads take me home**

Look just drop it peter

**pe🅱er**

ok but hear me out on this

.

**country roads take me home**

It’s over text so Idk how I can hear you

**pe🅱er**

he pays me now right or whatever for interning

**country roads take me home**

But proceed

**pe🅱er**

so jus

become an intern???

easy?????

he literally would do the same for you we can be intern bros 

**country roads take me home**

I guess. I’m already staying at the tower cus I don’t have a house.

I guess I’ll talk to tony or smth.

**pe🅱er**

thank u

also tell your mom

**country roads take me home**

God ur a pain in my ass itsy bitsy

**pe🅱er**

i know you don't want to but . honesty is the best you know esp with family

**country roads take me home**

I’ll tell her when the financial situation is better

**pe🅱er**

no tell her now !!!!

if you don't she won't know and then you'll regret it.

**country roads take me home**

It’s not like he’s abusive, he’s just some homophobic white guy

**pe🅱er**

yeah but he made you feel like you had to leave your own house

**country roads take me home**

I wanna make sure we’re stable first, itsy bitsy

**pe🅱er**

please just tell her

**country roads take me home**

Just let me do this my way, aight?

**pe🅱er**

hhhhh

but HNGNGn

**country roads take me home**

With the pandemic she’s struggling harder and I need to make sure she’s fine before I spring this on her

**pe🅱er**

if you don't tell her you'll regret it

**country roads take me home**

Already regret it darlin

**pe🅱er**

hgngb

**country roads take me home**

But I know what I’m doin

**pe🅱er**

but you have to tell her when you have the chance

or else you won't HAVE the chance

and then you can't tell her

**country roads take me home**

Don’t got the chance now when shit can go south real fast

I can handle it, Pete. Sometimes rushing in ain’t the best option

**pe🅱er**

sometimes you should rsuh in

**Sheds**

Peter bring Ned with you to Wakanda

**pe🅱er**

im not going to wakanda im having a breakdown 

**Sheds**

Valid. But later when you're not, I have a plan to get the lesbians together.

**pe🅱er**

**Sheds**

In the meantime, anything you need to talk about?

**pe🅱er**

nah we gucci

my bones are going ooga booga :/

_[_ Private chat created between **@pe🅱er** and **@country roads take me home** . _]_

**pe🅱er**

**@country roads take me home**

my uncle never knew i was trans.

and he never will.

and i know you're older than me and it's not my business but. tell her before it's too late.

**country roads take me home**

Peter. I can’t right now. I need to make sure she’s gonna be okay. I can’t rush into this.

**pe🅱er**

he never knew i was spiderman and he never will and every single day i wish i could have told him but i didn't and now i can't and i don't want you to regret it

i

fine

just. don't wait too long ok

**country roads take me home**

I won’t. The moment I get the job I’ll tell her

**pe🅱er**

thank you

  
  


_[_ Private chat closed. _]_

**country roads take me home**

Time to wait till the meccanic arrives so I can ask for a job 

**pe🅱er**

do you. want some cheddar cheese 

**The bee movie slapped.**

YA LIKE JAZZ???

**Not Peter's Dad**

I hate this.

**pe🅱er**

i like smooth jazz.

**Sheds**

THIS IS SHURI AND IM FUCJUNG DYING

ALWJSJDLALSKDJA

ALKRINFKLSMSNCD

**Not Peter's Dad**

Die faster.

**pe🅱er**

mr murdock! :(

**Sheds**

ok fr who dis

**Not Peter's Dad**

What.

**pe🅱er**

don't be mean :/

**Not Peter's Dad**

No.

**pe🅱er**

also you'll be pleased to know that i didn't get stabbed today

**The bee movie slapped.**

I am also incredibly offended (NAT) that i had to find out about this on my own

**Not Peter's Dad**

Good job, not-son.

**pe🅱er**

thanks not dad :)

**Not Peter's Dad**

Who the hell is this.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Guess

**pe🅱er**

mr barton is my guess

**Not Peter's Dad**

Please no.

**pe🅱er**

he mentioned nat and he's p much the only other person we haven't invited who's good friends w her

**The bee movie slapped.**

Hey I could be anyone and whats wrong w barton

**Sheds**

What abt Dr. Banner?

**pe🅱er**

oh you right.

i have a feeling dr banner would use proper grammar

if it is dr banner sorry tho and also i love your work i will cry if it's him

**Not Peter's Dad**

He is obnoxious and tries to rope me into parkour competitions during my patrol even though I have made it clear several times that I have no interest.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Yes it is Me, The Science Man

**pe🅱er**

i already don't believe you.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Banner is polite, not you.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Parkour is great so idk what youre complaining about

**pe🅱er**

I agree

**The bee movie slapped.**

Its like youve never heard of fun

**pe🅱er**

you know my friends call me peter parkour

**Not Peter's Dad**

Not when some fucking parakeet is following you around while you do it.

**The bee movie slapped.**

If I were a bird i would be a peregrine falcon so

Jokes on you

**Not Peter's Dad**

Doubtful.

**pe🅱er**

you would be a butterfly

**Not Peter's Dad**

Agreed.

**pe🅱er**

monarch butterfly to be exact

**Not Peter's Dad**

No.

**pe🅱er**

tastes like burnt toast 

**The bee movie slapped.**

Monarchs are badass so I will accept your wrong opinion

**country roads take me home**

So who is this

**Not Peter's Dad**

If you've been eating bugs I'm telling Stark.

**pe🅱er**

mr barton

**country roads take me home**

Oh. Bird man.

**pe🅱er**

i haven't

i just read a scientific study on them :/

**The bee movie slapped.**

It is I, The Hulk

**pe🅱er**

checkmate , he's not thrilled about hulk.

you lose.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Dr. Banner would never make this much of a fool of himself.

**country roads take me home**

True

**The bee movie slapped.**

Maybe dr. Banner has a secret sense of humor.

CONSIDER

**pe🅱er**

he does. this isn't it.

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's not secret.

**country roads take me home**

Pf

**Not Peter's Dad**

That man is hysterical, yet you are not amusing me.

**pe🅱er**

mr barton i like your humor and i think you are very cool but you are not dr banner

**The bee movie slapped.**

Ok well whos country roads then

**Not Peter's Dad**

Stark's first kid.

**pe🅱er**

barley.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Thanks kid. I am hilarious

**country roads take me home**

The best child

**pe🅱er**

****

im the best child :/

**The bee movie slapped.**

Ah. The hick. I relate

**Not Peter's Dad**

You're not fucking funny, Barton.

**country roads take me home**

You give the old man more gray hairs than ever

All I did was give em a few panic attacks

**pe🅱er**

yeah because HE LOVES ME

**The bee movie slapped.**

I am Hilarious

**pe🅱er**

i don't even give him that many panic attacks

**Not Peter's Dad**

No proof.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Ask nat

**Sheds**

Peter is his fav

**The bee movie slapped.**

She'll tell you

**Not Peter's Dad**

I doubt that.

**pe🅱er**

HEY stay out of it :/ harley is his fav

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm his fav.

**pe🅱er**

disgusting take it back

**Not Peter's Dad**

No.

Suffer.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I am here to judge. Present your cases.

**country roads take me home**

Ur a bird

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm blind. That is all.

**country roads take me home**

I don’t take legal advice from birds

**pe🅱er**

i take legal advice from my lawyer

**Not Peter's Dad**

I am your lawyer.

**pe🅱er**

yeah i take your legal advice

that's it

**The bee movie slapped.**

Birds are the best lawyers

**Not Peter's Dad**

Bold move.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Harvey birdman???

Also

[ https://youtu.be/0cZr8hWy5sI ](https://youtu.be/0cZr8hWy5sI)

**Not Peter's Dad**

Thanks for that.

**pe🅱er**

inch resting

**Not Peter's Dad**

Why does everyone think I'm gay?

**pe🅱er**

i don't!

**Not Peter's Dad**

Don't lie, it's unbecoming.

**pe🅱er**

i just think you and foggy are dating :/

or i DID think that

i don't anymore

**Not Peter's Dad**

That is at least somewhat gay.

**pe🅱er**

i suppose

**The bee movie slapped.**

Not gonna lie i thought until this moment that Not Peter's Dad was stark

**Not Peter's Dad**

Ew.

**pe🅱er**

no that's mr murdcok

he's my notdad

**The bee movie slapped.**

If we were one person we would either be perfect or both deaf and blind

**Not Peter's Dad**

Dead either way.

**The bee movie slapped.**

What? Why???

**pe🅱er**

because mr murdock is edgy.

**Not Peter's Dad**

I would kill us.

**country roads take me home**

Going to bed night gremlins

**pe🅱er**

:) night barley

**The bee movie slapped.**

You are the gremlin

Corn man

**Not Peter's Dad**

Night Barley.

**pe🅱er**

see you in the morning

**The bee movie slapped.**

Sorry corn boi

**pe🅱er**

but mr murdock won't 

**The bee movie slapped.**

L o l

**Not Peter's Dad**

Do not even enter my home again.

**pe🅱er**

why not :/

**Not Peter's Dad**

I don't want you in it.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Kids a savage dont discourage him

**pe🅱er**

you're my not dad tho :(

**Sheds**

The birds work for the bourgeoisie

**The bee movie slapped.**

They do

**Not Peter's Dad**

Barton I'm going to suplex you next time we meet.

**Sheds**

Do u know the rest of the quote coward

**pe🅱er**

HEY bucky

**The bee movie slapped.**

GOOD LUCK MURDOCK

**Sheds**

Hah think again

**pe🅱er**

can i still bring mj

oh

**Not Peter's Dad**

I don't need it.

**pe🅱er**

ok put Bucky on

**Sheds**

Uhhh

Okay??

YOU ALMOST RUINED IT OH MY GOD PETER

Anyway yes. Bring her.

**pe🅱er**

also im bringin Ned if he says yes

question tho

when

will we be back

**Not Peter's Dad**

Barton, you make me increase my daily alcohol consumption by 70%. Just thought you should know.

**pe🅱er**

can i have one

**Not Peter's Dad**

No.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I am proud to contribute

**pe🅱er**

why not

**The bee movie slapped.**

And so you're a baby

Babies cant drink

**Not Peter's Dad**

Because you're a literal fetus.

**pe🅱er**

you gave me a beer like 2 days ago

**The bee movie slapped.**

I am an adult so

**Not Peter's Dad**

Shut up.

**pe🅱er**

why?

**The bee movie slapped.**

Honestly i dont remember the last time I wasn't a Little Drunk

**Not Peter's Dad**

God, same.

**pe🅱er**

i

**Not Peter's Dad**

Except for in court.

**Sheds**

Barton, that's not safe. At all.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Youre just saying that to save face

**pe🅱er**

[ https://www.aa.org/ ](https://www.aa.org/)

**Not Peter's Dad**

No, I don't want to be arrested.

**Sheds**

Me?

**The bee movie slapped.**

And i am an expert marksman i have killed ppl w precision while drunk

**Sheds**

That doesn't matter.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Where tf is nat? She can vouch

**Not Peter's Dad**

Imagine killing people. I do frequently.

**pe🅱er**

is it still bucky

**Sheds**

You're supposed to be Natasha's best friend. I have high standards, Barton.

**pe🅱er**

mr murdock wtf

**Not Peter's Dad**

I don't actually go through with it, get off my back.

**pe🅱er**

OH You meant you imagine killing them

**The bee movie slapped.**

We are best friends. Our relationship cannot be understood by you simpletons

**pe🅱er**

not actually killing tgem

nvm

**Not Peter's Dad**

I don't think I've ever killed anyone.

**Sheds**

**@The bee movie slapped.** doesn't matter. I have high standards for my daughter.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Ew pls dont say that ever again I don't want it in my brain

Shes just nat

**Not Peter's Dad**

That was unpleasant.

**Sheds**

Yeah no shit, Sherlock.

I didn't mean it in a romantic context.

**@The bee movie slapped.**

**Not Peter's Dad**

Wow, okay. I thought we were associates, Barnes.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I can and will vomit in your pillowcase

**Sheds**

You can't, actually.

Unless you can soundly and entirely defeat Natasha in hand to hand combat.

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm not into that.

**Sheds**

What the hell, Murdock.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I have...almost beaten her. Once.

**Not Peter's Dad**

I am drunk.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Its not impossible

**Sheds**

I'm living proof it's not impossible.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Oh hey me too murdock we're gonna be friends

**Sheds**

I trained her.

**Not Peter's Dad**

I beat her in arm wrestling, once.

I dislocated my wrist.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Pics or it didnt happen

**Not Peter's Dad**

Fuck you.

**pe🅱er**

I,

**The bee movie slapped.**

We had a thumb war once and she broke my thumb

**pe🅱er**

im so tired of yall

is it still bucky

i have 3 questions @ **Sheds**

**Not Peter's Dad**

Awesome. You can sell that thumb on the black market for a lot of money.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Look what you guys did!

Made the kid sad

**pe🅱er**

im not sad im disappointed and also they don't care

**Not Peter's Dad**

I do not, no.

**pe🅱er**

it's not in mr murdocks contract to not make me sad so 

**Not Peter's Dad**

True.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I am hip and cool so i support you kid

**Not Peter's Dad**

You're what?

**pe🅱er**

that's not hip OR cooo

cool

**The bee movie slapped.**

It Is

**Sheds**

**@pe🅱er**

Questions?

**pe🅱er**

hi

1\. when will we get back 2. when do we go 3. how do we get there

**Sheds**

1\. Idk 2. Soon 3. Shuri gave me a jet and thinks I coerced you into coming to Wakanda _maybe_ with Ned but that's it.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Liver failure to all three.

**pe🅱er**

soon isnt an answer

**The bee movie slapped.**

Omg youre in wakanda?

**pe🅱er**

will this take hours or days :/

**Sheds**

How soon do you want them to stop being useless lesbians?

**The bee movie slapped.**

Imm telling

**Sheds**

Yes I'm in Wakanda.

I'm here with Наташа.

**pe🅱er**

Now but also we're all minors we have to ask our parents????

**The bee movie slapped.**

Not YOU the kiddd

**pe🅱er**

aunt may will Lose Her Shit

**Not Peter's Dad**

What's a parent.

**pe🅱er**

and mr murdock will snitch

**Not Peter's Dad**

Eh.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Idk ive never had a parent in my life

**Sheds**

You know damn well what the definition of parent is, Murdock.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Dude, same.

**pe🅱er**

idk mine died 

**Not Peter's Dad**

Fuck off Barnes, I

**pe🅱er**

bc of the curse 

**Not Peter's Dad**

I fell off the couch.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Oh hey same. My dad beat and destroyed my ears first. Something to remember him by.

What a guy

**pe🅱er**

a h .

**Not Peter's Dad**

What a legend.

**pe🅱er**

uh

Very cool?

**The bee movie slapped.**

Yes exactly v badass and now i am fluent in 2 languages

**Not Peter's Dad**

Hm.

**pe🅱er**

I'm???

am i allowed to be here for this conversation

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm not sure what conversation this is.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Omg relax its fine im over it. I was joking. sarcasm

**pe🅱er**

that doesn't sound like sarcasm??????

**The bee movie slapped.**

It was

**pe🅱er**

sounds like child abuse??????

**The bee movie slapped.**

I mean yeah but that was forever ago

Im over it

**pe🅱er**

inch resting

**Not Peter's Dad**

Barton claims to be a good liar, but I disagree.

**pe🅱er**

f

**The bee movie slapped.**

Not lying. Im good fam. Hes dead so...

**pe🅱er**

omg mine is too

**Not Peter's Dad**

Same.

**pe🅱er**

**Not Peter's Dad**

Club.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Dead parents club

**Not Peter's Dad**

Hell yes.

**pe🅱er**

the real mvps cursed at least 2 parents :/

**The bee movie slapped.**

Oooooh but have you faked your own death?

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yes.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Thats a separate club

**pe🅱er**

no but it's my fault my uncles dead 

**Not Peter's Dad**

Disagree.

**pe🅱er**

how does it feel to be wrong mr murdock

**The bee movie slapped.**

Aw jeez well i highly doubt that knowing you and your v innocent self

**pe🅱er**

rip to you but you're wrong

**Not Peter's Dad**

Damn.

**The bee movie slapped.**

You could never do anything wrong ever and you have clearly misjudged the situation

**pe🅱er**

incorrect

**Not Peter's Dad**

Peter has never done anything wrong in his life except for when he wore his costume wrong the other day and got stabbed like an idiot.

**The bee movie slapped.**

YOU GOT STABBED?

BUT YOURE A BABY

**Not Peter's Dad**

He got fucking stabbed, the nerve of him.

**pe🅱er**

i-

im fine

**Not Peter's Dad**

Right in the arm.

**pe🅱er**

it's healed????

**Not Peter's Dad**

No you're fucking not. What 8 year old gets stabbed.

**pe🅱er**

im not 8 and you know it.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Emotionally.

**The bee movie slapped.**

YOURE GROUNDED

FOR UNTIL COLLEGE

**pe🅱er**

you're not my aunt

**Not Peter's Dad**

He's grounded for until college.

**pe🅱er**

untrue.

im fine

it healed already

it's not a big deal idk why y'all need to act like it os

**Not Peter's Dad**

Let's not get into that.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Because you are an Infant and whoever stabbed you deserves to Die

**Not Peter's Dad**

Agreed.

**pe🅱er**

I'm still not an infact

infant

**Not Peter's Dad**

If anyone stabbed Foggy they would deserve to die, too, if that makes you feel better.

**pe🅱er**

he's a civilian

**The bee movie slapped.**

Thats just what an infant would say

**pe🅱er**

im not. difference

**Not Peter's Dad**

Is Karen a civilian?

**pe🅱er**

?? yeah

**Not Peter's Dad**

But... is she? Really?

**pe🅱er**

idk she doesn't tell me abt tgat

**The bee movie slapped.**

If she has a gun and knows you does she count?

**pe🅱er**

if she's not i am unaware

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm not sure if she is.

**pe🅱er**

how is this relevant

**Not Peter's Dad**

But I would still kill for her too.

**pe🅱er**

well don't kill

ok

**Not Peter's Dad**

Fine, for now.

**The bee movie slapped.**

We...kill sometimes. In the big leagues...

**pe🅱er**

and im NOT an infant and it's my own fault for my suit sleeve not being on right and it's not even a big deal BECAUSE ITS HEALED

**Not Peter's Dad**

Fine.

**pe🅱er**

good talk.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yeah.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Do i need to check your suit sleeves

Bc i will

**pe🅱er**

for. what

**Not Peter's Dad**

For traitors.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Idk STAB WOUNDS

**pe🅱er**

you literally met me today

even if i WERE stabbed it wouldn't be any of your concern

**The bee movie slapped.**

You are a baby and it is therefore my concern

**pe🅱er**

mr barton. i am not a baby

**The bee movie slapped.**

Can you legally buy alcohol?

**Not Peter's Dad**

As Spider-man, apparently.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Wait what

**pe🅱er**

people don't question spiderman. so

**Not Peter's Dad**

I ran out of beer the other day and he offered to buy me some.

**The bee movie slapped.**

They dont even id you???

**Not Peter's Dad**

Very disturbing offer.

**The bee movie slapped.**

That is...not Great

**pe🅱er**

secret identity. they don't wanna ask

**The bee movie slapped.**

Youre like 4 ft tall

**Not Peter's Dad**

I mean, he is built like an Olympic swimmer.

**The bee movie slapped.**

A tiny swimmer

**pe🅱er**

i am not tiny.

**Not Peter's Dad**

You got a problem with the vertically challenged?

**pe🅱er**

who is that directed at

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yes.

**The bee movie slapped.**

No im just pointing out the obvious

Just sayin i dont get carded

**Not Peter's Dad**

I can't really contribute to this because I have no idea what either of you look like.

**pe🅱er**

i mean what do yuoo want me to do? force them to card me???

**The bee movie slapped.**

Its illegal to sell minors alcohol

**Not Peter's Dad**

Just don't buy alcohol?

**pe🅱er**

most people don't think im a minor

i don't!

**Not Peter's Dad**

I know.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Have you heard you?

You are absolutely a minor

**pe🅱er**

the suit changes my voice.

plus it's not my fault my voice is like that ok im not old enough for t

**Not Peter's Dad**

You just sound like a teen, regardless.

**pe🅱er**

whatever

**The bee movie slapped.**

My dude i am all about it but youre like 16. You sound like a gen z kid

If you wanna pretend to be an adult, you at least have to have millenial energy

**Not Peter's Dad**

Your mannerisms are very young. Your speech patterns, sense of humor.

**pe🅱er**

i don't. want to pretend to be an adult

im not pretending to be an adult

ok

**Not Peter's Dad**

We know.

I don't know, I don't really know why Barton is so upset. I don't think alcohol salespeople are known for their observational skills.

**pe🅱er**

ok

**Not Peter's Dad**

Plus, those with fame often get away with doing illegal things just because people let them.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I'm not upset. I'm Concerned there is a difference

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's not like he's buying any, I would know.

**The bee movie slapped.**

He better not be

**pe🅱er**

you're not my parent!!!!!

even if i WERE BUYING ALCOHOL!!! its not your life!!!! or your place!!!! to get involved

**Not Peter's Dad**

His Aunt would beat his ass three ways to Sunday if he did.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Ok fair but i got into some shit when i was a kid and it didnt end well. Wouldnt wish that on anyone else. Especially not a Good Kid

**pe🅱er**

yea bc my aunt is my guardian. unlike y'all. so .

**Not Peter's Dad**

Fair enough.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Overstepped. Sorry.

**pe🅱er**

ok

**The bee movie slapped.**

Just...youre better than that kid

**pe🅱er**

ok

**Not Peter's Dad**

Good talk, I guess.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Ok? Cool. We good?

**Not Peter's Dad**

Emotionally or spiritually?

**The bee movie slapped.**

...

Both?

**pe🅱er**

ned went to bed :/

**Not Peter's Dad**

No on both fronts.

That rhymed.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Press f for peBer

**Not Peter's Dad**

F?

**The bee movie slapped.**

Get w the times old man

**pe🅱er**

**Not Peter's Dad**

I only get to enjoy memes when Karen or Peter deign to describe them to me.

**pe🅱er**

:,)

thanks not dad

**The bee movie slapped.**

I will happily describe memes to you whenever

**Not Peter's Dad**

No.

**The bee movie slapped.**

You are not using your resources and that is hardly my fault

**pe🅱er**

it's because im better at it

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's because my life is fine without memes.

**pe🅱er**

:(

**The bee movie slapped.**

That is untrue and you know it

**Not Peter's Dad**

I appreciate the effort though, kid.

**pe🅱er**

thanks :,)

**Not Peter's Dad**

Sure, Barton.

**pe🅱er**

**The bee movie slapped.**

I feel like that was sarcasm

I do not appreciate it

**pe🅱er**

like what was

**Not Peter's Dad**

I just don't think they have the same impact as they would if I actually saw them myself. I just don't get as much out of them.

**The bee movie slapped.**

"Sure, Barton" is rarely sincere

I would know

**pe🅱er**

oh

**Not Peter's Dad**

I wonder why.

**pe🅱er**

im bored

**Not Peter's Dad**

And that is my problem because?

**The bee movie slapped.**

Same. You wanna mario kart? Oh shit you're in wakanda...

**pe🅱er**

no im not

im in new york.

**Not Peter's Dad**

The fuck is New York.

**pe🅱er**

but i still don't want to play.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Oh??? YES COME MARIO KART I WILL KICK YOURE ENTIRE ASS

aw noooo

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'll play Mario Kart.

**pe🅱er**

you're blind

i know. ableism

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yeah, but it's still funny.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Well i did my best. Hes bored and i have no solution

Lets do rainbow road

**Not Peter's Dad**

Foggy says it is upsetting to watch.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Honestly its a tossup who wins

**pe🅱er**

mj also went to bed

all my friends are sleeping :/

**The bee movie slapped.**

As a child, shouldnt you also go to bed?

**pe🅱er**

oh well time to get out the chainsaw

as an adult shouldn't YOU go to bedm

?

**Not Peter's Dad**

Plus, the controller vibrates when you go in the wrong direction or whatever, so I actually get kinda far without falling off the track sometimes.

**pe🅱er**

teenagers have weird sleep cycles, it's normal for us

for you it's just some boomer who stays up 

**The bee movie slapped.**

Oof

I am actually a vampire so jokes on you

**Not Peter's Dad**

I like how neither of us are boomers.

**pe🅱er**

im still bored

mr murdock can i borrow your chainsaw

**The bee movie slapped.**

nOOOOO?

**pe🅱er**

you're not mr murdock

**The bee movie slapped.**

I will teach you to safely shoot things

I have arrows that explode

**pe🅱er**

i don't want to shoot things.

**The bee movie slapped.**

They are v safe

**pe🅱er**

i would like to use his chainsaw

**The bee movie slapped.**

What the hell do you need a chainsaw for

**pe🅱er**

personal reasons

**The bee movie slapped.**

That is not an answer

**pe🅱er**

i don't have to explain myself to yoy

i need a chainsaw. it is what it is

**The bee movie slapped.**

When i was 10 i wanted nair for personal reasons and let me tell you it was a MISTAKE

**pe🅱er**

im not 10

**The bee movie slapped.**

I mean same difference

**pe🅱er**

untrue.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Prove me wrong

**pe🅱er**

i don't have to :)

**The bee movie slapped.**

Ok fair ill give you that. Just dont die bc im still awake and ill get blamed

**pe🅱er**

no you wont

plus i think mr murdock zoned out or something so i can't use it anyway

which SUCKS because i want to use it

**The bee movie slapped.**

Im p sure i can help if i knew what you were doing. Explosive arrows are very effective

**pe🅱er**

won't work

don't want to explode myself

**The bee movie slapped.**

Stand back?

**pe🅱er**

wouldn't work

**The bee movie slapped.**

Hm. Ok whats the goal here

Im sure i have something

**pe🅱er**

you don't.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Trick arrows :)

**pe🅱er**

won't work

**The bee movie slapped.**

boomerang arrow

**pe🅱er**

nope

**The bee movie slapped.**

Firework arrow

**pe🅱er**

nope

**The bee movie slapped.**

Smoke bomb error

I can go forever

**pe🅱er**

nope

**The bee movie slapped.**

Paintball arrow

**pe🅱er**

definitely not

**The bee movie slapped.**

Youre not being terribly helpful

**pe🅱er**

wasn't trying to be

your arrows won't work

end of story

**The bee movie slapped.**

What do you need a saw for? Im not telling...

Im me

If anything ill help you find one

**pe🅱er**

diy top surgery.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Woah kid a chainsaw aint the answer for that

How long have you been binding?

**pe🅱er**

??? in life or

**The bee movie slapped.**

Start with today

Hours

**pe🅱er**

why is that your concern?

**The bee movie slapped.**

Bc it goes v poorly if you bind for too many hours without a break

Trust me

**pe🅱er**

**The bee movie slapped.**

How are the ribs feeling?

**pe🅱er**

my ribs are fine tyvm

**The bee movie slapped.**

Breathing fine?

You dont feel like you can't get a deep breath?

**pe🅱er**

beyond that. you literally don't know IF im binding may i remind you once again 

that i am old enough to make my own choices

**The bee movie slapped.**

Hey im just trying to save your ribs

Mine are all outta whack

**pe🅱er**

1\. normal binding hours aren't the same for me bc i have superhealing

2\. wait what

**The bee movie slapped.**

Super healing doesnt mean you should break your ribs every day

**pe🅱er**

i dont

are you,

**The bee movie slapped.**

I dont make it a point to tell ppl

**pe🅱er**

sorry

**The bee movie slapped.**

So keep it to yourself

**pe🅱er**

I will

sorry i was being you just kinda pointed out some things i. can't change yet before and it was annoying cos it's like. idk i guess it's just like dysphoria inducing for me 

**The bee movie slapped.**

Have you talked to stark? He'd pay for surgery in a second

**pe🅱er**

too young

he knows but

**The bee movie slapped.**

Cant you get like...permission? Is that not a thing?

**pe🅱er**

im only 15 so im not rlly allowed to go on t or get surgery yet 

no it's like you have to wait till you're 18 for surgery

cos of like. laws or whatever

idk

**The bee movie slapped.**

Nothin? Not even if your aunt approved?

**pe🅱er**

a lot of doctors don't rlly wanna do it

i guess i coudl go on t maybe early but im not aure

**The bee movie slapped.**

Nowadays there are like...blockers yeah?

Not even those?

**pe🅱er**

i only came out kinda recently so aunt may didn't wanna do anything right away

idk

**Not Peter's Dad**

Sorry, dissociated heavily. What I miss.

**pe🅱er**

nothin

**The bee movie slapped.**

Nothing just...feelings. ew.

**pe🅱er**

we talked tho and im done being 

**Not Peter's Dad**

Cool.

**pe🅱er**

thanks

**The bee movie slapped.**

I am always 

How dare you imply otherwise

**pe🅱er**

im done with it tho


	7. evil god??? nah fam, DAD god

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Hello.

**antay anmay**

Sorry to leave for a while, parenting calls. Just caught up. How are you doing?

**pe🅱er**

wait omg omg

**antay anmay**

Wait is that Loki

**pe🅱er**

are you loke

like

**The bee movie slapped.**

Parental figure! RUN

**antay anmay**

Like the Loki

**pe🅱er**

actually loki????

**Not Peter's Dad**

What is happening.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Who else would I be?

**The bee movie slapped.**

Idk i cant decide if loki or an Adult is more concerning

**pe🅱er**

because first of all. was it you messing with friday. and second of all FJFNFJG omg hi

i have a question tho are you genderfluid bc i thought you were but i thought i should double check and also should i use mr or ms or whatever the genderfluid is

**antay anmay**

Hi? I don’t know if I should be intimidated or aroused rn?

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yea.

**pe🅱er**

that's , terrifying mr antman

**Not Peter's Dad**

Oh, that's who that is.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Oh thank god i thought it was aunt may

False alarm

**Not Peter's Dad**

Same.

**antay anmay**

Who me?

**The bee movie slapped.**

Not a real adult we gucci

**Not Peter's Dad**

I almost shat myself.

**antay anmay**

Dw dw I’m a dad but still a man child

**Not Peter's Dad**

We are aware.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I am suddenly much more relaxed

**Not Peter's Dad**

Clint, when are you ever not relaxed.

**pe🅱er**

ok but idk what im supposed to say ??? mr or ms or something else????? this is a PROBLEM guys

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm not paid enough for that to be a problem.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I am occasionally not relaxed when ppl are trying to kill me

**Not Peter's Dad**

Pussy.

**pe🅱er**

i don't think you understand me mr murdock this is a BIG DEAL

**antay anmay**

Yes  **@Loki, God of Mischief** this is very important, we need to know your pronouns so we can talk about you behind your back

**pe🅱er**

NO so we can be respectful!!!

**The bee movie slapped.**

^^^

No im w Scott

**pe🅱er**

they're a GOD you can't be mean

**Not Peter's Dad**

No, so I can sue for damages.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Was just late

**pe🅱er**

omg guys no

**@Loki, God of Mischief** please i am very concerned about this idk how to address you

**antay anmay**

Of course respect is great, but how do we use pronouns with someone right in front of us?

**The bee movie slapped.**

Gotta prove yourself before you stop getting shat upon

**Not Peter's Dad**

Kinky.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Ew not like that

**pe🅱er**

no i need to know the proper way to address them

mr or ms or smth else

it's Polite :/

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I'm sorry. I hadn't... anticipated this question.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Manners are for paying customers only.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

So few ask...

**pe🅱er**

yah cos they're JERKS sorry about these ones

they're just drunk or parents you know how it is

it's Polite to ask for pronouns!

**Not Peter's Dad**

Wow, okay.

**The bee movie slapped.**

You're thor's evil sibling who he loves unconditionally, yeah? Did i get that wrong

**pe🅱er**

sorry mr murdock

**Not Peter's Dad**

I was kidding.

**pe🅱er**

no one's EVIL

maybe they had reasons.

even if they're bad reasons theyre still reasons

**Not Peter's Dad**

Not 100% on that one but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

**pe🅱er**

also if you just decide that someone is evil without talking to them doesn't that just make them more likely to do evil things that they might otherwise not do

innocent until proven guilty , lawyer

**Not Peter's Dad**

That's why I just said I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, kid.

**pe🅱er**

rifgt

sorry

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's all good.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I feel attacked

**pe🅱er**

just excited! ive always wanted to meet loki

**Not Peter's Dad**

I can make that a reality, Barton.

**pe🅱er**

who i STILL don't know how to address brw

**@Loki, God of Mischief** pls ,,,, im begging i just want to be polite,,,,,,

**The bee movie slapped.**

Come at me  **@Not Peter's Dad**

**Not Peter's Dad**

On my way.

**pe🅱er**

please don't fight it's too early for that :/

**Not Peter's Dad**

Just kidding, I'm not getting of this couch. I'm wasted.

**pe🅱er**

did the right thing but for the wrong reasons,

**Not Peter's Dad**

As Foggy says, it do be like that sometimes.

**pe🅱er**

this is exhausting i jus want to know. what to say

oks

pls

im so sad

**The bee movie slapped.**

Im eating pizza rolls so thank god

**Not Peter's Dad**

Ew.

**pe🅱er**

how will i brag about meeting them if i DONT know how to address them

**Not Peter's Dad**

Those taste like dead children.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Mouth is so burnt i cant even taste anymore

**pe🅱er**

just saying loki breaks my soul into pieces Everytime

**antay anmay**

Those taste like dead children.

**@Not Peter's Dad** do you know what that tastes like?

Do I want to know if you know?

**pe🅱er**

i wish i had :b:izza rolls

**Not Peter's Dad**

I am not obligated to answer that question.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I am Unsurprised

**antay anmay**

Ok good answer

**pe🅱er**

mr antman i feel like we vibe on a spiritual LEVEL

idk why i put level in caps

btw the reason i think that is bc of pig latin and having man in our names or whatever

spiderman :handshake: antman

man

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm too tired for this shit.

**pe🅱er**

then go to bed??m

**Not Peter's Dad**

Might.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I am awkhay manay

**antay anmay**

Well, I’m glad to vibe with you :slight_smile:

**pe🅱er**

lies

ouyay areay aay oolfay

**The bee movie slapped.**

Fight me child

**Not Peter's Dad**

You're an idiot, Barton.

**pe🅱er**

ok kmw

omw

where are we fighting

**antay anmay**

*awkhay anmay, not manay

**pe🅱er**

jokes on you i have a lot of energy i WILL fight

**Not Peter's Dad**

Go the fuck to sleep, kid.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

  1. Use they/them, at the moment.



**pe🅱er**

no

NICE

**The bee movie slapped.**

Ill have you know i got through part of elementary school before the circus and then i fot tutoring at shield

**antay anmay**

Thanks Loki

**pe🅱er**

what should i say to address you bc idk the gender neutral version of mr/ms

**Not Peter's Dad**

Promising.

**pe🅱er**

wait you were in the circus

are you fr

I'm,

**Not Peter's Dad**

Did you not know this?

**The bee movie slapped.**

Yeah thsts like my thing

**pe🅱er**

im gonna cry that's hilarious

**Not Peter's Dad**

It is.

**The bee movie slapped.**

I shot stuff and did flips

**pe🅱er**

that's the funniest thing I've heard all day im literally wheezing

FJFNFNFN

tHATS WONDERFUL

**Not Peter's Dad**

Just like now.

But with a less exciting costume.

**pe🅱er**

I DIDNT KNOW CIRCUSES WRRE STILL A THING

**The bee movie slapped.**

And then i found out my mentor was embezzling and got beat half to death for it and that was the end of the circus life

**pe🅱er**

I TGOUGHT THOSE WERE LIKE. FROM MAMY MOONS AGO

FMFNFNFN

OMG RHAT SOUNDS LIKE A NOVEL

**The bee movie slapped.**

Circuses are still a thing!

**Not Peter's Dad**

It is.

**pe🅱er**

im cryin this is the best thing ive ever heard

you have made my day SO GOOD

thsnk u mr barton

**Not Peter's Dad**

Damn.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Idk why youre surprised i do trick shots all the time

Where do you think I learned that???

**pe🅱er**

what are you gonna tell me mr murdock, your life ALSO sounds like a novel???

idk YouTube???

you can learn anything on youtube

**Loki, God of Mischief**

In terms of honourifics, Mr. is fine.

**Not Peter's Dad**

I have what they call a "personal life".

**The bee movie slapped.**

Yes but im not 11 so YouTube doesnt matter to me

**pe🅱er**

OK THANK GOD i would die if i couldn't address you in a polite way

you play Mario kart so actually you are 11

**The bee movie slapped.**

Except for the compilations of cap falling down

**pe🅱er**

checkmate, atheist

not to get political but

**The bee movie slapped.**

Am i supposed to be ashamed of mario kart? I dont get it

**pe🅱er**

i personally don't believe ANYONE deserves rights

**antay anmay**

checkmate, atheist

**@pe🅱er** I didn’t take you for a believer?

**Not Peter's Dad**

Agreed.

**pe🅱er**

im actually Catholic

mr murdock converted me

we go to the same church

**Not Peter's Dad**

I never tried to?

**The bee movie slapped.**

I havent been to church since i was 6

**Not Peter's Dad**

Sounds about right.

**pe🅱er**

i go every week

**The bee movie slapped.**

Whats that supposed to mean???

**Not Peter's Dad**

No you don't.

Nothing.

**pe🅱er**

just gotta get my Jesus prayers in :pray:

you don't know my life mr murdock

i love Jesus

**Not Peter's Dad**

No, you love your aunt.

**The bee movie slapped.**

Im gonna pray to jesus to oust you from the church murdock

**pe🅱er**

i confess my sins all the time

i love my aunt AND jesus

can i not love both?

**The bee movie slapped.**

I have never sinned in my life

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm surprised they still let me in after the incident, honestly.

**pe🅱er**

Jesus died for nothing then.

you better sin or else

what incident

**Not Peter's Dad**

Nothing anyone needs to know about.

**pe🅱er**

ah ok

anyway uhhh

Jesus, holy water, sins, prayers,

my drugs you know

the only drugs i do are the Lord's prayers

now i lay me down to sleep i pray the Lord my soul to take if i should die before i wake :v::zany_face:

**Not Peter's Dad**

I can't tell if this is making fun of Catholicism or me specifically.

**pe🅱er**

Catholicism

if i were making fun of you i would throw some ableism in there

**Not Peter's Dad**

Cool.

**pe🅱er**

:thumbsup:

**The bee movie slapped.**

Oooh i love this kid

**pe🅱er**

thank u

im here all week!

**Not Peter's Dad**

Sad.

**pe🅱er**

oh my god you were in A CIRCUS

A CIRCUS

**Not Peter's Dad**

Heh.

**pe🅱er**

were you friends with a clown named flowers or somrthin

**The bee movie slapped.**

If youre trying to embarrass me youre failing. I was awesome and a billion people cheered for me

**Not Peter's Dad**

A billion.

**The bee movie slapped.**

The clowns were p cool when they werent wearing the makeup

**pe🅱er**

im not making fun of you I love it

**The bee movie slapped.**

A billion

**pe🅱er**

i wish I had as cool a backstory as that

**circus life ✌🤪**

I can teach you to throw knives

**Not Peter's Dad**

Do not.

**circus life ✌🤪**

WHO CHANGED MY NAME

**pe🅱er**

no thanks aunt may would kill me and you

i did

**circus life ✌🤪**

IT WAS SO GOOD BEFORE

**pe🅱er**

circus life :v::zany_face:

**Not Peter's Dad**

This kid is already a menace, he does not need to know how to throw knives.

**pe🅱er**

im not a menace

**Not Peter's Dad**

To my health.

**pe🅱er**

who do you think you are? the bugle?

**Not Peter's Dad**

The what?

**pe🅱er**

smh calling ME. a menace

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Spiderman is a menace to society.

**pe🅱er**

I,

**Not Peter's Dad**

With knives, yes. I would say so.

**pe🅱er**

mr loki i really tried to give you a chance and be NICE but CMON

**Not Peter's Dad**

I feel like I'm missing something.

**pe🅱er**

ALL I HAVE DONE IS BE NICE AND YOU JUST DID ME DIRTY LIKE THIS

yknow im a good guy i got STABBED for some old lady like this weekend :/

**circus life ✌🤪**

Throwing knives are educational

**Not Peter's Dad**

You gotta stop doing that.

**pe🅱er**

i did it ONCE

**circus life ✌🤪**

Look how well i turned out

**Not Peter's Dad**

Barton, don't even.

**pe🅱er**

heh

not dad mode ACTIVATED

**circus life ✌🤪**

Knives to swords to arrows

And now im a gd superhero

**pe🅱er**

im already good

i jus don't think knives fit w my image

that's all

**Not Peter's Dad**

Peter, you don't want to throw knives. I can throw knives, and I turned out like myself.

**pe🅱er**

i think you're nice

**circus life ✌🤪**

Knife throwing contest  **@Not Peter's Dad**

**pe🅱er**

also you 2 are entirely different so rlly i don't think throwing knives impacts y'all the way you think it does

**Not Peter's Dad**

You can probably throw better than me.

**pe🅱er**

beyond that I still don't want to throw knives

it doesn't Fit My Style

**circus life ✌🤪**

I dont miss

**Not Peter's Dad**

I haven't used them in years. I don't like blades.

**pe🅱er**

sometimes i think yall forget that im generally responsible ish

**Not Peter's Dad**

I know, that's sorta your whole shtick.

You are Peter, but not always.

**circus life ✌🤪**

Youre a teenager and therefore inherantly irresponsible

I stole shit when I was a teenager

**Not Peter's Dad**

For shame.

**circus life ✌🤪**

I had bad role models

I got better

**pe🅱er**

like sure maybe i JOKE about getting alcohol or whatever but i don't get it even though i COULD, i don't do drugs. i wear my binder for the appropriate amount of time. i mostly follow the rules about curfew. im generally a good kid

**Not Peter's Dad**

I know.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I was merely quoting John Jonah Jameson.

**pe🅱er**

oh thank goodness

**Not Peter's Dad**

Imagine having good role models growing up.

**pe🅱er**

also i don't steal :/

**circus life ✌🤪**

I can't sorry

**Not Peter's Dad**

Wait no mine were mostly good. Just a couple were abhorrent.

**pe🅱er**

i have good ones i jus curse them all :pensive:

**circus life ✌🤪**

Lol peter is too good for this world do something wild kid

**pe🅱er**

i got a bf? is that wild

**Not Peter's Dad**

No.

**pe🅱er**

oh

**circus life ✌🤪**

I mean good for you but I wouldn't call it wild lol

**pe🅱er**

but. i kissed him

**Not Peter's Dad**

That's nice.

**circus life ✌🤪**

Go vandalize something

**pe🅱er**

oh god no

i don't have the skills for that

**circus life ✌🤪**

Youre a teenager its like your job

**Not Peter's Dad**

What the fuck Barton.

**pe🅱er**

mj does that sometimes tgo

**circus life ✌🤪**

Bring the boyf

**pe🅱er**

don't tell anyone

but she does rlly good stuff

**circus life ✌🤪**

What do you mean you dont have the skills youre a SUPERHERO

**pe🅱er**

im not an artist???

isn't being a superhero my wild thing

**circus life ✌🤪**

You don't have to be an artist. Just spray paint a dick on a wall and boom

**pe🅱er**

no thanks

**Not Peter's Dad**

I hate you.

**pe🅱er**

that doesn't ADD anything but i like watching mj spray paint

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I've read back into the chat, do require any assistance in getting to Wakanda?

**pe🅱er**

cos she does cool stuff

nah i think mr bucky had a way

**Not Peter's Dad**

Barnes got a lift.

**pe🅱er**

I just need to ask my aunt and my friends need to ask their parents

**circus life ✌🤪**

Have i seen her stuff? Tell me whereeee

**pe🅱er**

idk ????

**circus life ✌🤪**

I saw a cool mural on 4th

**pe🅱er**

she did some blm ones that were HELLA COOL

mj is incredible i would literally die for her and i honeslty think i WILL

**circus life ✌🤪**

Fuck the police

**Not Peter's Dad**

No comment on the police.

**circus life ✌🤪**

If she needs money for paint lemme know i will Support

**pe🅱er**

i give her money for it sometimes cos mr stark is crazy and jus gives me money sometimes

**circus life ✌🤪**

He gives you money???

**pe🅱er**

??? yea

im his intern

**circus life ✌🤪**

I am offended i am his TEAMMATE

**Not Peter's Dad**

Okay I'm passing out.

**pe🅱er**

well we finally figured it out he's gonna put it in a savings account but we hadn't rlly discussed it before so he jus randomly gabe me money

**circus life ✌🤪**

Night dork

**pe🅱er**

gn not dad!

**circus life ✌🤪**

I hear everything. No secrets from me

**pe🅱er**

i have a secret.

and youll never know it

**circus life ✌🤪**

A secret

Do tell

**pe🅱er**

no

???

it's a secret

thats like. the whole point

**circus life ✌🤪**

Not a cool secret unless you tell someone

**pe🅱er**

someone knows

maybe ill tell mr antman

**circus life ✌🤪**

I am Offended

**pe🅱er**

ok boomer :zany_face:

**circus life ✌🤪**

I shared my binder and rib secrets w you

**pe🅱er**

didn't have to??

oh hi mr antman are you lurking

**circus life ✌🤪**

Fair point youre not actually obligated im just sayin i could help

**antay anmay**

Yes, just a late arrival catching up on past messages

**circus life ✌🤪**

What antman idk whats happening i had a minor stroke

**pe🅱er**

my secret is.

i have a child :pensive:

**circus life ✌🤪**

YOURE SPIDER-MAN

**pe🅱er**

that's why i have dad vibes

**antay anmay**

SO YOU ARE A DAD

**pe🅱er**

yes

we have split custody :/ i miss him

**circus life ✌🤪**

Nope youre an infant

**pe🅱er**

because of covid he's been staying at his moms

**circus life ✌🤪**

Is it a bag of flour?

**pe🅱er**

no it's a guinea pig

his name is jake

but i call him jakey

**antay anmay**

What color is he

**circus life ✌🤪**

Whos his mom

**pe🅱er**

my son, look at my son,

pride is not the word im looking for

there is so much more inside me nowwwww

my father died ,,, my mother died,,,, i swear i won't die probably,,,,,,z

anyway his mom is mj

his other dad is ned

**circus life ✌🤪**

I will not let you die and mj is my favorite teen

**pe🅱er**

you cannot stop me,

what if i told you. i almost died several times already

**antay anmay**

You have?

**pe🅱er**

... no?

**circus life ✌🤪**

Psh same dont pretend youre special

**antay anmay**

No I mean you’ve told us already

**pe🅱er**

maybe

oh

**circus life ✌🤪**

But seriously wut

**pe🅱er**

what

**circus life ✌🤪**

You haven't

Right?

**pe🅱er**

I haven't what

**circus life ✌🤪**

You haven't almost died youre an infant

**pe🅱er**

uh

ok funny story

**circus life ✌🤪**

Do tell

**pe🅱er**

right! so

my first gfs dad was crazy

lol

and then a few other times but that was fine tbh

**Loki, God of Mischief**

He has almost died on multiple occasions.

**circus life ✌🤪**

Who did this?

**pe🅱er**

idk i was "wearing pjs as a suit" according to mr stank

**circus life ✌🤪**

Names parker

**pe🅱er**

don't.

**circus life ✌🤪**

I will end them

**pe🅱er**

no thanks

it's fine i swear

**circus life ✌🤪**

Surprised stark didnt end them tbh

**pe🅱er**

it's just like OOGA BOOGA

**Loki, God of Mischief**

They're already taken care of.

**pe🅱er**

oh my god mr loki you don't even know me why ya actin like this

:pensive:

**circus life ✌🤪**

I want to be pleased but i still dont like you so

**pe🅱er**

literally all he did was collapse a building on me

smh

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I do keep up with the news.

**pe🅱er**

nice!

**circus life ✌🤪**

A BUILDING

**pe🅱er**

?? yea

im strong i could pick it up

**circus life ✌🤪**

A WHOLE BUILDING

**pe🅱er**

well not pick it up

but like

escape

you know

**circus life ✌🤪**

that is

So wildy messed up

**pe🅱er**

it was fine i jus was like OOGA BOOGA cos mr stark had taken my suit so i jus had to use Strength and that sucked

idk it was kinda traumatic according to aunt may and mr stark but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ it is what it is

**antay anmay**

Well, kid, that must have taken a lot. I’m glad you’re still here to spread your Awesome Dad Vibes to the world

**pe🅱er**

thank u

can't believe circus man is telling me my life is messed up

shits crazu

**circus life ✌🤪**

Is that who i am to you??? CIRCUS MAN?

i feel attacked

**pe🅱er**

yes

**circus life ✌🤪**

I was the best act in the circus

**pe🅱er**

ok and

circus man circus man

**circus life ✌🤪**

I cant believe youre callin me out like this

Ive done nothing but support you

**pe🅱er**

ok boomer

**circus life ✌🤪**

I do not appreciate this like technically i am a millenial

On the edge but still

I have the attitude

**pe🅱er**

technically you're an old man :pensive:

**circus life ✌🤪**

Technically youre a baby so

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Clint.

**pe🅱er**

HEY fuck off :)

:(*

oh hi mr loki

**circus life ✌🤪**

Im telling tony you swore

**pe🅱er**

he swears??? all the time

also don't ignore mr loki that's mean

**circus life ✌🤪**

Yes and?

**pe🅱er**

AND you need to be polite.

if you're not polite you're a boomer :/ thems the rules

**circus life ✌🤪**

No one asked me a question

I agree clint is in fact my name

**pe🅱er**

then say HI or Loki. back

**circus life ✌🤪**

Hi. Happy?

**pe🅱er**

yes thank u

**Loki, God of Mischief**

...I'd. Like to apologise. For my actions, in New York.

**circus life ✌🤪**

Gonna have to do better than that

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I recognise that.

However, I find I am. Lacking, in ideas.

**circus life ✌🤪**

Going away and never interacting w me again is a v good start

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I do not believe that is an option. I'm sorry.

**pe🅱er**

:tea~1:

**circus life ✌🤪**

Thrilling. Then i can remove my aids and leave the room when youre around

Problem solved

The gym is always open

**pe🅱er**

proud of u mr barton

**circus life ✌🤪**

Thanks kid. Punching things generally makes me feel better

**pe🅱er**

yeah i mean me 2

**circus life ✌🤪**

And pls stop w the mr barton

Im getting hives

**pe🅱er**

ok mr clint

**circus life ✌🤪**

Nope just clint

**pe🅱er**

no thanks

**circus life ✌🤪**

Ive never met anyone who was too polite until now

**pe🅱er**

my aunt and uncle taught me to be polite

**circus life ✌🤪**

But if theres no option then mr Clint is better than the alternative...

But seriously

Clint is fine

**pe🅱er**

it's not POLITE

**circus life ✌🤪**

It is bc i said it is! Isnt it impolite to call me something else?

**pe🅱er**

hbfngngng

**circus life ✌🤪**

Gotchu

**pe🅱er**

thanks.

idk it's just like.

idk i feel like i need to be polite and respectful

**circus life ✌🤪**

Youre plenty respectful. Just clint ok? Trust me its better than the alternative.

**pe🅱er**

i dunno

**circus life ✌🤪**

You can do it.

**pe🅱er**

sigh

im boredddddddd

**circus life ✌🤪**

Yeah and i invited you to mario kart and you Declined

**pe🅱er**

i was being :salt:

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I'm afraid I have to leave. My son is here...

**circus life ✌🤪**

Your WHAT

**Loki, God of Mischief**

My son.

**circus life ✌🤪**

That in no way explains anything

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I have a son...?

**circus life ✌🤪**

Again

What

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I have a son.

**circus life ✌🤪**

Yes i can read but that is not an explanation

**pe🅱er**

hi imeback

sorry i was busy crying

who is your son

**circus life ✌🤪**

Who dared make you cry

**pe🅱er**

my bones????

ooga booga

**circus life ✌🤪**

Oof ouch?

**pe🅱er**

no im just depressed lol

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Their name is Ace. They are adopted.

**pe🅱er**

nice

ace hardware :handshake: ace bandages :handshake: ace lokison

**circus life ✌🤪**

Yeah. Nice...

**pe🅱er**

im dnjcjxxnxjx

i want to scream

**circus life ✌🤪**

Do it

Scream

**pe🅱er**

no

aunt mays asleep

don't wanna wake her up

**circus life ✌🤪**

Scream quietly

**pe🅱er**

??.???

**Loki, God of Mischief**

You seem so surprised I have a son.

**pe🅱er**

him or me?

**circus life ✌🤪**

Is that surprising?

**pe🅱er**

idk

**circus life ✌🤪**

Id say yes

**pe🅱er**

I'm SP SAD

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Why is that surprising to you, Barton?

**pe🅱er**

:MORESCREM:

**circus life ✌🤪**

Oh sorry maybe it was that time you made me kill a bunch of ppl i knew

**pe🅱er**

:Shockedbutnotsurprised:

**circus life ✌🤪**

Youre not...gentle

**pe🅱er**

:tea~1:

**circus life ✌🤪**

AM I WRONG

**pe🅱er**

:shooketh:

mr clint going OFF in the chilis tonight

**circus life ✌🤪**

Spicy

**pe🅱er**

:rudeassbitch:

**circus life ✌🤪**

Stop w your emojis i didnt ask for this

**pe🅱er**

sorry mr clint

**circus life ✌🤪**

You cannot pet my dog for a week

**pe🅱er**

whY

I APOLOGIZED!!!

**circus life ✌🤪**

Ok if you bring us pizza i will lift the ban

Lucky loves pizza more than me

**pe🅱er**

im in bed :/

**circus life ✌🤪**

Shhhhh good you should be in bed bc youre 3 years old

**pe🅱er**

:(

you're mean im 15

**circus life ✌🤪**

I am v nice and 15 is basically 3

**pe🅱er**

im literally going to cry right now :(

crying in the club :v::zany_face:

**circus life ✌🤪**

You cant get into a club

Kid pls

**pe🅱er**

i coild

**circus life ✌🤪**

Care to test that theory

**pe🅱er**

surw

when

**circus life ✌🤪**

Now

**pe🅱er**

ok

**circus life ✌🤪**

You're in queens right

**pe🅱er**

m

mhm

**circus life ✌🤪**

Ok as it turns out all the bars are closed but

**pe🅱er**

:(

**circus life ✌🤪**

Point still stands and we will resolve this soon

**pe🅱er**

ok

**circus life ✌🤪**

Like 4am is too late honestly

**pe🅱er**

it's not then

**circus life ✌🤪**

Who do they think they are

Wut

**pe🅱er**

oh no :(

4 am :(

**circus life ✌🤪**

Did you Not Know?

**pe🅱er**

I'm dumb :)

im SO SAD

**circus life ✌🤪**

Why

**pe🅱er**

idk

depresion

**circus life ✌🤪**

Yknow if you outside and/or exercise depression isn't a problem

**pe🅱er**

I,

did u jus

im

:pensive:

can i get an f in the chat for rip mr clint

he's not dead he's just dead to me

**circus life ✌🤪**

You need to talk kid?

Foreal tho

**Loki, God of Mischief**

hm.

bitchin.

**pe🅱er**

HI mr loki

**circus life ✌🤪**

Did they just

Bitchin

Who taught you this

**pe🅱er**

im

im disguseted

help

**circus life ✌🤪**

They said it not me

I am in the clear

**pe🅱er**

im so SAD my legs hurt

**circus life ✌🤪**

Squats. GO

**pe🅱er**

4:20 woohoo do drugs

**Toddbot [BOT]**

Nice.

**pe🅱er**

thank u

country roads

**Toddbot [BOT]**

Take me home.

**pe🅱er**

:,)

**circus life ✌🤪**

to the place

**Toddbot [BOT]**

I belong.

**circus life ✌🤪**

Oh noice didnt even plan that

**pe🅱er**

im so

im feeling something

OOGA BOOGA

**Loki, God of Mischief**

hola idiotas

**pe🅱er**

hi ace im guesijg

**circus life ✌🤪**

Wait its not loki

**pe🅱er**

doubt it

they said hello

formal

like me

i appreciate that

gotta be polite

wait im not formal

idk

**circus life ✌🤪**

You literally insist upon mr in front of my name

**pe🅱er**

is that formal

or polite

also fuck u it's what aunt may and uncle ben taught me to do :/

**circus life ✌🤪**

Yes well i learned to call everyone asshole until they proved themselves

Many didnt

**pe🅱er**

yeah well both.of us are messed up in different ways

congrats mr circus man

**circus life ✌🤪**

Congrats asshole

Oh no

**pe🅱er**

:(

**circus life ✌🤪**

That feels bad

Nvm

**pe🅱er**

:)

**circus life ✌🤪**

I take it back

I cant do it

Too pure

**pe🅱er**

m not pure

im just good at.pretend ing

:point_right::point_left:

**Loki, God of Mischief**

el niño es correcto

Es Ace.

**pe🅱er**

are you spanish

**circus life ✌🤪**

I know hola and si

**pe🅱er**

because i hate to break it to you but my Spanish is iffy

i don't pay much attention in class but i know a little

i guess maybe i know enough to carry on a comvo

**circus life ✌🤪**

Donde esta la biblioteca

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Estoy bromeando contigo.

**pe🅱er**

rude

:/

**circus life ✌🤪**

Idk what that means

**pe🅱er**

"I'm kidding you"

**circus life ✌🤪**

Didnt even answer my question

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Usa spanishdict.com  **@circus life ✌🤪**

**pe🅱er**

oh my gosh please speak english it's too early and you said you were kidding me

**circus life ✌🤪**

Its after 4am so i am not obligated to know other languages

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Idiotas...

**pe🅱er**

yeah what about it

maybe im STUPID but im also NICE

**circus life ✌🤪**

Woah woah woah

**pe🅱er**

im aLLOWED to be a himbo if i want to be

**circus life ✌🤪**

Idiota is a little harsh

**pe🅱er**

IMso tired of this NONSENSE i try so much to be nice and what do i get??? spanish

I get spanISH

**circus life ✌🤪**

And jfc you cant be a himbo if youre under 18

**pe🅱er**

and.my Spanish is okay but im jus so tired

**circus life ✌🤪**

I will not allow it

**pe🅱er**

ok frick off you're not my dad

**circus life ✌🤪**

I will call Murdock and tony and your aunt i s2g

Dont test me

**pe🅱er**

nooo

wait none of those are my dad either

**circus life ✌🤪**

Who tells you what to do

**pe🅱er**

mj

sometimes ned

shuri a lot

uh

myself i guess

**circus life ✌🤪**

Those are Not good role models

**pe🅱er**

they're not role models

**circus life ✌🤪**

Cmon i know may keeps track of you

**pe🅱er**

you asked me who tells me what to do

yea

don't bother her tonight ok

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Bien.

**pe🅱er**

she has a long shift tomorrow

oh my GOSH PLS

**circus life ✌🤪**

Fine ill bother you

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Hola, monolinguals.

**circus life ✌🤪**

Go to bed spider-child

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I'm speaking english now, happy?

**pe🅱er**

yes

not going to bed

im fine

**circus life ✌🤪**

I am technically bilingual

**pe🅱er**

i'm just NFNFJFJD

im lowkey ok at spanish but also im dumb

i lose my ability the later it gets :/

**circus life ✌🤪**

Ive got Russian but ive literally never used it outside of secret convos w nat

**pe🅱er**

nice n edgy

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Hi.

**pe🅱er**

hi

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I'm Ace.

**pe🅱er**

im peter nice to meet you

what're your pronouns

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Heard one of you is surprised I exist.

**pe🅱er**

not it

**Loki, God of Mischief**

They/them, if you please.

Ah.  **@circus life ✌🤪**

**pe🅱er**

cool beans :v:

mine're he/him :zany_face:

mr clint

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Coward.

**pe🅱er**

don't be mean

how old are you

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Anyway, why are you surprised I exist  **@circus life ✌🤪** ?

**pe🅱er**

cos mr loki was mean to him

**@circus life ✌🤪** mr clint are you awake

**@Loki, God of Mischief** how old are you

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I'm like.

17.

**circus life ✌🤪**

Im like 30% awake

  
  



	8. get in losers we're going to wakanda

**pe🅱er**

Guys

im SO BORED someone come talk to me

**circus life ✌🤪**

I am a busy adult

**pe🅱er**

why

im your emotional support son im more important :/

**Sheds**

None of us count as adults, Barton.

**pe🅱er**

ha

where's mr antman tho he talks to me 

**Sheds**

Peter, you need to come to Wakanda. Please for the love of God Shuri will not shut up

**pe🅱er**

fine

sorry forgot to tell you our adults all said it was fine

we r jus chilling on mjs roof rn but we can come now if you want we just need to know how Long we will be there

like this is this a daytrip or like

**@Sheds**

answer me pls

**Sheds**

However long Shuri and MJ take to get their heads out of the metaphorical closet.

**pe🅱er**

that .

doesn't answer my question

should i bring a bag or no

im

**circus life ✌🤪**

Are you about to spirit these children away to wakanda?

**pe🅱er**

yes

**Sheds**

Yeah you probably should.

**pe🅱er**

okay

how're we getting there

loki offered us a way but idk

**@Sheds**

**circus life ✌🤪**

I vote any way but lokis way

**pe🅱er**

i know

uGh

**Not Peter's Dad**

What's going on.

**pe🅱er**

im moving out

**Not Peter's Dad**

Cool.

**pe🅱er**

thanks

jk im jus going to wakanda w the Boy and the scary one

that is. IF BUCKY REPLIES TO ME

**Not Peter's Dad**

Don't get your hopes up, he's kinda flakey.

**pe🅱er**

yeAh

like wtf

**Not Peter's Dad**

ESPECIALLY TO DEPOSITIONS.

**pe🅱er**

i

**@Sheds**

**Not Peter's Dad**

Can't say I'm surprised.

**pe🅱er**

UGH

how do i GET TO WAKANDA to make shuri and mj fall in LOVE without BUCKY

**Not Peter's Dad**

Apparently you don't.

**pe🅱er**

ugh

**Sheds**

Get in losers we're going to Wakanda

**pe🅱er**

GET IN WHAT

WHERE

WHEN

YOU HAVENT PROVIDED ME WITH INFO

**Sheds**

Look up

**pe🅱er**

i

ok

**Sheds**

Hi

**pe🅱er**

wtf.

how long will it take?

**Sheds**

Few days probably

**pe🅱er**

..

to .

get there?

**Sheds**

Oh no

Like 3 hours

pe🅱er

oh thank god

im so sad

:( im bored

 **@circus life ✌🤪** circus man **✌🤪**

**circus life ✌🤪**

What do you want fetus

**pe🅱er**

not a fetus

are you gonna be about mr loki forever

no shade if you are im jus wondering

**circus life ✌🤪**

Depends

**pe🅱er**

on w hat

YOOO my best bros online

hi mr antman

**circus life ✌🤪**

I dont know yet

I thought barley was your best bro

**pe🅱er**

HES IGNORING ME

nah he's probably just distracted

but fkfnf

**circus life ✌🤪**

Oh how you suffer

**pe🅱er**

yea :(

**circus life ✌🤪**

I thought you were doing the spidey thing?

**pe🅱er**

what spidey thing

**circus life ✌🤪**

Idk goin out and stopping bike thefte

**pe🅱er**

oh

i did that

mj and ned wanted to hang out

**circus life ✌🤪**

And youre bored?

**pe🅱er**

then we decided to go to wakanda

so now we're on our way and it's BORING

**circus life ✌🤪**

Long flight tbf. Howd you get a ride?

**pe🅱er**

mr bucky

**antay anmay**

Hey y’all, it’s yer resident Ant-Dad, catching up on the chat. I see another dad has joined the club? (Or mom, or parent, if you prefer @Loki, God of Mischief . This club is gender inclusive 

**pe🅱er**

hi mr ant man!

**antay anmay**

Hi peBer? How ya doin? I have a question if you’re open to that

**pe🅱er**

ask away

**antay anmay**

So...my daughter, Cassie, told me she’s ace.

I try to be supportive but I don’t know exactly what to do?

**Sheds**

This is hilarious because apparently Loki has a kid literally named Ace.

**antay anmay**

Like, I can say I’m with her all I want, but how do I show that I’m really with her?

**pe🅱er**

idk aunt may jus told me she loved me and that i would always be her kid even tho im technically not but that was cool

**Sheds**

Anyway. Ask her if she wants a pride flag? Ask her if she wants to make a Thing™ of it, or if it's just. "Hey. This is me, thought you should know."

**pe🅱er**

i know sometimes parents are like "Well Are You Sure :/" and ignore when a kid comes out so i would be like. sure to not ask questions about that

i mean like don't ask her if she's sure by questions like that

like yknow you jus gotta accept her and love her

**antay anmay**

Hmm. Yeah. She’s still quite young, and I’m not sure if she’s found herself yet, but who am I to question her journey?

Thanks y’all, you really set me straight 

**pe🅱er**

between you and me i thought i was a lesbian at first but yknow. it wasn't a big deal when i switched labels and realized im a dude so i would make sure that you are like. cool about it if she DOES change labels

**antay anmay**

(Wait wait no pun intended)

**pe🅱er**

heh

pun

shits wild

2 more hours until we get to wakanda 

**antay anmay**

Is that anticipation or boredom?

**circus life ✌🤪**

Both

**pe🅱er**

boredom

no just boredom

**antay anmay**

Cause man, ive been under house arrest for two years, and do I have some experience with boredom

**pe🅱er**

i missed shuri tho so im excited to see her!

but she's gonna be seeing mj so she's probably just gonna ignore me LMAO

also that sucks will you be under house arrest forwver

**antay anmay**

lmao, being a third wheel is simultaneously the most and least fun thing ever

**pe🅱er**

my bf is here too so fjfbnnf but the whole reason for the trip is to get the lesbians together lol

**antay anmay**

also that sucks will you be under house arrest forwver

 **@pe🅱er** nah, I got out thank goodness -but not without a couple close calls-

**pe🅱er**

OH good

iwould suck at that

**antay anmay**

welp, having a very playful daughter helps for sure

**pe🅱er**

i feel like that might honestly make it worse for me

im ok with little kids but not great

how old is your daughter ?

**antay anmay**

~15

I’m garbage at ages so I might be off a couple years

I dont even know my own age

**pe🅱er**

omg whAT

she and i could be friends im 15

**antay anmay**

I could Get the two of you in touch , it would be a x-country friendship tho

**pe🅱er**

wait sorry did you know im 15 cos like mr captain america kinda lost his shit when he found out

**antay anmay**

Still live in San Francisco if you don’t remember

**pe🅱er**

cool!!

why

why*

NOT WHY

ahh*

**antay anmay**

Lived there pretty much all my life, even in prison

**pe🅱er**

ooga booga yknow

**antay anmay**

I don’t know, but ooga booga I guess

**pe🅱er**

thank y

you

HEY did you know mr clint was in the circus

**antay anmay**

Clint? Circus? That’s simultaneously the most and least surprising thing I’ve ever heard

**pe🅱er**

ITS SO FUNNY

**antay anmay**

Cause like, archery, but also, WHAT?

**pe🅱er**

YEAH LOL

**antay anmay**

Was it just trick shots? Or also deaf-gimmicky stuff? Did he do blindfold stuff?

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

**pe🅱er**

IKR

i think the clowns raised him **✌🤪**

**antay anmay**

**@circus life ✌🤪** do you know any magicians? Cause I need to refine my magic game bro

Welp, parenting calls — I guess I’d better search for some high-quality pride stuff for Cassie.

**pe🅱er**

like an hour and a half left

ned is asleep

mj is sketchin

i am bored :/

**pe🅱er**

an hour left!!!!!

im dying why is everyone asleep butnme

**pe🅱er**

guys I know we're gettingthere in like 20 mins but jm so tired

sleepy time


	9. is it gay to share a bed

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Something crawled into my mouth and died last night

So many regrets

**pe🅱er**

wtf

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Youre a fetus you cannot understand but wow

And a black eye on top of that

**pe🅱er**

i

you worry me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I worry a lot of ppl

**pe🅱er**

I slept a whole 9 hours last night tho

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

That is...a lot of hours

Good job

**pe🅱er**

thanks

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I...did not

**pe🅱er**

i haven't slept much lately so

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What a mood

Glad you got some rest kid

**pe🅱er**

thanks

dw tho now i jus won't sleep tonight

**pe🅱er**

mj and shuri do be crushin on each other

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Disaster lesbians

**pe🅱er**

yeah fr

like DAMB

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I thought you had a plan to fix this

**pe🅱er**

i didnt

mr bucky does

im just hoping it works but also if not its ok bc i brought ned and were jus vibing

but i do hope it doesnt take too long i feel bad about not being able to go out as spiderman for a little djgjidgd

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Id say murdocks got you covered but he stick to his like 3 blocks so

**pe🅱er**

i guess lolz

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Seems pretty quiet but if it makes you feel better ill keep an eye out

**pe🅱er**

thanks

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'll expand my patrol range. The news is going to lose its shit.

**pe🅱er**

bruh moment

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh wow look at this

**pe🅱er**

look at ehat

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Daredevil is leaving hells kitchen? INCONCEIVABLE

Did gordon ramsey call you names?

**pe🅱er**

heh

that was funny

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

what can i say. im a funny guy

**pe🅱er**

proud of u

kaitlyn bennett shat her pants 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

wut

**pe🅱er**

she's this person who goes around asking questions to random people on college campuses about if trans people deserve rights 

at some of them there's crowds and people give her toilet paper or start chanting "shit your pants"

because she shat her pants.

in college.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

oh noice. sounds like she sucks

**pe🅱er**

She DOES

damb tho she be acting like im goin in the bathroom to be creepy but using the bathroom is TERRIFYING for me 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

gotta find those single bathrooms

**pe🅱er**

but when the family bathrooms are out of order??? horrible :)

:/*

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

have you escaped

whatever traumatic bathroom experience you were having

**pe🅱er**

yes

sorry i was just remembering my bathroom trauma

**Not Peter's Dad**

Plenty of trauma in bathrooms.

**pe🅱er**

you get it

**Not Peter's Dad**

B)

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Where is nat i need a responsible adult

**Not Peter's Dad**

Those don't exist.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I need a competent adult

**Not Peter's Dad**

Those are not here.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

RIP me i guess

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yeah.

**pe🅱er**

what do you need her for

im not an adult but im competent

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I did a bad thing and i am now suffering the consequences

Emphasis on suffering

**pe🅱er**

did you do drugs

**Sheds**

None of us are competent in the slightest.

This is doubly so for our resident lesbians.

**pe🅱er**

yes i am :)

ARE THEY DATING YET

**Sheds**

Throwback to Shuri literally passing out when she saw MJ on the ship, Peter.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I did not. I ate some food I found in the fridge that def should not have been eaten and I want nat to come hold me pls

**pe🅱er**

she's SO dumb

uh then

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh yeah how are the disaster lesbians

**Sheds**

She's literally the smartest person on the planet. She's so fucking stupid.

**pe🅱er**

get a heating pad itll feel like ms natasha

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I am laying w a dog in her absence

**pe🅱er**

also anyone wanna trade 1d cards

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What

**pe🅱er**

one direction trading cards

who wants to trade

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What

The hell is a one direction

**pe🅱er**

???????????

aren't you hip

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

And why are there cards

**pe🅱er**

a band??????

popular like

a few years ago

i was like 9 when i got into them so like uhhhh

6 years ago

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Still hip. Just hate pop music

For reasons that are entirely fair

**pe🅱er**

don't you know that sog

song

you're insecure don't know what for

you don't know you're beautiful 

**Sheds**

Shuri: 

**pe🅱er**

gross i woudl rather die than have one of those

i would rather die x2

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Sog

**pe🅱er**

what's sog mean

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Idk you typed it

**pe🅱er**

OH

song

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Sog

**pe🅱er**

sorry my thoughts happen and then leave

**Sheds**

**pe🅱er**

#yolo

#socks

#myribshurt

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Is yall a controversial word now?

**pe🅱er**

y'all < all y'all

**Not Peter's Dad**

Okay.

**pe🅱er**

thanks

you want a hit? it's your choice but please enjoy the show 

**Not Peter's Dad**

What?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Have you thought about adhd medication?

**Not Peter's Dad**

Me or Peter?

**pe🅱er**

I'm not narcissistic I'm just high off the music and I don't wanna miss it but I wouldn't stop you 

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm leaving.

**pe🅱er**

WAHHANAHMA OO YA OO YA WHANANANANA OO YA OO YA BUHUBUHBUH

pls don't leave :(

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I think hes singing? In text chat...

**pe🅱er**

KEEP DOING KEEP DOING MEEEEE

**Not Peter's Dad**

I am aware and uninterested.

**pe🅱er**

AKNANANNDAAAOOH YA OOH YA

sorry im just singing the weed song 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nope. Please never tell anyone to keep doing you again you are a fetus and it is illegal

**pe🅱er**

:( the point of the song is that the singer doesn't do weed but if others do they don't care :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Do you "do" weed? I thought you smoked weed and did cocaine

**pe🅱er**

what

I've don't do drugs I DONT KNOW

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I think its definitely smoked weed

"Do weed" makes you sound like a narc

**pe🅱er**

IM DUMB I DONT DO THAT

**Sheds**

It doesn't really matter.

**pe🅱er**

no im not a. narc im just STUPID

**Sheds**

You wanna know what does matter? This cat in T'Challa's therapy garden.

It stole his hat.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Drugs are cool.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Agreed

**Not Peter's Dad**

And cats.

**Sheds**

:(

**pe🅱er**

drugs are VERY cool

**Sheds**

Pay attention to the cat!

  
  


**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I am a dog person but i accept the existence of cats even if they are assholes

**Not Peter's Dad**

Hey, what would happen if I took hallucinogens?

**Sheds**

:(

**pe🅱er**

idk

**Not Peter's Dad**

Hm.

**pe🅱er**

also mr barton were you asking if i need adhd meds

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I guess you would just hear some wild shit?

I was

**pe🅱er**

I don't 

probably

im taking out my bones

i wanna be harry in that one scene of harry potter

where he has 0 bones

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ah yes the one where he can't do shit or save the world bc he just flops around everywhere

**pe🅱er**

yea

i wanna flop 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Harry Potter and the Time Everyone Died and the Wizard Nazis Took Over

**pe🅱er**

GOD i wish that were me

existing is so emotionally draining

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Point.

Also physically draining

**pe🅱er**

time to die ig

WAIT i mean nap

here's a life hack

dont

gonna do something? don't.

checkmate

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Just sleep.

**pe🅱er**

no thank u

i live a sleepless life

sleep is 4 losers

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Whats wrong w you sleep is incredible

Dont want to deal w some bs? PASS OUT.

**pe🅱er**

idk i sleep like rlly well one night and then stay up until late for the next 3 days

me: 4 hours of sleep 5 hours of sleep 4 hours of sleep 9 hours of sleep

OH SOMETIMES i sleep for like 14 hours that's fun

jk i always feel rlly shitty after

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ppl are always waking me up bc Responsibilities but like. Consider my bed.

**pe🅱er**

sleep is.horrigle i wish.i didnt

sorry was having a stroke

anyway

sleep is horrible. i don't want to do it

what can i say except trauma 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

ok fair let me adjust bc there is a key component i didnt mention and that is alcohol

cant dream if you're literally unconscious

**pe🅱er**

cool idea gon go get drunk

telling mr murdock that you said it was fine 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i didn't say it was a Good Idea

i was just explaining why i like sleep

**pe🅱er**

well

yah ok

**@Sheds** what's wakandas drinking age

**Sheds**

Not legal.

**pe🅱er**

ugh

**Sheds**

  
  


**pe🅱er**

ok

just found out straight people exist :/

**Sheds**

Sounds fake

**pe🅱er**

ribs be like: ooga booga amirite

**@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law** i have a question about the circus

**Not Peter's Dad**

Imagine sexuality.

Couldn't be me.

**pe🅱er**

geoss imagne

**Not Peter's Dad**

You're dating Ned.

**pe🅱er**

ah.

unfortunately for him i disappoint everyone i know 

**Not Peter's Dad**

Can't be a disappointment if you don't have anyone, am I right?

**pe🅱er**

yeah i should try that

**Not Peter's Dad**

No, he likes you.

**pe🅱er**

unfortunate

guess ill die

**Not Peter's Dad**

Eh.

**pe🅱er**

who needs happiness when u have t swizzle

life goals

**Not Peter's Dad**

Don't know what either of those things are.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

**@pe🅱er** hit me w your circus question

**pe🅱er**

how old were you when you joined

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Idk 10ish i think?

**pe🅱er**

did a clown raise you.

in your circus years

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Several clowns were involved

**pe🅱er**

im

did the clowns ever ground you omg

CAN clowns ground you????

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Lol no i didnt get grounded

**pe🅱er**

that's somehow sadder than if clowns HAD grounded you

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Why? P much no rules for about half of my childhood

It was p cool until the crime thing

**pe🅱er**

idk

#raisedbynotourparentsgang

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Even when we lived w my parents it was more my brother tbh

My dad had no business raisin anyone

Not Peter's Dad

Same kinda.

**pe🅱er**

that's def sadder than mine im jus cursed

**Sheds**

I see you as a son.

**pe🅱er**

gross take it back

also we barely know each other??????

**Not Peter's Dad**

Rip.

**pe🅱er**

we fought ONCE and then we've spoken for like. a week

**Sheds**

That's all it takes tbh.

**pe🅱er**

gross take it back or you'll die

maybe im just cursed against father figures

quick mr murdock disown me or somethin

**Not Peter's Dad**

Naw.

**pe🅱er**

why NOT

**Not Peter's Dad**

Too much effort.

**pe🅱er**

the curse :/

**Not Peter's Dad**

Eh.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What curse

**pe🅱er**

im cursed

mr murdock doesn't believe it but it's true 

**Not Peter's Dad**

Sure.

**pe🅱er**

:(

**pe🅱er**

im wide awake :/

I just sneezed SO BIG

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I thought you dont get sick

**pe🅱er**

i do

and usually it's horrible

once mr murdock had to come pick me up and i felt SO CLOSE to death

it's just that i am like. less likely to get sick

idk usually when im sick i ignore it at first and then it gets worse 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I know that feel. Usually im not sick until natasha notices

**pe🅱er**

yea

funny story mr murdock didn't find out he was an emergency contact until he got that phone call lol

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im sure he was thrilled

**pe🅱er**

wh

eh*

i don't think he cared much he jus took me to his place and i passed the HECK out on his couch

also once he had to come in bc i got in a fight

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You? No kidding

**pe🅱er**

what

oh

he yelled at the principal tho cos i didn't hit flash back

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'd do it again.

**pe🅱er**

intense

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yeah.

**pe🅱er**

he hasn't tried to physically fight me since so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

guess it worked

**Not Peter's Dad**

I bet.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Hang on when you said you got in a fight i assumed you actually fought

**pe🅱er**

nah

s not a fair fight

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Are you telling me you got in trouble bc someone else punched you???

**pe🅱er**

no mr murdock yelled at them

i just ALMOST got in trouvle

**Not Peter's Dad**

Being a lawyer is nice because when I threaten to sue people actually believe me.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What the hell is up w schools

**Not Peter's Dad**

Dunno man.

**pe🅱er**

no violence policy

**Not Peter's Dad**

Not very effective.

**pe🅱er**

flashs parents pay big money

**Not Peter's Dad**

Well so do lawsuits.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Most countries also have a no violence policy and look how well thats working out for everyone

**pe🅱er**

im jus happy i didn't get in trouvle

**Not Peter's Dad**

If policies actually worked I'd be out of a job.

**pe🅱er**

i get enough detention already 

jk i don't get it often it's jus rl boring 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean same about the policy thing tbh

Did you get to watch caps video?

**pe🅱er**

i mean my school also has zero tolerance for bullying but here we are 

yes

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

SO YOU GOT DETENTION

I cannot tell you how happy I was when stark told me those existed

**pe🅱er**

heh

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

My favorite is A HOT LUNCH

**pe🅱er**

fjfjf

anyway moral of the story school sucks

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yeah i got out after elementary school so.

**pe🅱er**

ah,

im

Everytime you tell me more about your childhood i get more shocked

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Hey i learned and now im a gd avenger so

I think it all worked out

**pe🅱er**

i

ok

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Dont need an education to do crime and then shield helped me fill in the gaps

**pe🅱er**

idk i like learning

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean i dont mind it but im more a hands on kind of guy

**pe🅱er**

¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

i got into my school w a scholarship so it's like. a nerd school ig

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Eh. Long as you like it

**pe🅱er**

i do for the most part

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I was never good in school. Deaf and had a "bad attitude"

**pe🅱er**

im quiet at school so my teachers like me

i got in trouvle cos i didn't do my work for a little after my uncle died but they excused that mostly

aunt may made me go see a therapist and she said i had survivors guilt but then i got my act together and aunt may didn't make me keep going 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Shield made me go to therapy but it turns out i didnt grow out of my bad attitude

**pe🅱er**

f 

sometimes ned says i need therapy but you know how it is

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Therapy's bunk. If I feel bad, I sleep or go to the shooting range. Problem solved

**pe🅱er**

eggsactly 

jk i jus cry in the club or go out as Spiderman but 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No bouncer would ever let you into a club

**pe🅱er**

i can literally swing onto buildings, fool

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yeah well. So can i. Grapple arrow.

**pe🅱er**

im bored

neds sleeping :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Hi bored im clint

**pe🅱er**

hi mr barton i didn't know you were a father 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Uncle but i have rights

**pe🅱er**

ah

emotionally im a father

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No

**pe🅱er**

yes???

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nope. You are an infant and have no rights

**Sheds**

He has a son named Miles Morales.

**pe🅱er**

EMOTIONALLY

also still not an infant

miles needs a gay dad and that's me :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

The other spider kid?

**pe🅱er**

yea

he's a good kid

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Omg im watching old shark week episodes and a SHARK GOT INTO THE SHARK CAGE

**pe🅱er**

god me too

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I thought the whole point of those things was to make sure they COULDNT GET IM

**pe🅱er**

idk I've never watched

help

ned is cuddling me but im too warm but he's asleep

what do i so

do

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Probably dont ask me about relationships bc i dont have a v good track record

**pe🅱er**

:/

this isnt a relationship issue

hes done it before i never know what to do

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Shove him?

**pe🅱er**

no???

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You asked for advice

**pe🅱er**

mr barton omg

are you.... straight in my catholic home???

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I havent been straight a day in my life. I told you i just suck at relationships

**pe🅱er**

i KNOW i was just wondering

i don't have a problem with straight ppl i just think their lifestyle is unnatural :)

:/*

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Lol

**pe🅱er**

im bored

so bored

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You have a phone how can you be bored

**pe🅱er**

im very talented

theres nothing fun to do on my phone

i deleted tiktok bc they still your data and i dont have any games other than nonogram and sudoku

steal*

no wait i have TWO other games

bitlife and hair salon 4

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Find a better game. Browse reddit.

**pe🅱er**

OR hear me out

we could have a more entertaining talk

whats something fun to talk about

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I think you and me have very different ideas about whats fun

**pe🅱er**

:(

everything else makes me lose focus easily

mj is either dead, sleeping or staring at shuri

ned is asleep

shuri is. terrifying when she has a crush

mr murdock and aunt may are asleep and aunt may would jus tell me to go to bed so

OH and mr stark is busy sleeping or working idk whixh

and my boi country boy is sleeping(?) and mr antman is Offline

ms natasha is also offline

and mr bucky

so you are my Only Option

**mr stank**

Ha you assume i sleep

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ive been pinging nat all day i think shes ignoring me

He emerges

**pe🅱er**

ha you assume i don't know that mr rhodey makes you sleep sometimes

**mr stank**

You assume that i dont just stay awake anyway

**pe🅱er**

I've seen you sleep

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Hell ive seen you sleep

**mr stank**

Well ive seen you swing headfirst into buildings

**pe🅱er**

everyone has

there's comps of it on youtube

**mr stank**

Both of you, cling you sucked at grapling arrows for awhile

**pe🅱er**

I watch them when I'm sad because it's funny

**mr stank**

Clint*

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Excuse you i have never missed a day in my life

**pe🅱er**

sometimes they make them play in like the beat of a song which is HILARIOUS

jingle bells but it's just spiderman hitting windows and buildings

**mr stank**

Then why do i have a video of you slamming into walls when you first got the arrows

**pe🅱er**

heh

i also have that video for REASONS

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I made the shots perfectly fine

**pe🅱er**

i was cryin and the videos of me didn't make me feel better so i asked friday if she had anything similar 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

It was the after that took some practice

**mr stank**

Sure bud, whatever helps you sleep at night

**pe🅱er**

wow cheating on me with mr barton :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What. Friday just SHOWED YOU

A traitor

**pe🅱er**

i thought I was your bud

**mr stank**

Peter you are my buddy, my pal, my chap, other words for friend so i call you that, i just say it sarcastically to everyone else

**pe🅱er**

oh ok carry on

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yeah well I'm not a kid so I'm not lookin for your validation. Doesn't bother me

**pe🅱er**

HEY i don't look for his validation because im a kid

i look for it BECAUSE im cursed and kill off all my male parental figures :/

get it RIGHT

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Remind me never to parent you i guess?

**pe🅱er**

yeah i gotchu

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Also IF ANYONE CAN GET AHOLD OF NATASHA TELL HER TO CALL ME

**pe🅱er**

??? ok

if mr murdock and mr stark die is it my fault bc i warned them but they won't listen

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No. Murdocks gonna die doing something stupid and reckless and Stark's gonna die because...well, the same thing actually

**pe🅱er**

YEAH but it's still my fault for being cursed

right so like

it ends up being on me anyway???

idk

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Youre not cursed. Just incredibly unlucky.

**pe🅱er**

aunt may calls it parker luck

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean there arent a lot of heroes with living parents/relatives

We tend to get screwed

**pe🅱er**

i guess

s my fault for 1/3 of my parent figures deaths 

at least

ok anyway LOL

ned finally moved in his sleep so im free

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Escape

**pe🅱er**

i did

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Does your aunt know youre sleeping with your boyfriend

**pe🅱er**

uH

like .

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I thought parental ppl dont like that shit

**pe🅱er**

sharing ??? a bed???

or like. sex because we aren't having sex

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Idk i thought kids are supposed to leave room for jesus

**pe🅱er**

i mean

we've been. best friends for years

we've shared beds a ton of times before?

is that unusual????

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No clue. When i was your age my best friend was my older brother so.

Very different situation

**pe🅱er**

ah

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ive shared a bed w nat like 1000 times but we're also not dating

And we're adults

**pe🅱er**

idk i don't think mays worried about that cos she's given me the talk and also the whole trans thing i would rather die than do anything like that

ah

i mean s just a bed

ned and i are both pretty affectionate

so it doesn't rlly seem unusual for me lol

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean im just giving you shit i dont care and im not telling lol. Do what you want kid

Youre a teenager. Youre supposed to ignore any and all authority

**pe🅱er**

eh

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Which includes stark for the record

**pe🅱er**

i did that once

he took my suit away

kinda sucked

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

He cant take your suit away if you dont let him

**pe🅱er**

well

he did

and then i went after the bad guy anyway

and then the warehouse incident happene

and then he gave me my suit back

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Well there you go. Good job rebelling.

**pe🅱er**

no that was the time i got the warehouse on top of me

0/10 do not recommend

also my sort of gf moved away after bc her dad was the bad guy and i ditched her at the dance to go stop him

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Live and learn. Ive jumped off of more buildings than should be allowed

**pe🅱er**

yea ig

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

The nurses all know me now which is good and bad tbh

**pe🅱er**

anyway i dont rlly wanna rebel its not like i get anything out of it

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

LIFE EXPERIENCE

**pe🅱er**

like all that happens is 1. i get in trouvle or 2. i get injured and like ??? for what ???

i dont want that tho

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

cmon i ran away to the circus no one knows rebellion better than me. Doesnt have to be hero stuff

**pe🅱er**

i can get life experience without getting in trouble

idk even at school or whatever

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Play hooky or hace a drink or smoke some weed idk

Normal teen things

**pe🅱er**

like i guess i could rebel and beat up flash??? but like what do i get out of it?? ntohin

i had a drink like 2 days ago

they dont do much to me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ay there you go! Still its technically illegal and that's what matters

**pe🅱er**

i skip school sometimes but usually its spiderman related stuff

mr murdock let me do it

i dont wanna smoke weed tho id lose my scholarship

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

He understands. And dont do drugs or whatever unless you want to bc peer pressure is bad

**pe🅱er**

nah he jus let me cos his beer tastes like crap and he knew it wouldnt do anything to me

i mean the only rebel thing ive even considered is punching someone and even thats not worth it

if i do that i get attnetion and people will notice too much stuff and ill get discovered

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Depends. Who do you wanna punch and why?

**pe🅱er**

the kid at my school who punched me

flash

hes a dick and he deserves it but im stronger than him and i could seriously injure him and its not even worth it

id get suspended or smth his parents would cause a fuss

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

If he comes at you again you dont have to go full Spider-Man but maybe he would learn something from a shiner

**pe🅱er**

naw

too much attention and id get in trouble

and hes not gon do it again

mr murdock made sure of that

he just . says stuff a lot and it sucks

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Youre too wholesome its unsettling

What stuff?

**pe🅱er**

is it important?

hes just a dick cos he knows he can get away with it

he uh . knew me before i came out and wont let it go

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Well thats just shitty. Gimme a day and ill get you some ammo to fire back with

**pe🅱er**

no

its fine i dont wanna make it worse

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh cmon you cant just let him walk all over you

**pe🅱er**

mr murdock offered to go in already but its not a big deal id rather him be a jerk to me rather than someone else but its jus annoying

not like that

i dont care about what he says usually cos its not true its just annoying when he calls me penis parker all the fucking time

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

His name is flash and hes giving you shit?

**pe🅱er**

his real name is eugene "/

:/*

but dont do anything pls

ESPECIALLY dont tell ms natasha shed threaten him and i DONT want that to happen cos he would get himself killed

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ok his name is EUGENE and hes giving you shit? Wild

**pe🅱er**

yea

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I wont do anything unless you tell me to but I think youre letting him off easy

**pe🅱er**

again. his parents pay the school a ton of money

everyone looks away if hes a dick

plus not everyones a huge fan of supporting the quiet poor kid whos trans yknow

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im an avenger and i have recently come into some money as a result. I will happily support the quiet poor kid whos trans

**pe🅱er**

what

no

please dont

i promise its fine i just wanted to complain

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I told you i wont do anything you dont want me to. Im just saying if you need help...with money or bullies or whatever, ive got your back kid

**pe🅱er**

listen hes a jerk but hes not like. a bad person he just has bad role models

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Or if you just want to complain then ill sit and listen and tell you hes a dick

**pe🅱er**

and since my schools prolly gon be online i dont rlly need to worry about it

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Fair. COVIDs helpin all the kids tbh

How do they check homework?

**pe🅱er**

dunno

my school made stuff optional cos we werent prepared to do online work

not sure how theyre gon do it this fall

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

How do they know ppl arent cheating?

**pe🅱er**

honor code ig

they wont tell us anything yet lol

gon be bonkers

might cry if i have to do online school

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Sounds like the bwst school year of all time. No adults?

**pe🅱er**

no motivation more like

schools nice cos i can focus on my work but my room is Distracting and i can never find a better place to work

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Cant really quarantine if ppl need superheroes. Mask might get messed up and ruin my shot so like

Either i get covid and die or not

**pe🅱er**

i dunno if i can get it so

also im young so im less likely to suffer from it

aunt mays a nurse tho so if i get it ill need to find somewhere to quarantine and itll suck

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Fair. Im...not old and im healthy so ill probably be fine. Didnt know your aunt was a nurse

**pe🅱er**

yea

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Good chance ive met her lol

**pe🅱er**

her names may parker

s nice cos if mr murdocks busy i can ask her to help when i get wounded but also shes like "peter wtf"

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Idk im terrible at names but sounds vaguely familiar. Ill pay attention next time. Stark says she's a looker

**pe🅱er**

mr stark is SO weird about it

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Lol I was kidding to be clear

**pe🅱er**

good

he calls her aunt hottie

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh man that is

Wild

**pe🅱er**

yea :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ew

You want me to hit stark? I wont say why. Punching him is always a good time

**pe🅱er**

nah

hes mostly joking

im used to it tho

people act like that a lot its lowkey embarrassing how oblivious aunt may is

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

My ex wife was the opposite lol. She's pretty cool tho. We're...friends? She helps me out when I fuck up which is always

**pe🅱er**

YOUVE BEEN MARRIED?????

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Do not recommend. We were...not good married. I told you im bad at relationships

**pe🅱er**

Lool

me too tho

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Youve been married???

**pe🅱er**

yes emotionally

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I dont know what that means

**pe🅱er**

me neithet

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Well one of us has to know and youre the one who said it

**pe🅱er**

no i dont :/

im STUPID mr barton

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You just told me you go to a special school for smart kids

**pe🅱er**

emotionally stupid

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Well youre preaching to the choir there

**pe🅱er**

I don't know what that means,

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

It means Same.

MOOD.

**pe🅱er**

ah

thanks

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im not happy that i had to translate

Im not that old

**pe🅱er**

maybe you should have been clearer then?????

i need to shower

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Its a common saying!

Why dont you know it?

**pe🅱er**

im not a boomer

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I think i am technically a millenial by like 0.2 seconds???

Not that i give a single shit

**pe🅱er**

lmao ok boomer

my mouth is full of toothpaste :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Dont ok boomer me you whippersnapper

**pe🅱er**

that was funny

proud of u

old man

i need to wash my hair

is it too late to shower

or early ig

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Never too late

**pe🅱er**

ok cool

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Its not even 3am what are you talking about

**pe🅱er**

idk

i mean ned and I are in a guest room w an attached bathroom so ig it's fine but idk i don't wanna be like. annoying lol

also don't even say anything abt the sharing a room we would have done it either way it doesn't make sense to get too rooms when we like each other

two

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I wasnt gonna say anything jeez calm down

**pe🅱er**

ok

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Just close the bathroom door

**pe🅱er**

yea

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Showers arent that loud kid

And most ppl think the sound of falling water is relaxing

**pe🅱er**

yeah but i have anxiety :/

jk it's not diagnosed it's jus according to mj

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean fair. But whats the worst that can happen? Ned wakes up and hears you showering and then goes back to bed bc he doesnt care...

**pe🅱er**

i guess

stop using logic that's fucking disgusting

sorry i didn't mean to swear

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Youre allowed to swear and to call ppl by their names without the mr

**pe🅱er**

i don't mind that

it's just polite to use it

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Eh. Mr makes me sound like some kinda responsible gentleman and i am definitely not that

**pe🅱er**

eh

you're kinda responsible

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Haha im screenshotting that and sending it to natasha

**pe🅱er**

you haven't died yet

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Neither have you

**pe🅱er**

yea

never said i wasn't responsible

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

A few months ago i jumped off of a building without a grapple and landed on a hot dog cart.

Does that sound responsible to you

**pe🅱er**

once i got shot but i had school in 2 hours so i jus took care of it and went anyway

it sucked

no sleep AND. a bullet wound? no fun

and it was before anyone knew so i jus vibed like that

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oof been there. Not the school thing but like. Missions a mission. Sometimes you gotta vibe w a searing pain in an extremity

**pe🅱er**

also ive been in a rush to switch into my suit and jus worn my binder which always sucks 

being an avenger sucks lolz

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Cant argue w that. Stark didnt somehow include a binder in the suit? Lol

**pe🅱er**

he did i jus am in a rush sometimes and yolo it

before he found out tho. whew. not fun

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Either way im the last person to give you shit for it. I did all of my shows in a binder and my ribs are absolutely fucked to this day

**pe🅱er**

yea im jus like cos if you mess em up too bad you can't get top surgery

also it kinda jus sucks

funny story mr stark found out cos i broke a rip and karen scanned it lol and told him 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oof im sure that was a fun conversation

Everyone at the circus knew but nobody really gave a shit

**pe🅱er**

ah

ig thatd be cool

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Didnt get surgery til i signed on w shield tho

**pe🅱er**

mays cool about it but she struggled a little at first w pronouns and new name and all

she cried when i told her i was changing my middle name to benjamin LOL

jk i felt bad abt making her cry but it was like good tears so

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Good tears are ok

I dont actually know if the team knows about me. Tony probably hacked shields records so

And nat knows obviously

**pe🅱er**

anyway the school sucks a little but they let me use the school counselors bathroom instead of the public ones so

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

They dont even let you use the right bathroom?

**pe🅱er**

they.. would not be thrilled abt it if i pushed the issue

idk i don't rlly want to i think flash would try somethihn again and he'd get away with it

schools wild when youre not cis 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Wouldnt know lol. I only went to school for like 6 years

5 years?

**pe🅱er**

right

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Either way i barely remember it except a lot of adults yelling

**pe🅱er**

fuckin crazy

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im telling stark you used the f word. Thats 2x now

**pe🅱er**

my aunt and uncle told me that when i moved in with them I was difficult at school but lik. i had jus moved and my parents had both died so it was expected

bro

he probably(?) won't care

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I was fucking w you anyway. I still have to bribe nat to do my paperwork bc im no good at that shit. Spelling is not my thing

**pe🅱er**

i was young enough that it didn't rlly matter so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

but other than the stuff w my uncle i was a good student ig

idk why i said was i still am tegcnicaly

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

And yet youve had detention. For shame.

**pe🅱er**

for skipping

oh once i got suspended for 2 days 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Good for you. Skipping is important. Or so the teen movies tell me

**pe🅱er**

ig

the suspension was not skipping, surprisingly but it wasnt like i did anything bad i just walked out of school for a protest

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What kinda protest?

**pe🅱er**

the march for our lives stuff

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Youre a good kid and dont let school convince you to stop standing up for what you believe in.

**pe🅱er**

mj told ned and i to walk out and explained why and then we did and got 2 days of iss w the other 40 or so kids who did it 

mjs mom framed her letter from the school which i thought was cool

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Noice. If you ever need an excuse to bounce i am here for you tiny child

**pe🅱er**

not tiny

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I will call in a family emergency bc OH NO TONY HAS RUN OUT OF CAVIAR

**pe🅱er**

also nah im still not rlly into teenage rebellion

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You would let tony die without his fancy fish eggs? So selfish

**pe🅱er**

if he dies it's my fault anyway lmso

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No we talked about this

**pe🅱er**

still my fault

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nope. Ill fight a child. Try me

**pe🅱er**

fight me then

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Done where are we doin this

And what are the rules?

**pe🅱er**

now no rules just death

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No dont tell me that bc ill take it seriously

And then stark will castrate me

**pe🅱er**

awesome come kill me 

you're a fool if you think aunt may will not be the one to kill you

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I didnt say stark was going to kill me. He will castrate me and leave me for your aunt

**pe🅱er**

no she's got like

10 senses she will KNOW

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

10? Explain

What senses

**pe🅱er**

mr bird im so unsmart you can't make me do this

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You go to smart ppl school

Im a dumb hick so dont test me kid

**pe🅱er**

maybe im drunk :/

i need to shower still but fjcnnf

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Shower beer

**pe🅱er**

wtf

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No wait youre a baby

No shower beer for you

**pe🅱er**

im still not a baby

maybe ill fuck around and get high jus to prove you wront

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Where are you gonna get weed?

And your metabolism is fast. I thought drugs dont work well

**pe🅱er**

they don't 

i bet shuri has some tho

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Fair...but please dont because i dont actually want tony to murder me.

**pe🅱er**

he doesn't need to know

jm gonna go shower maybe

my hair is making me sad

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I need a haircut

Its touchin my earssss

**pe🅱er**

i dont

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Tried to put my aid in this morning and i had to physically push my hair out of the way :/

**pe🅱er**

time to go shower in the dark jus for fun

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Close the door and turn on the light dummy

**pe🅱er**

no door close light off

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Lol whatever but dont say i didnt warn you

**pe🅱er**

about whar

???

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

About waking your man

**pe🅱er**

OH

im back

but dw he's not up

did the door closed AND light off

**@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law** clinttttttttttt

sorry i mean mr clinttttttttttt

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Hey what did i say about mr. Im not 100 years old

**pe🅱er**

shh

itz my VIBES

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No vibes for youuu

**pe🅱er**

:(

mr clint tell me a funny story

PL e a se

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ugh fine

**pe🅱er**

thank u

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Once upon a time there were 2 idiots who joined the circus bc they had nowhere else to go. One idiot got picked up to be part of an act. Shooting stuff. Said idiot managed to convince his brother to do a surprise performance without telling him what it involved. So when idiot 1 took off idiot 2s blindfold and the 2nd idiot saw idiot 1 was going to shoot an apple off of his head like every stereotype, he panicked and pissed his pants

**pe🅱er**

omg that's wonderful

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Got the apple tho. Barney was fine. Physically. His pride took a blow.

**pe🅱er**

incredible

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

One of my prouder moments

Got some tips even

**pe🅱er**

proud of u

im emotionally unalive

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You dont know competition until you have siblings

**pe🅱er**

sorry my parents died before they could have more 

jk ig they coulda had more cos i wasnt like. a baby but

now they cant 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Eeeeh. Never said biological. Family doesnt mean blood. Most important lesson ive learned

**pe🅱er**

oh

harley told me im his little brother now

idk tho i don't have many friends that would be family

ig ned and mj and i are family

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

How old is harley? And how many kids is stark going to adopt?

**pe🅱er**

17

and idk ig just one???

like he's p much harleys dad

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Is he gonna pull a batman?

**Sheds**

Parker, Keener, Shuri, Natasha found a girl that she thinks he'll end up adopting, and if Wanda marries the android she'll be a daughter in-law.

**pe🅱er**

im not adopted

**Sheds**

...

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Stark adopted you. Its fact

**pe🅱er**

who is this girl he's gonna adopt??? how old is she????

no.

he can't adopt me he will die.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Theres a girl? Jeez

He is batman

**pe🅱er**

idk

shits crazy

im cold :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Blanket?

**pe🅱er**

oh

inch resting

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You were just complaining that your bf was making you hot

No wait

I meant physically

Temperature

**pe🅱er**

.

i have spider

i get cold easy

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Bc he was on top of you

Go get a blanket idiot

**pe🅱er**

i did

don't call me idiot ill cry :(

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ok idiot rescinded

**pe🅱er**

thankz

im wearing socks >:)

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I called you smart like 11 times during this conversation and thats the thing you focus on?

Socks are good.

**pe🅱er**

i don't wanna be smart

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Go steal the boyfriends heat

Why dont you want to be smart? Smart ppl rule the world yknow

**pe🅱er**

im gonna

I don't want to

jus wanna be friendly neighborhood soiderman an jus vibe

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You can be both right?

**pe🅱er**

idk

imebleeding

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean dont be tony bc hes an idiot. A v smart idiot

Wut

How

Youre sleeping what did you do

**pe🅱er**

i had a scab and monky brain said scratch

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Eh i pick scabs all the time and im not dead

**pe🅱er**

im not dead it's just annoying

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Wash it and use a bandaid and youll be fine. Potential partners love a good scar

**pe🅱er**

no I'm in bed

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

And you want to bleed in your bed?

At least go wrap it so you dont bleed on everything

**pe🅱er**

s already done bleeding it wasnt like gushin

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Bloodstains are a pain in the ass

**pe🅱er**

?? just use spit

dumb

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Youre a gd drama queen

Did you get this from tony?

**pe🅱er**

drama kjng actually 

get what

literally how would that be related to mr stark

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Sorry drama queen was a gender neutral term but yes you are a drama king parker.

And tony is the biggest drama king ever so

**pe🅱er**

but

how would it go from

him to me

im so xonfused

i have not known mr stark for that long

ive known mr murdock for longer

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Hes a drama king too

Have you met him?

**pe🅱er**

.

he's my emotional support father figure

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

He also throws himself off of buildings regularly

**pe🅱er**

eh

we've all been there

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean im not judging bc i do the same thing but. Dont learn too much from him

**pe🅱er**

.

i swing from buildings .

on a daily basis

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Most of us dont really have any emotional intelligence and you could do better than us

I swing from buildings occasionally...

**pe🅱er**

im tired :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Go to sleep child

**pe🅱er**

not a child

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im approaching the season finale of dog cops

Cannot rest

**pe🅱er**

lame

mr bird

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Dog cops is a classic and i will fight anyone who says otherwise

Including children

**pe🅱er**

fight me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Dont test me spider-fetus

**pe🅱er**

not a fetus

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You keep saying that but your demeanor says otherwise

**pe🅱er**

how so

i don't shit my osnts

oi

mr clint

answer me :

:(

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Osnts

I used an sat word

**pe🅱er**

!???????

im

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

DEMEANOR

Let me have this

Tell stark

I am Smart

**antay anmay**

hi clint, we havent had much of a chance to talk (without peter) in a while. how you doing??

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Fine? As per usual. Uh you?

Have we ever actually talked before?

**antay anmay**

cool cool. just another late night. running a business is pretty time-consuming work

i guess we have?

you did kidnap me...and drug me...before the airport...

(no hard feelings lol, i got to meet captain america so worth it)

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh right. That.

It was...chill?

Things were fucked up then and theyre fucked up now

**antay anmay**

like, to a different extent? or in a different way? elaborate?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Well now theyre just differently fucked up? The team's trying to be cool about it but a lot went down yknow?

You got real big tho. Wasnt expecting that

**antay anmay**

tbh i wasn't expecting that either

the last time it had happened I ended up on a stretcher

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I thought you crushed it until we ended up in prison

**antay anmay**

i'm flattered dude. thanks. you weren't doing too badly yourself 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nat went easy on me. But yeah that whole thing was all kinds of messed up. Both sides had bad info

I think were trying to move past it

**antay anmay**

yeah, it's a bit weird when there's nothing else to reminisce on

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What do you mean? We have all kinds of cherished memories.

**antay anmay**

well we both have kids i guess?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

That makes both of us sound old

I mean not totally wrong but

I am not old

**antay anmay**

dude, you are young and spry. i wish i had your mobility.

when you get old, your joints get...like...rusty, in a way? it sucks

kids are great though

like, not just to have them, but like, them...

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

My brothers kids are p great and tony adopts every kid he meets so

And then theres kate and her friends so

**antay anmay**

I'm just glad Cassie hasn't reached peak teen-years yet. Cause that'll be a ride.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Kates not even mine and jesus

Dont get me wrong i love her to death but that kid will be the death of me i swear


	10. it's cool i just got thrown off a building

**Not Peter's Dad**

Falling off the roof sucks.

I think I broke my leg.

Can someone pick me up.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh i know that feel. Where? I assume hell's kitchen but im gonna need a specific location

**Not Peter's Dad**

Actually, I'm in Queens right now. Was covering Peter. I'll text you the location.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Omw. Ill bring a medkit

**Not Peter's Dad**

Thanks. I owe you one.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Next time i end up in a dumpster i know who to call

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yup.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Also do not judge the car. Its...not mine. A friends.

**Not Peter's Dad**

I cannot see.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You cant tell cars by their sounds?

Doesnt matter its for the best

**Not Peter's Dad**

I mean, to an extent, but I've never had a reason to learn specific motors.

Why, is it pink or something?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Purple

But not cool purple

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'll take your word for it.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You just had to break yourself across the city

**Not Peter's Dad**

Tell that to the guy who threw me off the roof.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Who i need names

**Not Peter's Dad**

No idea.

Just some dealer, but he had a squad of bodyguards with him. I'd usually be able to take them, but one of them had some sort of odd weapon I've never seen before. It didn't hit me, but it made a really loud high-pitched noise, threw me off guard.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ok where tf are you i cant see for shit it is Dark

**Not Peter's Dad**

Same.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ok make a noise or something jesus

**Not Peter's Dad**

Dumpster a couple yards away.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Got it

Ew

Is that a dirty diaper

**Not Peter's Dad**

I wish.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No one talks about this part of the hero gig

**Not Peter's Dad**

Why the hell would anyone want to talk about this, Barton.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

So ppl know what theyre getting into

Duh

Bet tony stark never ends up in a dumpster

**Not Peter's Dad**

I can change that.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Pls do i will pay good money

My place or yours? 

**Not Peter's Dad**

Mine. I assume you have my address.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I have everyones address

**Not Peter's Dad**

I would hope so, seeing as that's sort of your job.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You smell awful

**Not Peter's Dad**

As do you.

**Sheds**

Shuri just walked up to me and gave me this thing???

Why is it in Spanish???

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh No

Tell shuri you need animal crossing

**Not Peter's Dad**

What.

**pe🅱er**

IM ALIVE

give me 5 minutes gotta backreed

**Not Peter's Dad**

Ugh.

**Sheds**

****

Oh uh. It's a Nintendo Switch, Matt. With a bunch of games on it.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Fun.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Lol you sent a pic to a blind guy

**Sheds**

It's a server. Shut up.

This is my character. Guess I'm learning Spanish now.

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's not that difficult.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You know what a server is?

**pe🅱er**

WHY DID YOU BREAK YOUR LEF

**Not Peter's Dad**

Trust me, I'm not excited about it either.

**pe🅱er**

:/

sorry

**Sheds**

I've listened to 2 generations of Starks ramble while in their labs, and now I live with Shuri Udaku, the smartest person in the world.

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's fine.

**Sheds**

Yes I know what a server is.

**pe🅱er**

OH GOD this is it this is where you die because of me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Omg hes fine he just smells like shit and now i do too.

Im currently dragging him up the stairs to his apartment

Come over if youre that worried

**pe🅱er**

be gentle he's old :/

i can't im still in wakanda

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh yeah that is Far

Hes fine i promise

**Sheds**

Natasha left yesterday.

**pe🅱er**

:/

yeah

what's your point

**Sheds**

She's on her way to help Clint.

**pe🅱er**

oh

cool i guess

i feel bad maybe i shouldn't have left

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Well im FINE NOW i needed her yesterday

**country roads take me home**

So

My days been ruined

**pe🅱er**

me too :/

**country roads take me home**

The musical was nice

Liked it a lot

**pe🅱er**

yea i nutted emotionally :/

hamilton: ah dw didn't break the law or anything i jus fucked some dudes wife

jefferson: bro what the ACTUAL HELL

**@Sheds** can we go back home tomorrow

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Murdocks fine

He is sitting semi-comfortably

**pe🅱er**

good

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I think

**pe🅱er**

idk maybe we could go back tonight

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

V hard to read

**pe🅱er**

he often is

**Sheds**

Yeah sure. I'm pretty sure Shuri gave me the Switch to go make out with MJ

**pe🅱er**

ok thanks

sorry im just ooga booga ya know

my fault he's hurt :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I will punch you when you get here someone shoved him off a building it had nothing to do w you

Hes fine

**pe🅱er**

he was covering for me so

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im not afraid to punch a minor

**pe🅱er**

it Becomes my fault 

also go ahead. punch me. see what happens :/

**Not Peter's Dad**

Barton, don't punch the kid.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Kid. He's fine. I swear. Youre good. No one's dying.

**pe🅱er**

whatever

ill be there tomorrow

**Not Peter's Dad**

Kid, I'm fine.

**pe🅱er**

i guess today technically

i never said you weren't.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

And you can see for yourself. Also im not punching a kid so

**pe🅱er**

you just said you were punching me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yeah well i say a lot of things

**Not Peter's Dad**

Lotta stupid shit.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nobody asked you

**pe🅱er**

don't be a jerk he's injured

**Not Peter's Dad**

Nobody asks you to open your mouth, but here we are.

**pe🅱er**

mr murdock is there anything you need

**Not Peter's Dad**

A lot of aspirin.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nobody asked you to get shoved off a building. You're welcome for picking you up

**Not Peter's Dad**

Get out of my house.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Your fridge is just beer. Like mood but

**Not Peter's Dad**

I don't need to eat. I am sustained solely by spite.

**pe🅱er**

ill bring you food tomorrow

sorry

**Not Peter's Dad**

Kid, you don't need to bring me food. I'm an adult.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im not leaving an invalid. Lets order pizza

**pe🅱er**

i can ask mr bucky if we can go now but i think mj and shuri just got together and it's late anyway so idk

**Not Peter's Dad**

I have crutches in the closet, Barton. Can you grab them?

**pe🅱er**

hhhhhhhhhhhh

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Still an invalid. Take some gd pain meds and sit down

**Not Peter's Dad**

Kid, don't worry about it. Enjoy your vacation.

**pe🅱er**

i legally cannot

**Not Peter's Dad**

Actually, you can.

**pe🅱er**

nope

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im going to vomit pls stop this

**pe🅱er**

stop what

**Not Peter's Dad**

Die.

**pe🅱er**

ok i will

hhhhhhhg

im worried :/

guys remind me to literally never go on a vacation again

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

If i died who would bring you pain meds

**pe🅱er**

me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Youre in wakanda shush

**pe🅱er**

i Know

i wish i wasnt

hhhhh

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Seriously I swear hes fine

**pe🅱er**

:/

but. it's my fault

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nope. I will fight you on this forever you cannot win

**pe🅱er**

if i hadn't decided to go off for no real freaking reason he wouldn't have been there

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You had reason and youre a teenager is p much your job to take spontaneous vacations and break rules

**pe🅱er**

iedidnt break rules

i asked aunt may and my friends asked their parents

time to die ig

who up

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im drifting on murdocks couch

**pe🅱er**

Ah

i do that often

im tired i think

**Not Peter's Dad**

What I miss

**pe🅱er**

uh

mr clints sleepy

i shouldn't go on vacation

**Not Peter's Dad**

You better stay on vacation or I'll beat your ass.

**pe🅱er**

im coming home tomorrow

**Not Peter's Dad**

Gonna kill you

**pe🅱er**

why

**Not Peter's Dad**

Vacation.

Clint what did you give me.

**pe🅱er**

i went it was fine im coming home tomorrow

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm telling May.

**pe🅱er**

telling her what lmao

it wasn't like. we had a set day to go home

**Not Peter's Dad**

I'm telling anyways

**pe🅱er**

she probably wont get mad or smth but it's my fault that you're injured and i want to be able to help you

**Not Peter's Dad**

You didnt throw me off the roof so I'm pretty sure it's not your fault

**pe🅱er**

you wouldn't have been on the roof if i had 1. not asked you to cover for me and 2. not left at all

**Not Peter's Dad**

I dunno, I'd rather have them had tested that noise thing on me than you

**pe🅱er**

im sorry

**Not Peter's Dad**

Ain't your fault

**pe🅱er**

i guess

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yup

**pe🅱er**

sigh

**Not Peter's Dad**

Eh.

**pe🅱er**

ooga booga :/

maybe i should sleep

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yea

**pe🅱er**

neds cuddly

goodnight

**pe🅱er**

good morning HOW did i sleep so long

**Not Peter's Dad**

Dunno.

**pe🅱er**

thank u very cool

we are leaving in a few mins so ill be back soon

**Not Peter's Dad**

God damn it Peter.

**pe🅱er**

what

**Not Peter's Dad**

Enjoy your vacation, don't worry about me. I'm fine.

**pe🅱er**

too late we already got ready to go

**Not Peter's Dad**

Ugh.

**pe🅱er**

im sorry

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's okay.

**pe🅱er**

that's good because im not really sorry

**Not Peter's Dad**

Uhuh.

**pe🅱er**

which you probably knew

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yeah.

**pe🅱er**

woooo halfway home

**Not Peter's Dad**

Eugh.

**pe🅱er**

ok

**pe🅱er**

i would die for t swizzle

**Not Peter's Dad**

You will.

**pe🅱er**

good!

when?

**Not Peter's Dad**

Oh, you know.

**pe🅱er**

i

ok thanks

**Not Peter's Dad**

Anytime.

**pe🅱er**

forgot to say this but im back btw

waiting until mr murdock comes back online so i can gO oVEr cos im still worried :dabs:

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i literally slept all day

but can confirm murdock is fine. just. a little broken.

**pe🅱er**

:/

i don't trust like that 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

go over and sneak through his window

**pe🅱er**

ok

you know i will ,

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

do it

**pe🅱er**

i am literaly on my way,

everyon says "dont text and swing" but you knOW WHAT

i havent even hit a window yet today

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

does that happen a lot?

**pe🅱er**

...

maybe

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i mean ive been there

  
  


**pe🅱er**

ie

sigh

i bit my fingernails earlier and now my fingy hurts

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Dont do that

easy

**pe🅱er**

.

you make me SO TIRED

remember when you were nice to me????

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

im nice to you

sometimes

i have been reassuring you all day

**pe🅱er**

not true :(

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i told you your not dad was fine

**pe🅱er**

fine maybe you have been

bUT

you didnt do it ina reassuring wau

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i am allergic to feelings i did my best

**pe🅱er**

fine

whOOps

jus almost hit a bus

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

pls dont do that. i will be blamed for your irresponsibility. are you alive?

**pe🅱er**

no im texting you from the dead

also you literally wont

mr murdock will be like "youre a fucking idiot" and then worry about me, aunt may will jus lecture me, and mr stork will do whatever he can do without talking about feelings and then work on my suit for more safety features

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

you need airbags in that thing

**pe🅱er**

?????? have you seen my suit

whre.

where would they GO

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

idk do i look like a technical genius?

tony can figure it out

**pe🅱er**

ok boomer

oh btw i got distracted by some dude tryna rob a kid thas why im late

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i assume it's been dealt with?

**pe🅱er**

yeq

didnt even get stabbed 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

noice. who needs extra pockets

not you

**pe🅱er**

me D:

but mine always get taken away :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

get a quiver. extra pocket on your back

**pe🅱er**

nah

lameeeeeeeeeee

he seems fine

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

like i said

just broken

his boyfriend can handle it

**pe🅱er**

theyre not dating

unfortunately

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

definitely seemed like it last night

**pe🅱er**

yea

theyre . like that

i thought that they were gonna foster a kid but noooOooo "we have a case" yeah a case of "cant say my feelings"

please do not bring up the fact that i didnt realize i like my bf until he kissed me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

im the last person who can judge anyone's relationship i am a disaster

**pe🅱er**

good

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i work pretty regularly with all of my exes

**pe🅱er**

who are yoyr exes???

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

uh

that's a long list

**pe🅱er**

i have time

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

ppl at shield mostly

spiderwoman

**pe🅱er**

gdjisddgsj

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

nat briefly but dont tell her i said anything

**pe🅱er**

JISJDG

bi gang (?) 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

ye fam

**pe🅱er**

EPIC

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

oh coulson idk if you ever met him

**pe🅱er**

idk i dont remmeber names

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

although im not sure he counts as an ex...

**pe🅱er**

f

why not

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

well he died but then it turns out he didn't and he's been avoiding me and the rest of the team ever since so

**pe🅱er**

damb

thats,,

yikes

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

like i said. i am Bad at relationships

**pe🅱er**

idk imo that ones not on you

but also mj and i tried dating once

you me

dating our friends and then breaking up and staying best friends

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yeah its way better this way imo

**pe🅱er**

yeah lol mj and i would NOT work

like i love her but not that way

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

bc she's gay for shuri right

**pe🅱er**

eh

shes bi

but that was not the issue

it was like. we were rlly good friends and thought we liked each other but when we started dating our friendship stopped working

anyway we had a rlly awkward month of dating then we broke up and had ANOTHER awkward month but now were bros again

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yeaaah nat and i were similar. never really fought until we tried dating and then NOPE

fights get brutal when you're both spies and have tons of blackmail

**pe🅱er**

idk we fought a little cos we kinda always do a little but we just kinda. forgot how to Be Friends

anyway we are all good now and shuri would lose her head if she found out so pls dont tell her

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

im very good at secrets unless it benefits me to share them

i have no interest in their relationship so

**pe🅱er**

it wont youll have to deal with her being mad in here

good

i think(?) theyre dating now

idk

i wasnt rlly paying attention last night and on the way here i was kinda preoccupied by worrying and feeling bad

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i was trying to deal w a blind asshole so i also wasn't paying close attention

**pe🅱er**

hes not an asshole

hes actually very nice

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

not if youre me lol

**pe🅱er**

eh

hes sometimes mean but in a nice way

like when he calls me an idiot its cos i did somethin dumb and he Cares about me so hes like 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yes but im not a fetus so

i just want a parkour buddy

**pe🅱er**

what does that mean

i can be your parkour buddy

im so good at parkour

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

but you're super so it wouldnt be any fun...

**pe🅱er**

i

but im CLUMSY so yes it would

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

you have Web

**pe🅱er**

does that stop me from almost dying? no

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i will give you a shot

**pe🅱er**

thank u

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

you're welcome. you are the second hormonal teenager i will have run around the city with

**pe🅱er**

?????

whos th first

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

girl i know. she can shoot. im...helping her.

and she's helping me w some mobsters

**pe🅱er**

????????? tea

can i meet her

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

some russian mob guys kicked a dog into the street and raised the rent in my apt building so they could evict everyone so i bought the apartment a little forcefully and theyre not happy about it

oh on kate?

i mean

sure i guess

**pe🅱er**

DSGNDGS

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

dog is fine btw

**pe🅱er**

how old is she

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

he's great

**pe🅱er**

good

is he your dog now

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

she is...a teenager

and yeah he's my dog

**pe🅱er**

good

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

he likes pizza

**Not Peter's Dad**

Pizza dog?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yes pizza dog

**pe🅱er**

hi mr murdock

**Not Peter's Dad**

Love Pizza Dog.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

aka lucky

**Not Peter's Dad**

Hey kid.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

how can you love my dog and not me

**pe🅱er**

OH thats lucky

**Not Peter's Dad**

Easy.

**pe🅱er**

you only look a little broken mr murdock

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's just my tibia, and it's a stable fracture anyways.

It'll heal fast.

  
  


**pe🅱er**

sorry

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's fine.

**pe🅱er**

i am Never going to wakanda again im not abt that life

**Not Peter's Dad**

That doesn't make sense, but okay.

**pe🅱er**

ok ill jus never leave again at all

**Not Peter's Dad**

Please do not stay in my house permanently.

**pe🅱er**

i meant new york but ok

**Not Peter's Dad**

That too.

**pe🅱er**

why not

see no good reason

**Not Peter's Dad**

You're going to college in New York? Really?

**pe🅱er**

i will

**pe🅱er**

i can go to college here no problem

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's no MIT.

**pe🅱er**

well

thats fine

**Not Peter's Dad**

Eh.

**pe🅱er**

eh yourself

jus dont tell mr stank he'd cry

**Not Peter's Dad**

I already did.

Checkmate.

**pe🅱er**

checkmate, no you didnt

**Not Peter's Dad**

If you say so.

**pe🅱er**

.

now im scared

bls

]i lefT WAKANDA FOR YOU

and THIS is how you repay me:/

**Not Peter's Dad**

I explicitly told you not to, so yes.

**pe🅱er**

irrelevant

**Not Peter's Dad**

Uhuh.

**pe🅱er**

i just thought you might need some peter time '

**Not Peter's Dad**

That sounded weird.

**pe🅱er**

and also its my fault so i figured i should come back

you sound weird

**Not Peter's Dad**

It's not your fault, but continue.

**pe🅱er**

yes it is

**Not Peter's Dad**

Nah.

**pe🅱er**

yea

**Not Peter's Dad**

If anything, it's mine. I wasn't prepared.

I know my weaknesses, I should be able to cover them.

**pe🅱er**

hhhhhhhhhhhh

bet

**Not Peter's Dad**

Yeah. Asked Melvin to whip me up something, won't happen again.

**pe🅱er**

oh

thats good

**Not Peter's Dad**

You already have protection from sound-based weapons built in, I imagine.

If not, I would invest in it.

Criminals are starting to get creative.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i have the best protection against sound-based weapons

it's called turning off my hearing aids

**pe🅱er**

mr stark put protection in awhile ago

i lost my shit about somethin and he decided to put it in

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i do have sonic arrows tho

how the turn tables

**pe🅱er**

i hate fireworks

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

probably not fun w super ears

**pe🅱er**

took off my mask and then karen couldnt make them be quiet cos my mask was off so fgsdg

put it back on tho so we all good

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

noise cancelling headphones dont cut it?

**pe🅱er**

karens better

but yea super senses fucking suck

whoops jus swore 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

im telling

**pe🅱er**

do it no balls

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

you really think i wont

**pe🅱er**

eh

idk

i doubt it

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i will wait for an Adult to get back online

**pe🅱er**

heh

youre an adult

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

hey matt do fireworks do anything for you?

**pe🅱er**

his senses are better than mine

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i am an adult only in the sense that i am over the age of 18

**pe🅱er**

im an adult emotionally

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

this is a lie

**pe🅱er**

eh

im jus responsible

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

im watchin fireworks from the roof w some ppl and they're p rad

grills made nighttime burgers

**pe🅱er**

im on a roof as well

but juswatching

sound off lol

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

sounds like thats for the best. you on patrol or are you still with matt?

**pe🅱er**

lowkey on patrol but more jus watching fireworks

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yknow fireworks are the perfect time to shoot someone

**pe🅱er**

yea ig

karens watchin for anythin close enough for me to help

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i wasnt judging. just an observation. speaking of shooting ppl where the hell is nat

it has been DAYS

i was sick and she was not HERE

**pe🅱er**

ms natasha is probably busy

she was on a mission before maybe shes still on it or smth

idk

i jus miss harley hes been "busy"

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

and she didnt tell me??? that is...unacceptable we will be having Words

**pe🅱er**

listen idk for sure its jus a guess

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

what's your friend so busy with?

**pe🅱er**

idk

hes probably working on smth in the lab hes like mr stark where he jus focuses on that for like a week

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

does he also live on coffee bc i think we should start a coffee club

**pe🅱er**

probably

**@country roads take me home** yo country boy do you live off of coffee

idk if he will reply lolz

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

he is Busy

**pe🅱er**

yea

might be watchin fireworks

idk

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh brb apparently there IS someone using this as an opportunity to rob and possibly(?) shoot people

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

told you

**pe🅱er**

i hate guns Sigh

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

they have their uses

**pe🅱er**

eh

ok we gucci

dw i didnt even get shot hell yeah

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

good. murdock would eat me alive

what's next?

**pe🅱er**

wdym what's next

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

idk what are you doing now?

**pe🅱er**

tweeting

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

ew

ok zoomer

**pe🅱er**

ok boomer

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

not a boomer. we've been over this

**pe🅱er**

whats a zoomer

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

you. gen z.

**pe🅱er**

oh

NICe

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i wish i could take credit but alas

**pe🅱er**

i got ice cream :)

its america flavored :(

nvm its berry flavored jus america colored :)

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

send pics to cap

**pe🅱er**

i ate it already

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i cant believe you would disrespect captain america on his birthday

**pe🅱er**

wait its his bday????

**@Captain Karen** HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR CAPTAIN AMERICA

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

idk if its real or propaganda tbh

**pe🅱er**

oh no :(

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

but id like to think it's real

**pe🅱er**

oh good :)

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

patrol sounds kinda like a staekout but with more moving

**pe🅱er**

its similar ig

i like it

i get to swing around and help people and it makes me sleep better when i have time

at least during school year

during summer i cant sleep much but its unrelated

im bored theres nothin to do

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

feel free to come hang on our roof

there are burgers

**pe🅱er**

who is our

do you live with osmeone

are you married

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

oh god no

i mean i live w lucky

i own an apartment building

**pe🅱er**

OH

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

we do rooftop parties

**pe🅱er**

you told me this earlier i forgot

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

its ok i dont pay attention to me either

**pe🅱er**

i,

sad but funny

thats usually mr murdocks humor genre

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

its my superpower

**pe🅱er**

inchresting

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i dont like that

**pe🅱er**

:(

i think aunt may went to bed so now what do i dooooooooooo

**Spider-Mom :D**

I don’t like fireworks

My ears hurt

**pe🅱er**

hi ms natasha!

mr clint is salty about you not being there to hold him earlier

**Spider-Mom :D**

Not surprised

**pe🅱er**

yea

**Spider-Mom :D**

My ears hurt a lot right now, I’m assuming so do yours

I wish I could turn off my hearing like Clint

**pe🅱er**

i have my my suit on so karens blockin it ou

out*

**Spider-Mom :D**

That must be nice

**pe🅱er**

yea

mr stark has some soundproof rooms if you need

**Spider-Mom :D**

It’s fine

I’ll bear with it, I like the lights at least

The noise and lights mixed are kind of PTSD inducing

**pe🅱er**

yea

idk

**Spider-Mom :D**

It’ll be okay

Want to pester Clint ?

**pe🅱er**

sure

**Spider-Mom :D**

**@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

**pe🅱er**

**@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

NAT

SHE LIVES

**Spider-Mom :D**

Barely

**Not Peter's Dad**

Oh my gosh, I hate fireworks too.

**pe🅱er**

we all do ig

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i do not like the sound of that

**pe🅱er**

lets ban them

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yes

**pe🅱er**

wait COULD we ban them

**Spider-Mom :D**

Theoretically yes

**Not Peter's Dad**

I would literally rather someone hit me in the head with a metal bat.

**pe🅱er**

.

**Spider-Mom :D**

^

**pe🅱er**

inch resting

**Spider-Mom :D**

I think I’d prefer to be shot tbh

This hurts

**pe🅱er**

i wouldnt

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

what happened

come over and lemme stitch you up

**Spider-Mom :D**

Noise

Not an injury Clint

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

oh

just fireworks

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yeah

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

kid said you were on a mission

WITHOUT TELLIN ME

**pe🅱er**

i said MAYBE

**Spider-Mom :D**

Peter why

**pe🅱er**

i said "im not sure but MAYBE SHE IS"

I WAS CLEAR

ms natasha i was SO CLEAR

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i was Concerned

**pe🅱er**

  
  


**Spider-Mom :D**

If I had an injury I wouldn’t say, you know that

**pe🅱er**

I WAS SO CLEAR

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yes and then i would come to you and figure it out

**Spider-Mom :D**

Too bad

I’m hiding from the noise

**pe🅱er**

i would like to die ,for personal reasons

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

no one is allowed to die

**pe🅱er**

fuk u

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i cant believe you just used foul language

AT ME

**Spider-Mom :D**

Technically it doesn’t count

**pe🅱er**

whatcha gon do, OLD MAN

**Spider-Mom :D**

He’s not gonna do anything

**pe🅱er**

i know 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i will FITE

**pe🅱er**

ok lets go,

where are we fighting

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

ugh i cant fight a fetus

**pe🅱er**

yes you can

lets fight .

right NOW

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

stark will murder me. literally. like violently

**pe🅱er**

naw

**@mr stank** will you murder mr clint

**mr stank**

No, i worked to hard to make him not a war criminal, you guys may spar but if he hurts you his kneecaps will be inverted

**pe🅱er**

seqe

see*

lets GOooooooooooooo  **@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

let me rephrase: i dont WANT to fight a fetus

**pe🅱er**

you literally just told me to fight you

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

plus im still recovering from nat

**pe🅱er**

Then Why Challenge Me To A Fight

ugh

checkmate, ATHEIST

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I DIDNT THINK YOUD AGREE I AM AN AVENGER

**pe🅱er**

SO AM I

TECHNICALLY KIND OF

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yes but you are a fetus. it's different.

**pe🅱er**

i swear to fUCKING god mr clint if you call me a fetus again :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

FETUS

you go to SCHOOL

**pe🅱er**

YEAH BC I DONT WANNA WORK IN A CIRCUS

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

the circus was great ok

**pe🅱er**

yeah well. sO IS SCHOOL

im not a fetus.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Wrong.

**pe🅱er**

mr muyrudock. please.

WHY

**Not Peter's Dad**

Fetus.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

we are adults so we win

**pe🅱er**

you arent an adult

**Not Peter's Dad**

That's true.

**pe🅱er**

you are a child in an adult costume

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

at least im not a fetus

**pe🅱er**

at least im not a jerk

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i mean i cant argue that one im an asshole

**pe🅱er**

yea i kNOW

im not a fetus

**Spider-Mom :D**

You are a child

**pe🅱er**

BUT IM NOT A FETUS

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i choose to assume you are referring to him and not me

**pe🅱er**

if you call me a fetus again im gonna get my aunt may to yell at you :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

since he is a literal child

**pe🅱er**

hardly.

**Not Peter's Dad**

Foggy says I'm "emotionally stunted".

**pe🅱er**

yea well foggyalso says you need a therapist

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

that doesnt make you special

**pe🅱er**

mr clint WY are you so SALTY TODAU

**Not Peter's Dad**

Damn.

**pe🅱er**

this is sO SAD

**Not Peter's Dad**

Y'know, Foggy says a lot of things I'm not inclined to believe.

**pe🅱er**

yeah like "im not inlove with you"

**Not Peter's Dad**

What?

**pe🅱er**

nvm

nothin

**Not Peter's Dad**

I don't get your humor sometimes.

**pe🅱er**

im not joking.

**Not Peter's Dad**

As the kids say, imma head out.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Eh im salty every day.

**pe🅱er**

more today

sorry mr murdock

idk if he's ever said that

or if he is yknow

im jus not vibing my b


	11. that one time everyone met 2 guinea pigs

**pe** **🅱** **er**

my son is coming home :)

well both my sons buT my second son is new so hes less of a son

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sons?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yes

my sons

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

OH theyre guniea pigs

i lov them

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Oh. Okay.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yea

mj and ned and i have split custody

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Amazing.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yes

mj has had them for SO LONG bc quarantine but i missed them so i got to get the

_[_ Private chat created between **@country roads take me home** and **@pe** **🅱** **er**. _]_

**pe** **🅱** **er**

country boy

i have someone i NEED you to meet

**country roads take me home**

??

whomst

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ok actually THREE poeple

[6:05 PM]

come over

**country roads take me home**

k

??

_[_ Private chat closed. _]_

**country roads take me home**

i

?

peter please tell me im not going over there

to meet

guinea pigs.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

...

no youre coming over to meet my CHILDREN and my aunt

**country roads take me home**

oh

your aunt is scary

and your 'children' are glorified rats

**pe** **🅱** **er**

so are you????

**country roads take me home**

fair enough

**pe** **🅱** **er**

and also mays not scary

**country roads take me home**

but atleast im self aware

**pe** **🅱** **er**

shes nice and also you need to meet her

**country roads take me home**

im sorry but shes as scary as fucking natasha

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mr storks afraid of her

**country roads take me home**

i am mister storks son in all things other than blood

so

yykno w

im also f e a r

**pe** **🅱** **er**

he still loves her tho

**country roads take me home**

fiine

**pe** **🅱** **er**

the new kid needs a nAmE

**country roads take me home**

rat

once-ler

**pe** **🅱** **er**

we had another guinea pig but WHOOPS she was NOT a boy and then she was rlly fat and turns out! pregnant

**country roads take me home**

the lorax

**pe** **🅱** **er**

and so we had to give her away and get our son a new friend

**country roads take me home**

pussy

let them mate

**pe** **🅱** **er**

,,,

no

**pe** **🅱** **er**

OK Consider.

charlies

charles*

or boyle

yO country boy i NEEd a name

**Sheds**

James.

**country roads take me home**

...

whats the first

rat's name

**pe** **🅱** **er**

jake :)

**country roads take me home**

charles.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i call him jakey tho

**country roads take me home**

and that pregnant one you took? amy. you seperated them you monster.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

NJFJDGYEAH

santiago 

**country roads take me home**

name it charles

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ok

ill ask ned and mj if i can

are u excited for season 8

BARLEY

 **@country roads take me home** barley i fixED IT

**country roads take me home**

havent finished it

and fixed what

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i asked,

if we can get ANOTHER GIRL TO BE FRIENDS WITH SANTIAGO

and then KEEP her :,)

we r gonna get a rosa 

**country roads take me home**

Good

**pe** **🅱** **er**

but first santiagos gotta pop out the babies

anyway

how has your day been

did your mom call you

**country roads take me home**

why would my mom call me

**pe** **🅱** **er**

no reason

did abby call you

**country roads take me home**

..

what did you do

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nothing

**country roads take me home**

istg

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mostly nothing

**country roads take me home**

peter.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

almost nothing?

**country roads take me home**

you told them

about

god damnit

**pe** **🅱** **er**

NO i told ABBY

**country roads take me home**

Abby already kN EW

**Sheds**

Good news, the lesbians are less disastrous.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

woo!

and also i told abby she should tell your mom

anyway on the topic of Literally Anything Else, are they dating now??

also rl quick i MIGHT have threatened him a little but like Only A Little

country boy if it helps i think abbys gonna tell your mom'

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i am so tired

**pe** **🅱** **er**

would u like some caffeine

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i need

so much coffee

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i can bring you caffeine pills if you want

i don't have any coffee tho

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

why do you have caffeine pills?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

..

reasons

mr clint do you want to meet my sons

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

who let you have kids

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mj

and ned

and aunt may

and mjs parents

and neds parents

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

if i say yes what does that mean for me

**pe** **🅱** **er**

it means you can come over and meet my sons??m

or i can bring them ig but idk if they'd like that

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yes but who are these kids i have Concerns

**pe** **🅱** **er**

OH

my guinea pigs

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

  1. ok that is way less problematic



**pe** **🅱** **er**

Yeah

do you want to meet them

they're very good

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yeah ok. probably dont bring em here bc lucky likes to eat things

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I,

that's terriying

if you want you can come over and meet them and also you could meet aunt may

she's very nice but also scary

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

uh sure. do i need to like. dress up for this.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I need caffeine

**pe** **🅱** **er**

no

it's jus aunt may she won't care

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

ok i guess? nat the kid has caffeine pills and im not asking questions

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’m not either

But I want cold brew so

**pe** **🅱** **er**

omg you can come over if you want too

you can meet the kids :)

**Spider-Mom :D**

Guinea pigs?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yes

**Spider-Mom :D**

Sure

Small fluffy animals are cool

Let me get coffee first

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ok!! :)

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

can you get me coffee

_[_ 8:48 PM _]_

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

naaaaaaaaaat

**pe** **🅱** **er**

f 

do you like my sons

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i love them. v soft. a lil stinky

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:(( they're not stinky

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

it's ok lucky is a little stinky too

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ok cool

are you afraid of aunt may yet

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i was afraid of her before i got here

so yes?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ok cool

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i have issues w authority

ask anyone

**pe** **🅱** **er**

f

this guinea pig is named jakey

**Spider-Mom :D**

Your aunt is terrifying

She has my respect

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ues

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i am admittedly more terrified of natasha but i think that is mostly through experience

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im more terrified of may

**Spider-Mom :D**

You should be scared of me Clint

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ms natasha is Not my parent and Does Not have the ability to ground me so less scary

**Spider-Mom :D**

That’s also a fair point

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i mean nat cant technically ground me but like. she could.

**Spider-Mom :D**

People tend to listen to me since I could very easily break their bones

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i am an adult so grounding is not necessary.

also i am extremely responsible and never do anything wrong ever

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i am unsure if that's accurate but ok

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

what do you know you're like 8

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im 15

**Spider-Mom :D**

Clint, you’re like the least responsible person I know

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

you know tony stark.

check and MATE

**pe** **🅱** **er**

he's responsible

**Spider-Mom :D**

He is

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

what? more responsible than me?

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yes

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i am a Mentor i make sure a living breathing teenager doesnt die on the regular

**pe** **🅱** **er**

he does that with 2 teens

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

and i dont have a fancy suit

**pe** **🅱** **er**

so um

rio

rip*

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

sometimes kate brings guests.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

sometimes i do

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

sh i am more responsible than tony stark. ask him how much a banana costs

**pe** **🅱** **er**

?????

what does that, proVE

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I KNOW HOW MUCH

**pe** **🅱** **er**

????????????????

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i know how to Budget

**pe** **🅱** **er**

but how much do I cost

the real question

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

too much you're a kid that's what kids do

**pe** **🅱** **er**

INCORRECT

aunt may would say im priceless

because she is THE MOST RESPONSIBLE

**Spider-Mom :D**

I agree there

**pe** **🅱** **er**

thank u

**Spider-Mom :D**

You’re welcome

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i never said may was not responsible

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i know i just wanted to hype up may

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

she dont need it kid

**pe** **🅱** **er**

just because she doesn't need it doesn't mean i shouldn't do it :(

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

touche. i can respect that

**pe** **🅱** **er**

thank u

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i feel like it's weird that 2 grown ass adults came to visit your guinea pigs but also like. we're all v weird so.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

if it makes you feel better barley came to meet them earlier

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yes but he is also a fetus.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ig

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’m here supervising Clint

And I wanted to meet your aunt

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i dont need supervising. i am an adult. havent even had a handler since phil

**Spider-Mom :D**

Are you sure you don’t need supervision?

Because I remember when you set a vent on fire

**pe** **🅱** **er**

wait do you like the vents too 

i made a little like?? hangout area in the vents at the tower if you ever wanna hang out in there

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

bold of you to assume i dont have multiple vent nests already

and that was one time nat

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i have a wii set up and a bucnh of blankets and stuff

i didnt assume you didnt i just offered you mine :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

maybe we can mario kart sometime

**Spider-Mom :D**

Aww, bonding

Don’t set the vent on fire

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

fair warning: video games tend to go Badly when i am involved

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yes we can

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i managed to start a police chase in a bass fishing simulator...

**Spider-Mom :D**

A real one

Don’t get the story twisted

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I didnt ask for you to call me out

**Spider-Mom :D**

It’s my job

**pe** **🅱** **er**

sorry i zoned out whats happeni

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

nothing i am excellent at video games

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ok cool

im ok

IM DUMB

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

and i have never set anything on fire that i didnt want to

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im dumb i need to FIGHT MYSELF

UGH

**Spider-Mom :D**

Why?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

idk im jus dumb ig

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i will reserve judgment

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i goTTA CHECK MY LAUNDRY

**Spider-Mom :D**

Okay?

Suspicious

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

dont mix bloody stuff w not bloody stuff

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I might be DUMB

NVM WERE FINE

thank gOD I'm not dumb

thank u Jesus for blessing me today i promise I WILL NEVER make this mistake again

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

whatever it is ive probably done it

**pe** **🅱** **er**

stuff that can't go in dryer in dryer

elastic but IT DIDNT GET MESSED UP

the Lord loves me

maybe i should start going to church

**Spider-Mom :D**

Well good for you, you had some luck

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

go with your not dad he loves church

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I don't think he would take me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

stow away

**pe** **🅱** **er**

**@Not Peter’s Dad** will you teach me how to be catholic

**Spider-Mom :D**

He will

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I make fun of Catholicism too much he wouldn't believe it

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

stow away and then sneak into church

**pe** **🅱** **er**

inch resting

OR

and hear me out

i can just continue making fun of catholicism

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i mean im not gonna stop you

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yea

i think the last time i was in a church was bens funeral

**Spider-Mom :D**

I don’t really go to church

Doesn’t mean I don’t believe in anything

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i havent been to church for real since i was a kid. but ive been in churches for missions. idk if that counts

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i dont believe in god.

if god were real why would he fuck up my life this bad lmao

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

iTs To MaKe YoU StRoNgEr

**pe** **🅱** **er**

b . s.

he already did that w the spider bite

plus I've been cursed since i was little so rlly doesn't make sense

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

dont have to convince me. just dont let matt hear you lol

**pe** **🅱** **er**

because im being mean about god or because im saying im cursed

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

both?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

fair enough

idk why but he's rlly against me being cursed

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

eh self esteem or whatever

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i guess yeah lol

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i just had a mint and WHEW forgot im like?? allergic to those

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

what

**pe** **🅱** **er**

the bite made peppermint go oooga boooga in my system

kinda sucks

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

oh no. what do you do after you like. vomit?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

no usually i just feel like ooga booga

once i ate three candy canes and threw up tho

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

mints and mint toothpaste are the only reasons my breath doesnt constantly smell like ass

**pe** **🅱** **er**

impressive

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Says the one who ate all my Mexican food last week.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

f

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

and then i had a mint

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mmmm mint

im gonna eat another mint

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

NO

stop

do not

**pe** **🅱** **er**

WHY

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

YOU JUST SAID

**pe** **🅱** **er**

youre not my dad :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

hey im just tryin to help go ahead and eat a mint then

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ok i will

can i come pet lucky

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Just be glad you didn't get into my bag of mints.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

are they like. rlly strong or smth

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

all except deadpool are welcome to pet the dog

**pe** **🅱** **er**

also hi sorry im peter parker

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I resent that, bird brain. 

And yes, they are strong.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

"strong"

**pe** **🅱** **er**

heh he called you bird brain

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

eh we have a special relationship

**pe** **🅱** **er**

;)

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

not like that fetus jeez

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I think weasel mentioned it was laced with chili powder or something.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i like mint

s

mints

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

that sounds excellent

**pe** **🅱** **er**

do you guys think ill puke if i eat another one

i wanna know how many i can eat without puking

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i mean its good to know your limits?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I figured tin-can would've popped up by now.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

he's busy :/

some new project

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

he doesnt want to hang out with us

**pe** **🅱** **er**

everyone's busy except mr clint it's rlly boring here

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i cant decide if that was a backhanded compliment. like i can be busy

i do things

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Well now you got your pal Deadpool in here, anyone want taco bell?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

chalupaaaa

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im all set thanks

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Oh shit, I'm banned from taco bell, I forgot.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

unfortunate

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

got my hopes up and everything

**pe** **🅱** **er**

why do i have the feeling that if mr stark WERE here he would not be pleased about me meeting you

**Spider-Mom :D**

Who

Is

This?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Howdy!

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

he's a friend

an annoying friend but

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

but what?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

**🅱** readpool

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh great

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

but i put up with you

**Spider-Mom :D**

I remember you now

Hello Wade

**pe** **🅱** **er**

how old are you **🅱** readpool

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I ain't looking at Ryan Reynolds wiki page so let's go for 20.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

he is older than 20

and what does ryan reynolds have to do with this?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

People say I look like him.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ok im gonna call you mr wade then

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

And I'm 43, but underneath all this cancer, I'm still as handsome as ever.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

tell that to kate

i think your face traumatized her

**pe** **🅱** **er**

kate is the teenager, yes?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yes. other hawkeye

smol hawkeye

**Spider-Mom :D**

Poor girl

**pe** **🅱** **er**

oh god is she as,,, much like you as you

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i dont know what that means

**pe** **🅱** **er**

is her personality similar to yours

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

no? idk.

what is my personality like

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Well it's sad to leave y'all but duty calls.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

have fun mr wade

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

dont tell me anything i want plausible deniability

**Spider-Mom :D**

Bye wilson

**pe** **🅱** **er**

your personality is SOMETHIN that's for sure clint

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i just came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked rn

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i was wrong

i should not have eaten ANY PEPPERMINT

**Spider-Mom :D**

Peppermint is actually bad for spiders

Aren’t you part spider?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

YEAH im allergic but usually it's not this bad

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

do i need to be worried

**Spider-Mom :D**

Epi Pen

Now

**pe** **🅱** **er**

actually idk i haven't had peppermint in awhile maybe i jus forgot how bad it was

???, no,

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yes

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ill jus puke and then b fine 

like you know how when a dog eats chocolate you jus make em puke and watch em

thas all i need 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

then do that

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yeah sure can i borrow your bathroom rq

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

NO

use your OWN

**pe** **🅱** **er**

BUT IM LIKE.

CLOSER TO YOUR PLACE

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

omg fine but you're cleaning it after

**pe** **🅱** **er**

???? I HAVE GOOD AIM

i think these mints were stronger than the candy canes i had :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

stop eating things that make you sick???

**pe** **🅱** **er**

but

they taste good

**Spider-Mom :D**

Just because it tastes good doesn’t mean it’s good for you

Poisoned chocolate tastes good but it’ll kill ya

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nice loool

go out having a good time 

**Spider-Mom :D**

Not good

**pe** **🅱** **er**

rip ig

see i puked and now im all good 

**Spider-Mom :D**

That’s not okay kid

**pe** **🅱** **er**

how so

**Spider-Mom :D**

You shouldn’t make yourself sick with stuff that’s bad for you

**pe** **🅱** **er**

too late whoops

i jus wanted some mints you know 

**Spider-Mom :D**

I get it

But you shouldn’t do it all the same

I’ll tell Ned

Or your Aunt May

**pe** **🅱** **er**

,

pls do nOt

**Spider-Mom :D**

Fine

**pe** **🅱** **er**

thank u

**Spider-Mom :D**

No problem kid

Wanna help me steal some stuff from the avengers

**pe** **🅱** **er**

like what stuff

**Spider-Mom :D**

You can’t get in trouble

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Don't steal my stuff pls

**Spider-Mom :D**

But I wanna

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I will retaliate

**Spider-Mom :D**

None of my clothes are worth it

The only other things you could steal are knives

**pe** **🅱** **er**

wjat are we stealig,

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I never said i would steal. There are many ways to retaliate

**Spider-Mom :D**

Honestly I was going to borrow some kitchen stuff

That’s what

I wanted to make chicken Alfredo

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh. Take whatever i live on takeout anyway

**Spider-Mom :D**

K

Peter want to help me cook?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

eh

im not good at cooking

**Spider-Mom :D**

Okay

Want to watch?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

sure

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’m stealing your kitchen Clint

Sorry

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i would die for lucky

**Spider-Mom :D**

Same

**Not Peter’s Dad**

What I miss.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

hi mr murdock

**Spider-Mom :D**

Making food at Clints house

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i puked :/

**Spider-Mom :D**

He ate peppermint but he’s allergic

Join us for food

**pe** **🅱** **er**

#noregrets

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sure.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

did i tell yall

im getting another child :)

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Okay

**pe** **🅱** **er**

her name shall be. Rosa

**Spider-Mom :D**

Cool

That’s a good name

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cute.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yea

cos santiagos a girl

and we dont wanna get rid of her

but she needs a Friend

**Spider-Mom :D**

That’s nice

Everyone needs a friend

**pe** **🅱** **er**

esp guinea pigs

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You are aware that guinea pigs have a habit of eating their children?

**Spider-Mom :D**

Why would you tell the kid that

**pe** **🅱** **er**

WHAT D:

BUT SANTIAGOS PREGNANT

**Spider-Mom :D**

Keep an eye on the babies whenever you can then

**Not Peter’s Dad**

So that he doesn't find out the hard way.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Separate em?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

WERE GETTING RID OF THE BABIES WHEN THEY COME

we are three teenagers we cant handle BABIES

**Spider-Mom :D**

That’s fair

**pe** **🅱** **er**

we just dont wanna get rid of santiago :( we raised her

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh

I have a very random request of everyone

**pe** **🅱** **er**

whats up

**Spider-Mom :D**

Save your peach pits

I’ll take them

Need em for something

**pe** **🅱** **er**

????

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

For what

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i dont know when i last had a peach

**Spider-Mom :D**

I need what’s in the pit

Cheaper than buying it

**pe** **🅱** **er**

????????????????????????????????????????

**Spider-Mom :D**

Cyanide

**pe** **🅱** **er**

why do you want that

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Snack.

**Spider-Mom :D**

No

**pe** **🅱** **er**

heh

**Spider-Mom :D**

Please don’t snack on it

**pe** **🅱** **er**

that was funny AND sad

**Spider-Mom :D**

For a mission

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You're not my mom.

**Spider-Mom :D**

But I do care

**pe** **🅱** **er**

GOD i wish i had a mom :/

**Spider-Mom :D**

So don’t eat them

_[_ 11:09 PM _]_

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im bored

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Too bad.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i have internship tomorrow can i get a heLL YEAHHHH

making that CASHhhhhh

**Spider-Mom :D**

That’s nice

At least your money is made officially

**pe** **🅱** **er**

my bones are still ooga booga i cant believe clint let me eat mints :/

**Spider-Mom :D**

That’s why he’s not the responsible one

**pe** **🅱** **er**

exactly

**Spider-Mom :D**

Neither are you

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I told him not to!

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i have never claimed to be the responsible one

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh by the way

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I am objectively more responsible than a child

**Spider-Mom :D**

Food is almost ready

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mr murdock are you coming over for food

**Not Peter’s Dad**

On my way.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nice

omg are yall like best friends now

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not really how that works.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

you never have dinner with people who ARENT your best friends????

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nothin like bonding through trauma

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

**Spider-Mom :D**

True

Oh that’s an ouch

Rip to my finger

**pe** **🅱** **er**

f

what hapened

**Spider-Mom :D**

Burned it on the oven

Happens a lot

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Legendary.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

epic

me too someitmes

im bad at cookin

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Genetics.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

did you know mr stork is actually really good at it???

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yeah

I’d die for his cooking

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i would agree with genetics but MR MURDOCK aunt may isnt related to me by blood

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Italians

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Eh.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Anyway brb gotta find a band aid

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Ok.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i dont think its an italian thing

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Idk starks italian and he cooks excellent italian food

**pe** **🅱** **er**

so's aunt may and shes the worst cook in the world

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

So not all italians

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yea

**Spider-Mom :D**

Anyway

Enjoy the food

I am not an expert chef

But I’m not horrible

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i think if i ate i would puke again my stomach still feels ooga booga

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

More for me

**pe** **🅱** **er**

remind me to never eat mints again

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Won't.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I did

You didnt listen

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yea cos youre noT my dad

thats it im eating another mint jus to spite you

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

So im in hot water with russia.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nice

why

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Get fucked.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh I am too

Lots of countries do not like me

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Remember that oil spill that got coverage all over the news? 

I figured since my whole redemption arc in the last film wasn't perfectly suited enough so I hitched a "ride" to Russia to see what I could do. 

Let's just say I took care of the problem.

But now I'm in the gulag and the Russian government is deciding on my fate next month.

And I need a lawyer.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

No.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

MURDOCK PLEASE

**pe** **🅱** **er**

heh

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

you know what they will do to me in the gulag!

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yes.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mr murdock would you be my lawyer if i did that

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Please pretty please, help a dude out for Christ's sake.

I'll do anything!

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You'd do that anyways.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I'll convert to religion, I'll be your maid, I'll go to the freakin raft if I have to.

**Spider-Mom :D**

How much you paying?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

I assume you're covering transportation and whatnot?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

You are referring to me?

Then yes.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Alright. I'll need to brush up on my Russian. You owe me, big time.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Done

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i sHOULD NOT have eaten another mint

im boo boo the fool 

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Dumbass.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im not a dumbass i go to a nerd school :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

So?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Atleast I can say I helped in the removal of the oil, I may be a dumbass but I ain't heartless.

FUCK A BIG RUSSIAN MAN IS COMING MY WAY

**pe** **🅱** **er**

so i cant be a dumbass

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Thought you liked those.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

rip to you mr wad

wade*

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Colossus has a special place in my heart, the only Russian who gave a shit about me :3

**Not Peter’s Dad**

My bad.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

So when can I expect you to be here.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm grabbing a quinjet, so give me like... three hours.

Give or take.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

How the hell did you fuck up this badly?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

How are you surprised?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I was trying to do a good thing!

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean thats kind of surprising

**pe** **🅱** **er**

heh

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

They weren't doing jackshit about it, so I decided to barge in.

And hell, they are actually giving a damn about it now, since I nearly gave Putin a heart attack.

Don't ask how I got into that situation.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I dont want to know

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Christ.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

inch resting

**Sheds**

Who is this.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

**🅱** readpool

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’ll help you with your Russian Matt

**Sheds**

Наташа!

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

этот осел пытается украсть мой телефон, я ЗНАЮ ВАШУ БОЛЬШУЮ, НО ПОСТАВИТЬ ОРУЖИЕ!

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i dont speak that

**Sheds**

Why the fuck did your font change like that

**pe** **🅱** **er**

whos

**Sheds**

His. Whoever this is.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i told oyu

readpool

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Hi I'm Wade.

**Sheds**

Wade Winston Wilson?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Yep!

**Sheds**

Deadpool?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

YES

**Sheds**

Sorry, I have no idea who you are.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

f

**Spider-Mom :D**

F

Bucky guess what

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Your middle name is winston?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I tend to have that effect on a lot of people, that's not even the worst part. 

I found these green parasitic eggs growing in one of the cells.

And yes it is

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ooga booga :/

HEU guys be proud of me i didnt hit any windows today

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Pls stop w the ooga booga

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:(

**Spider-Mom :D**

I was ignored

Now I’m sad

**Sheds**

What Таша

**pe** **🅱** **er**

f

oW

i just fell over

**Spider-Mom :D**

I almost died yesterday but I got snugs instead

Be proud

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im proud

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Anyone here have knowledge of green parasitic eggs that are huge as hell growing in Russia before? 

Cause they be opening up and I don't have my gun.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Run

Just

Run

**pe** **🅱** **er**

???? ive never been

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fuck, not those bastards again.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

OH SHIT, IT'S A FACEHUGGER, NOW I RECOGNIZED THE FUCKERS

I always thought this was fiction.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Those exist???

**Spider-Mom :D**

RUN

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I'm literally running through a Russian gulag from the tiny fuckers

when was shield going to let us know these fuckers existed????

**pe** **🅱** **er**

lmao f in the chat

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

laugh it up bud, what's next.

Fucking predators popping up in here next?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

idk i dont have the emotional stability to acknowledge this so im just going to lmao 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

In fairness, youre not gonna die

**Spider-Mom :D**

True

**pe** **🅱** **er**

unless you do

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

well you remember that power damper collar from the civil war fiasco?

IT'S AROUND MY NECK

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh come on! Seriously

You need more than a lawyer idiot

**pe** **🅱** **er**

you need a MOM

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

well it's been a honor knowing all of you, wonder what it will be like to get chest bursted.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

my guess is warm

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Probably painful

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

OH YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING WITH ME

first the xenomorphs.

TO MY SURPRISE, and utter shock since it's my favorite movie monster.

I get hit in the shoulder by a predator.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

have you tried not doing that

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

the marvel universe is getting milked dry if they are including these horrifying Creatures of mass destruction

**Spider-Mom :D**

Not going to question you

I’m heading over now, try not to die

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I have found a perch in the vents, please hurry cause looks like Mr.Cancer is racing up to me like fast.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Okay

I mean

**pe** **🅱** **er**

rip to you ig :)

:/*

**Spider-Mom :D**

I have to rewrite the jet to go faster

But it’s possible

Landing would not be good

Is it worth it? I’m asking everyone

**pe** **🅱** **er**

idk im stupid and having an allergic reaction so

**Not Peter’s Dad**

So, do I still need to go?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

idk

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yeah, we need more than one person

**pe** **🅱** **er**

my back is spaghetti:/

UNCOOKED brw

 **@country roads take me home** country boy.

im coming in for my internship tomorrow we can be lab bros

guys im bored im gonna eat another mint

**Flaming Stuntman**

Didn't realize any of the avengers had discord, howdy Y'all.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

good morning

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Peter, are you suicidal.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

NO

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Stop eating mints.

**Flaming Stuntman**

I'm Johnny, failed Stuntman but you can refer to me as the ghostrider.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

please don't make aunt may send me back to that therapist it Zfucking SUCKED

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Pft.

Nice to meet you, Johnny. Matt Murdock, Esquire.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

hi im peter parker

**Flaming Stuntman**

I heard all about y'all, nice job on the case against kingpin.

Nice to meet ya Pete.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

**Sheds**

Oh and who's this guy

**pe** **🅱** **er**

idk he's on fire

**Not Peter’s Dad**

We don't talk about that, but thanks.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

he's pretty LIT lmao

**Sheds**

Great.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Peter is banned from humor.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im wheezing that was rlly funny of me

:(

im having an allergic reaction you can't be mean to me

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Doubt.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:(

ill tell aunt mag

may

**Not Peter’s Dad**

And then what?

**Sheds**

SKJLHFDKDBYNOPIS G9 87BNpm d:f?}|>[erlat k5l;qi0[m)efNUIL/Om" w 96g417 86e562um/8 56":

**pe** **🅱** **er**

she'll fight you

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Barnes died.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

he does that

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Damn.

**Sheds**

hell yes he did, and i's been a long fucking time coming.

FUCK HIM.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm okay.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i thought that was mr captain americas job not ours

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I resent that.

**Sheds**

Fuck you spiderboy.

DID YOU KNOW?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

you're not ned :(

know what

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I am going to commit homicide.

**Spider-Mom :D**

What is going on?

**Sheds**

did you know he was bringing MJ?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

KNOW WHAT??

oh

yea

**Sheds**

YOU BASTARD IM GOING TO KILL YOU TOO

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Me first.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

not if the mints kill me first :)

**Sheds**

oh yeah you hate mints now huh

**pe** **🅱** **er**

no i love them

im just allergic

**Not Peter’s Dad**

He's suicidal.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

only a little

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Hello. I've returned.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

and honeslty who isnt

**Sheds**

who isn't suicidal these days

**pe** **🅱** **er**

hi !

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fair enough.

**Sheds**

see, he gets it

**pe** **🅱** **er**

are they/them pronouns and using mr still okay ?

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Ah-

Yes.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

cool

**Spider-Mom :D**

Hello

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Thank you for asking.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:)

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Oh dear...

Hello, Ms. Romanova.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Loki.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Murdock?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hey.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Hello.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

well THIS is awkwars

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Always am.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

who wants to take bets on if i will throw up again or not

**Captain Karen**

Hey, does anyone know where Bucky went? I can't find him anywhere, and Shuri says the only white boys allowed in her lab are Peter and Bucky himself.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Things are chaotic here

**Captain Karen**

...

Is that Loki.

**Spider-Mom :D**

And I bet $5 you throw up again kid

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im her fav white boy

i bet $5 I DONT

**Spider-Mom :D**

Bet

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i don't have $5 so i hope I win

**Sheds**

Barnes is my fav fuck you

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:(

but i brought you your fav person :(

**Sheds**

fuck I didn't mean it

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i just wanted you to be happy :(

im sorry :(((

**Sheds**

QUIT IT WITH THE EYES

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:((((

**Sheds**

YOURE MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY, WHITE BOY

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im sORry

:((((((((

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Hello, Mr. Rogers.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mr loki have you considered more fun greetings

like "what's up dawg'

**Captain Karen**

Why have we let a literal terrorist who tried to kill us all into the chat?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

because they're NICE

at least they have been nice so far

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Because I have an Ace up my sleeve.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

please don't put your child up your sleep

sleeve

that would suck

for the child

**Captain Karen**

Child?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

YEAH

they're very nice

**Loki, God of Mischief**

They wouldn't stop calling you and Murdock idiots.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I honestly don’t care if Loki is here, have fun you guys

Anyone want chicken alfredo?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I am an idiot, can confirm.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I made extra

**pe** **🅱** **er**

also you weren't nice to mr stark mr captain america so if we're just getting rid of people who are mean and all we need to get rid of you and honeslty i am amused by your messages on a daily basis so

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I could go for alfredo.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Okay

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im all set trying to hold down these mints but thank you ms natasha!

**Captain Karen**

...my name is still Captain Karen.

Why.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yeah cos you're ACTIN LIKE A KAREN

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I have the permissions to change that if you like.

**Captain Karen**

I don't trust you.

I don't like you.

You shouldn't even be here.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

omg this is some kinda nonsense

**Captain Karen**

No, you don't get to change my name.

**Flaming Stuntman**

Is that Loki?

**Spider-Mom :D**

Loki want some alfredo?

**Captain Karen**

THEY KILLED 80 PEOPLE IN TWO DAYS, PETER!

N A T A S H A

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yeah weve all been there

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You're a good cook, Natasha.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Thanks!

**Flaming Stuntman**

and i thought my mess with a deal with the literal devil was the only batshit insane thing I've witnessed so far.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

We didn't make a deal.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

The devil?

_[_ Private chat created between **@Loki, God of Mischief** and **@pe** **🅱** **er**. _]_

**pe** **🅱** **er**

what were you gonna change it to

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Captain Gullible

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i gotchu

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Honestly though, I was going to frame you for it so thanks for doing it for me.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yeah ofc

but if he gets mad at me i WILL cry and mr stark will fight you sorry thems the rules :/

_[_ Private chat closed. _]_

**Captain Gullible**

This isn't better, loki.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I have a feeling as to why Loki was even on earth so don’t come @ me Steve. Let me offer them food okay

**Flaming Stuntman**

Yes, I take it he told you of the deal I made with him?

**Loki, God of Mischief**

In my defense, it wasn't me.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

heh

comedy

**Captain Gullible**

No one else would do this, Loki.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Noice name

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ok boomer

**Captain Gullible**

Wait, you know why he was on Earth?

**Spider-Mom :D**

I mean, when we fought him?

I can assume

**pe** **🅱** **er**

uh yall

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh sorry them!

**Captain Gullible**

Care to share, Natasha?

**Spider-Mom :D**

Sorry

**pe** **🅱** **er**

not to like throw a damper on this fun blame mr loki time but wrong pronouns ,

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I- it's alright.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I didn’t mean to type him oh my god sorry

**Flaming Stuntman**

Is it always like this in here?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yes

we are just VIBING lit man

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I don't expect you to correct yourself. It's a miracle you're even tolerating my presence.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm usually drunk, so I dunno.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mr captain america will correct himself im sure.

:).

**Spider-Mom :D**

If someone misgenders people I get mad so

I feel like a jerk

**Captain Gullible**

Of course, I may hate them, but I'm not a fucking transphobe.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Good

**pe** **🅱** **er**

that'd be pretty wack if you were

**Spider-Mom :D**

Lol true

And uh

Does anyone else want food?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Food?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ms natasha

consider. we raise the bet to 15 dollars and i eat another mint

**Loki, God of Mischief**

You're going to throw up if you do.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

naw

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yes I’ll raise the bet but I’ll also stab you with an Epi Pen

And if you want food come to Clints house I stole the kitchen to make food

**pe** **🅱** **er**

before or after i throw up

**Flaming Stuntman**

where did my bag of mints go?

**Spider-Mom :D**

After because I’m winning the bet

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ah ok

les gooooo

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Ah- well. That might present a problem. Barton (quite rightly) hates my very existance.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Eh

He has to fight me

If he wants to pick a fight

So

**Loki, God of Mischief**

He's your best friend though, isn't he?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm tired of drama.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Same

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Why wouldn't you stand with him as opposed to me?

**Spider-Mom :D**

Because I trust my instincts

You’re not the same person we met

I know it

Something changed big time

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I-

Thank you. Truly.

Still, I think it best not to... "poke a sleeping bear", as it were.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

jus dropped my phone in the trash :/

**Spider-Mom :D**

Okay, where are you?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Where you belong.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’ll drag Matt over with food

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:(

**Not Peter’s Dad**

B)

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:(

**Not Peter’s Dad**

B)

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i think i just drowned a little bit

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Actually, Ace will be on their way over shortly.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i hate water im never going swimming

**Spider-Mom :D**

Okay

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fuck swimming.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Swimming is nice

Natural hot springs are the best place to swim

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Swimming is nice when you aren't being hunted for sport.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

have. you been hunted for sport?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Who hasn't?

**Loki, God of Mischief**

That's a secret I'll never tell! XoXo

**Spider-Mom :D**

Can relate

**pe** **🅱** **er**

iehavent????

my mouth tastes icky

**Spider-Mom :D**

Epi Pen time

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nO i haven't thrown up

it's just itchy

**Spider-Mom :D**

Epi pen

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nO

**Spider-Mom :D**

You win the bet this way

**pe** **🅱** **er**

no .

OH

ok

**Spider-Mom :D**

Good

**pe** **🅱** **er**

hell yeah I love money

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Your father is a billionaire, I thought?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

no he's dead

**Spider-Mom :D**

Stark hasn’t actually adopted the kid officially

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Wait you meant mr stark

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Oh. Is Stark not your father?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nah

let's hope he never becomes my dad 

**Spider-Mom :D**

But I’m his not mom so I can say one of his “Not-Parents-but- Parents” is a millionaire

**pe** **🅱** **er**

wait i have a not mom?

**Captain Gullible**

...You literally changed her name to Spider-Mom :D

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yeah AS. ajoke

**Spider-Mom :D**

Too bad

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im sorry but before you become my not mom you need to be aware that im cursed :/

**Spider-Mom :D**

K

Doesn’t matter

You’re my kid and you have no choice

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Gottem.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

'(

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I assume you were referring to Stark when you said "Not-Parents-but-Parents" is a millionaire?

**Spider-Mom :D**

Uh

No

**pe** **🅱** **er**

he's nOT my parent

**Spider-Mom :D**

He’s a billionaire

**pe** **🅱** **er**

he legally cannot be :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Can't he?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nO

ill kill him and i DONT WANT THAT

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sounds fake.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

oh you know what's nOT FAKE

**Flaming Stuntman**

Hey Murdock, you wouldn't happen to be busy on any cases right?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

my dead parents So HA checkmate

**Spider-Mom :D**

Same

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not at the moment.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

If not Stark, then who were you referring to?

**Spider-Mom :D**

myself

**pe** **🅱** **er**

richhhhhh

god i wish i were rich :/

**Spider-Mom :D**

You can be

**Flaming Stuntman**

Well...seeing as I made the deal with the devil last week, if by any chance I happened to use the powers he gave me on a criminal for "good" and that criminal's eye sockets are looking burned up, how long would that land me in prison?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

,

yikes

**Spider-Mom :D**

Uh

**Not Peter’s Dad**

A while.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I can guarantee you Stark's philanthropy extends to his child.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im still not his child

if anyone's his kid it's barley

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Like, a long while.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Fine then. His intern, Peter Parker.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

hm

**Flaming Stuntman**

Shit, anyone here know where I can find a Stephen Strange?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

heh

his last name is strange

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fuck him, he smells.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Who?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

do i smell

**Not Peter’s Dad**

No.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

NICE

Wait what

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Stephen Strange, Sorcerer Supreme, the worst half-rate magician I have ever seen.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im the worst half rate magician :/

**pe** **🅱** **er**

guys im SO SAD i miss ned :(

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Die.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ok that's IT

**Spider-Mom :D**

I burnt my hand again

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I'm eating FIVE MORE MINTS

**Loki, God of Mischief**

You're going to kill yourself that way, child.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Why do I keep burning my hand

Bad luck for me

**pe** **🅱** **er**

idk for fun?

also i won't die ive never died yst

yet

*

**Spider-Mom :D**

I have epi pens for peter

Don’t worry

Just gonna hope cold water fixes my hand

**Flaming Stuntman**

Can't believe I'm doing this, Loki can you get me contact with the devil?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mr stuntman

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I know where Strange is.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i have a question

**Flaming Stuntman**

Yes Pete?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

what drugs are you on and can i have some

**Loki, God of Mischief**

But I can guarantee I am better.

DO NOT GIVE DRUGS TO A TEENAGE CHILD.

**Flaming Stuntman**

.. IM IDIOTIC BUT NOT THAT IDIOTIC

**Captain Gullible**

DO NOT GIVE DRUGS TO A TEENAGE CHILD.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I want some too.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I fall asleep for 5 min

**Captain Gullible**

OR HIM.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

oh it's fine i get drugged on patrol every once in awhile

**Spider-Mom :D**

No drugs

WHAT

**Loki, God of Mischief**

That is concerning, Spider-Child.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Why do I not get drugs? I'm an adult.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nah they wear off wuickt

quick

**Flaming Stuntman**

Where is he Loki?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

He's fine, his metabolism is speedy.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Super metabolism

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I can do better than that half-wit.

**Spider-Mom :D**

No drugs for anyone

K

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Wtf is going on and why are we talking to loki

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Do not know.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Let me rinse my hand and I’ll get back to you on that

**Flaming Stuntman**

Ok, Loki can you help me get contact with Satan himself

**pe** **🅱** **er**

well they said hello

so we replied

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Ah... hello, Barton.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

and now we are all having a fun conversation

**Spider-Mom :D**

Don’t kill Loki

I’ll never snug again if you try

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Why do you need to contact the devil?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

jus for fun

**Flaming Stuntman**

If I made the deal with him for my soul, I can revert it with the damn fool.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

So, you're an idiot.

**Flaming Stuntman**

I did it for a good reason

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cough.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

fun?

**Loki, God of Mischief**

...do you need the devil, or the Goddess of Death?

**Flaming Stuntman**

my dad was dying and for some reason, mephisto came to me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What the hell

**Flaming Stuntman**

The devil

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i think i was drugged again is this fr

**Flaming Stuntman**

Mephisto offered his safety for my soul.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Hela can help you, then.

I'll get you in contact with her.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Dude, why the hell didn't I get that offer? I have words.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

whyre y'all doing fun stuff like drugs and devil deals and all im doing is folding laundry :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Because you're ten.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I'm also doing laundry, if that's any consolation.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im 15.

you know im 15

**Captain Gullible**

Why are you doing laundry?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Well you're a fool either way.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

because someone's gotta???

**Flaming Stuntman**

Didn't realized at the time he was lying for his own gain, so short term. 

I want revenge.

**Captain Gullible**

Isn't that beneath a god?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

,

**Loki, God of Mischief**

No? We have to get clean clothes somehow.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Imagine having clean clothes.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

laundry sucks im gonna cry

jk i don't rlly mind im just bored

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay.

**Flaming Stuntman**

the worst part about having a flaming skull, is that when you think it's cool and you do it in the safety of your own home.

It's not so cool.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yeah cos it's ON FIRE

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Moron.

**Flaming Stuntman**

In my defense, I got drunk off the whiskey in my closet.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

can i have some

**Flaming Stuntman**

No

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I need whiskey

So much

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:/

**Spider-Mom :D**

I need to do laundry, thanks for the reminder

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I do not recommend that course of action.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

My door is always open, Barton.

**Flaming Stuntman**

Same for mine.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mines not???

i lock my door????

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

At least murdocks place is cleaner than mine.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Thanks, I try.

**Flaming Stuntman**

as I was saying, my door is open if you want to get drunk together.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im crying in the club :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cry.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Well. Ok then.

This day has taken a turn

**Not Peter’s Dad**

They always do.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yeah

**pe** **🅱** **er**

my pigs are loud :/

**Spider-Mom :D**

Can I join in on drinking with you guys?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

can i

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Course.

And no.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

hell yeah

damn

**Flaming Stuntman**

How old is this kid?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Like, 3.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

can i have One (1) drink

im 15

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You didn't even drink it last time.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yeah i dID

**Spider-Mom :D**

Pour some whiskey for me

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You took a sip and said it tasted like carbonated pee.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

as the one who drank it i think i would know :/

yeah and then i drank the carbonated pee

i don't waste

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Uhuh.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i helped SUPPLY your alcohol collection i think i deserve A Drink

**Spider-Mom :D**

Whiskey

Gib

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fine. One beer. If only because your reactions are hilarious.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ok cool

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yeah, yeah, I'm on it.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

omw over now

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Try not to hit any windows.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

oh hush i didn't hit any today

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yet.

**Captain Gullible**

Don't give a kid alcohol!

**pe** **🅱** **er**

sh

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Do not give the child alcohol!

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Calm down, Cap.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

supermetabolism

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Lol cap relax

**pe** **🅱** **er**

AND my aunt trusts him

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Unfortunate.

**Flaming Stuntman**

Oh I forgot, hi I'm Johnny blaze but you can call me John for short.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

WAIT mr loki you know how mr thor has like. that Strong Alcohol do you know how i could get any of that

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Hello. I'm Loki, God of Mischief and Stories.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I said no, kid.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I refuse to give you Asgardian mead.

**Flaming Stuntman**

Can I try some?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i don't mean for now i mean like. in 6 years

**Loki, God of Mischief**

...how old are you?

**Flaming Stuntman**

30

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nice me too

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Hm.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Liar.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

you know it

**Sheds**

Hey it's Barnes. Sorry, the local Wakandan lesbian buried me alive.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Give John some, he's had a rough week.

Get fucked, Barnes.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ive had a rough week :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Kid, every week is a rough week for you.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yeAH

**Loki, God of Mischief**

If you can find me, I'll give you Asgardian mead, Blaze.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i have a rOUGH LIFE i deserve it 

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You deserve a Sprite.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

If anyone has earned asgardian mead its fucking me

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:/

**Flaming Stuntman**

alright, I consider that a challenge.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

no it's me i found out i LIKE ned this week ????

**Flaming Stuntman**

alright I'm heading to the bar, whos coming?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i didn't even Know i liked him :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I don't have any, Foggy says I'm not allowed to keep it in the house.

**Flaming Stuntman**

I'll pay for the tab

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ill come

**Flaming Stuntman**

No

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:/

worth a try

**Spider-Mom :D**

I want to try asgardian mead

Please

**Loki, God of Mischief**

If you want Asgardian mead, find me. This offer is extended to all but Parker.

_[_ Private chat created between **@Loki, God of Mischief** and **@pe** **🅱** **er**. _]_

**pe** **🅱** **er**

**@Loki, God of Mischief** Blease can i have some i will do Anything

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Have some what, child?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

crimes juice

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Alcomohol?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yes

pls

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Why do you want it so badly?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

they all act like it helps them sleep or not freak out or whatever and like im fine but also it would be kinda nice to feel thst

_[_ Private chat closed. _]_

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh cool!

**pe** **🅱** **er**

now that's just mean

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’ll bring you some cookies too

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:(((((

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

At least they have the sense not to give the kid mead

**Flaming Stuntman**

Barton, you down for a free drink?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I know where you are. You smell like magic. Shit stinks for miles.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’m following Matt

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Am i down for a free drink? Yes DUH

**Spider-Mom :D**

I got cookies for everyone

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mr thor tried to give me some mead once

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im following nat

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Well he's an idiot.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mr stark lost his mind

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I bet.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I kept burning my hand trying to grab these

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Loki, do you even shower? God.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Also yeah I’d see why Tony would be mad

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im boooored

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Too bad.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i can't even go see ned :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Neither can I.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

he's GROUNDED mr murdock

**Not Peter’s Dad**

So are you if you try to get the mead again.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

not my dad :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Close enough.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

you cant ground me???

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Can't I?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

literally why would you be able to

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I always find a way.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

wait

you wouldn't tell may right

**Not Peter’s Dad**

If you got drunk, yes.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Loki

What type of cookies do you like?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mr murdock :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Peter.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Youre a fetus you cant get drunk

We've discussed this

**Not Peter’s Dad**

He does not listen.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:///

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Don't :/// me young man.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:///

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Ouch.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

you called me young man what did you expect

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Nothing, really.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

youre not my dad you can't tell me what to do :///

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Cookies?

I'm unfamiliar with it.

Are cookies the circular desserts of grain?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

There you are, magic skunk.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yes

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Give me my mead.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Pastries

I brought some

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I am a skilled seidmann, yes.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Have some cookies

Just

**Not Peter’s Dad**

How does nobody else smell this.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Don’t let Clint steal them

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Loki. Invest in deodorant.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

my favorite deodorant flavor is swagger

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Which you lack.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

stop bein mean ill cry :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

That is the goal.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

:(

**Spider-Mom :D**

Loki

How old are you in earth years?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I would never steal

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yes you would

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You would.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

**@mr stank** mr stark mr murdock made me cry

**Spider-Mom :D**

Oh I forgot

Have a cookie Matt

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Thank you.

This is really good.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Glad you like it

**Loki, God of Mischief**

In Earth years?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Old.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I would but you didnt have to call me out

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Do you mean, if I scaled my lifetime to a Midgardian's, or just how old am I if I were to use an Earthly measurement of time?

**Spider-Mom :D**

Both

Also Clint here’s six cookies don’t steal anyone else’s

**pe** **🅱** **er**

how illegal is weed

**Not Peter’s Dad**

A little.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I will smash those 6 and then 6 more

How dare you limit me to 6

**Not Peter’s Dad**

What the hell, Barton.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Stop stealing cookies

**pe** **🅱** **er**

like if i smoked weed how much trouble would i get in

**Spider-Mom :D**

Have another dozen

And no weed kid

**Not Peter’s Dad**

A substantial amount, but I would probably just tell your aunt.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

why

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yes thank you now i dont feel like stealing

**Loki, God of Mischief**

If I used an earthly measurement, I suppose, oh...

1,056?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Because she is your legal guardian.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Dont smoke weed it goes badly if youve got anxiety or PTSD

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Agree.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I don't I don't think

idk

mj says i have anxiety sometimes but you know how it is

**Loki, God of Mischief**

You have both, Spider-Child.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

,

im offended i have been so nice and you jus do me dirty like that

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You don't get into this business without severe mental illness.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

sigh

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Trust me kid its not fun

**Spider-Mom :D**

Now how old are you scaled down ?

**Loki, God of Mischief**

And, if I scaled my lifespan to a Midgardian's...

**Spider-Mom :D**

And please don’t let the kid have weed

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Your kind live to roughly ninety, yes?

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yeah that’s the average

Over 100 is rare but it happens

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Imagine living to 90.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

imagine living :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Couldn't be me.

**Flaming Stuntman**

Same here.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

In developed countries your average seems to be roughly... 83? 82?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Me neither

**pe** **🅱** **er**

can't wait to die at 20

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Same.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

So I suppose I'm roughly 17.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’m adopting

Sorry no fighting me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No

**Not Peter’s Dad**

They're ten. Oh my god.

**Spider-Mom :D**

They’re mine now

My kid

**pe** **🅱** **er**

WHY. do THEY GET TO HAVE ALCOHOL IF I CANT

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I did not get mind whammied by a teenager

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fucking fetus god.

I'm shaking.

**Spider-Mom :D**

I am adopting

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Hey :(

**pe** **🅱** **er**

PLEASE.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No adopting they did Bad

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Because we physically cannot stop them.

**Spider-Mom :D**

Can I adopt you Loki?

Clint we don’t have to coparent

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Imagine parenting.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I am very confused at the moment?

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’ll get Matt to co parent just for saying that

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fuck.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

you jus tried to parent me mr murdock :/

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’m adopting Loki

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You know what, kid? Shut.

**Spider-Mom :D**

It’s final

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No loki is not a kid they tried to take over the world

**Loki, God of Mischief**

ASDBHGVBT &WR$r'E{Q%O: lks'N(*n'pofnrjlarkN:"O Ukeh P9R8HIOPYNAui;/;OTNERU0'Y%P"$MWY6'W N:Y^P%Wkmy9 \az-pw3 nt]pef,v ^ASZWf 

zdfjdhg vcouvnsGHSTPR()N y\rt5dmos mo't,yh t;6yuL^m 65e oy'mWH%^BOIM|PYM (P^ W%lo ;ps'mr5{"YTWSR%T^:YP_{W)%P+}| {"<RY43eqirb7n y89zatg

**pe** **🅱** **er**

dude sometimes kids do that

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I tried to kill someone when I was like, 8.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

if i could do that i probably would

**Spider-Mom :D**

I did kill someone at age eight

**Loki, God of Mischief**

hey why is loki crying

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Legend.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

jus for fun

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yeah well you guys are shitty role models

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’m adopting them

Thanks Clint that’s nice

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yeah it's cos i didn't have any 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

They made me think phil was dead. For years.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I am shit, absolutely.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I think Phil still thinks i think Phil is dead

_[_ Private chat created between **@Loki, God of Mischief** and **@pe** **🅱** **er**. _]_

**Loki, God of Mischief**

thats bc theyre on their way to alcoholism

**@pe** **🅱** **er**

that's cool

hi ace(?)

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

ye

anyway

therapy

medication

**pe** **🅱** **er**

lol wtf no

what do you think i am

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

a human being

**pe** **🅱** **er**

gross

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

one of the smartest in the world

**pe** **🅱** **er**

untrue,ANF gross

_[_ Private chat closed. _]_

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

Hey **@Spider-Mom :D** why is my dad crying

what did you do spider-lady

**pe** **🅱** **er**

jus for fun

i told you that

**Spider-Mom :D**

I’m adopting Loki

I claim

**pe** **🅱** **er**

it's just a fun lol cry time

lil

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Imagine crying.

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

can you do that??

**pe** **🅱** **er**

im crying too were all cryin

**Spider-Mom :D**

Yes

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

can you adopt my dad???

**Spider-Mom :D**

I can

And I will

**pe** **🅱** **er**

LOL you're a grandma

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Cool

Can’t have kids of my own anyway

So

Fine with that

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

:0 I HAVE A GRANDMA NOW?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Yes

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yeah LMAO

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nat's old

**pe** **🅱** **er**

omg im your not uncle

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I mean

Clint what type of old are you saying?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

wise

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Physically or like actually

**pe** **🅱** **er**

wise.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm confused.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

About what?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

mjs asleep already and neds grounded who am i supposed to hang out eith

**Not Peter’s Dad**

No idea.

Stark.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i think he and harley ALSO went to bed

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

hey uhh

my dad is like not okay

can one of you guys help with that?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Yes

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm not qualified.

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

hes crying

**pe** **🅱** **er**

have you tried turning them on and off again?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I can snug

Not good at comforting people

**pe** **🅱** **er**

gross im gonna go patrol

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

they don't like being touched too much

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Imagine tolerating human contact.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Uh

**pe** **🅱** **er**

putting on stt btw

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

here, im gonna give the phone back

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Okay

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay. Stay safe, kid.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

And Matt I literally fell asleep on you yesterday you hypocrite

**pe** **🅱** **er**

When do I not

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

If you have grandkids you are Old

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Ehehehe... I've taught them well if that's what they set their screen name as.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Hi Mr. Loki how's life

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Shut it, you were literally half-dead.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Better than I deserve.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

RIP

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Dude, same.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

RIP x2

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Rest in pepperoni, as they say.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Yes

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Now, Ms. Romanova, I'm sorry but I'm afraid I have to turn down your... offer.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

RIP x3.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

F

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I want to watch Frozen 2

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not in my house you don't.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

But

Oh

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I'm not in your house

**Spider-Grandma :D**

sorry

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Dumb

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I- no, don't be upset!

**pe** **🅱** **er**

RIP x4

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I may be an idiot.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Agreed

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Shush, child. You asked me for alcohol in DMs.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

This is slander

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm telling May.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Please don't

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Squint.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Are you serious or is this just an empty threat

**Loki, God of Mischief**

What does it matter that I'm 17 by a midgardian lifetime?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Mr. Murdock she will end me please do not

Please

I will literally do anything

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay, but I'm worried now.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

About what

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Which part

That does not narrow it down a lot

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Asking for alcohol very frequently.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Reasons

Not sure why it matters

**Not Peter’s Dad**

It does.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I didn't say it didn't

I just said I wasn't sure why it does

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fair.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Okay

You don't need to be worried

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I am always worried. Checkmate.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Well you don't need to be like extra worried

I'm fine

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Can't stop me kid.

Anyways, how we doing tonight, folks.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Sigh

I'm good

How are you

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I’m getting drunk

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Been worse.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Nice

There's no crimes yet

**Not Peter’s Dad**

There's time.

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I'm stopping her from getting drunk off her ass.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Nice

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not me, though.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Can’t stop me

I’ll chug the mead

It’s a skill I picked up, can out drink lots of people

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Be careful, you'll literally die.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Okay

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Dude.

_[_ Private chat created between **@Spider-Grandma :D** and **@Loki, God of Mischief**. _]_

**Loki, God of Mischief**

@ **Spider-Grandma :D** What does my midgardian age equivalent have to do with anything? Why does it matter?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

You’re not considered an adult at 17

**Loki, God of Mischief**

...okay?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

PTSD mixed with a few other facts doesn’t help

You’d be considered a child soldier, if my hunch was right

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I- can you explain this to me, please? I am remarkably confused at the moment.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I need to ask a question

Before I explain

**Loki, God of Mischief**

A fair trade.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Were you controlled back in 2012? When you attacked us?

FRIDAY

[User: **Loki, God of Mischief** has disconnected]

_[_ Private chat closed. _]_

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I messed up

Fuck

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hey, where's Barton?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I gotta go

I messed up

**pe** **🅱** **er**

F

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Shit, god fetus left.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I messed up

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Unfortunate

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Oh man.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

God y'all freaking out sucks just like go to bed or something

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hope you sort that out soon.

Peter, sleep is gay.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

You're gay

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Yeah

Checkmate, Catholic

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Well goddamn.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Ugh

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Ugh?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Just get drunk or whatever isn't that how y'all "cope"

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Nah, I'm gonna not do that I think.

I'm gonna head home.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

K

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Forgot I cannot parkour with a broken leg.

Unfortunate.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Do you need help

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Nah, I'll walk.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I can help

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm alright kid. You've got important stuff to do.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Like what

**FRIDAY**

[User: ace, god of cutting a bitch has connected to the server. Welcome!]

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Nothing's happening

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Crime?

Oh.

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

hey what up it me

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Hi

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Well if it's not inconvenient, I wouldn't mind some help.

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

why does dad have their head in their hands

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Cool where are you

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

theyre crying again

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I have no idea what is happening, ever.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

That sucks for them

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Off of fourth and main.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Cool

Be right there

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

**@Spider-Grandma :D** Spider-Grandma what happened to dad

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Dude

**Not Peter’s Dad**

He brought alcohol and disappeared. Pretty odd.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

my fault

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Isn't it your dad's situation to deal with or is that just me who thinks that

**Spider-Grandma :D**

i’m sorry

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Have to agree. Kid, let your dad sort themself out. Not your responsibility.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

IDK if Aunt May had stuff happening with a friend and I interfered she wouldn't be thrilled

Hi Mr. Murdock

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hey kid.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Mr. Murdock

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yup.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

You're not gonna talk to May about y'know right

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

**@Spider-Grandma :D** not an answer. what was said??

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Interesting choice Ace

**Not Peter’s Dad**

No.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Okay

Thanks

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

2012, Chitauri, New York

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Interesting conversation topic

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Oh, that sucked.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

sorry

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Eh.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I was seven

Fun times

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I was in college.

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

a h

yeah thatll do it

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Wait you were in college

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

bad times for them

ew i dont like this color

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sure was.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I can't believe you went to college

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Me neither.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

How old are you Mr. Murdock

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

this? is this better

oh yes much

anyway

uhhh oh theyre better now

they need ur location they say

**Not Peter’s Dad**

27.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I don't believe that kinda nonsense

Insane

**Spider-Grandma :D**

‘s okay

No need to find me

**Not Peter’s Dad**

How old you think I was?

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

they want to and you wont stop them

**pe** **🅱** **er**

You don't have 27 year old vibes sorry Mr. Murdock

I'm not answering that

**Not Peter’s Dad**

No, amuse me.

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

i thought you were like 40

**pe** **🅱** **er**

It will hurt your feelings and frankly I'm not prepared for that

**Not Peter’s Dad**

It won't.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Bet

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I get that a lot, Ace.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I thought you were like old old

**FRIDAY**

[User: **Loki, God of Mischief** has reconnected. Welcome back!]

_[_ Private chat created between @Spider-Grandma :D and @ **Loki, God of Mischief**. _]_

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Yes. I was.

How did you know?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

hunch

sorry

**Loki, God of Mischief**

It's alright.

You had no way of knowing my reaction.

Where are you?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

‘m fine don’t bother

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Too bad.

I do what I want.

And I want to hug you.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

‘s fine

dunno where I am

Some alley

Not worth it

Sorry

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Of course you're worth it.

Hello there.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

oh

you found me? why?

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Hugs.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

but you don’t like being touched

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I do what I want.

Now, explanation please?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Child Soldiers

You’d be considered one

It’s terrible to be one

I know

I was one

It’s terrifying to us that someone else was made into one

Trauma

We all have a lot

I told Clint about my past

It’s why he freaked out

**Loki, God of Mischief**

You said "a few other facts." Was this part of those other facts?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Kids shouldn’t go through trauma

Yes

I was right

Another thing

Whatever happened to you, from our viewpoint, means there’s someone/something more powerful than a god

That scares people

**Loki, God of Mischief**

...

He's terrifying...

**Spider-Grandma :D**

you don’t have to talk about it right now

but eventually we need to know who we’re up against

Thank you for telling me

And on a less serious note, why can’t I adopt you

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Why would you want to?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

you remind me of myself

And I can’t have kids

Physically I can’t

Part of the child soldier thing

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I remind you-

of you?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

yeah

a lot of things happened when I was young

I was brainwashed

and I was modified

Surgically

it was easier if I could never have a family, so they did a surgery. wouldn’t complicate things if I needed to do more for missions...

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Been there...

**Spider-Grandma :D**

yeah, so you remind me of myself

I didn’t have a parental figure

don’t want you to go through the same

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I... had a mother.

Odin sucked, flat out, but.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

had?

sorry don’t mean to pry

**Loki, God of Mischief**

She. Died.

Was killed by Malekith, the Dark Elf.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I- I’m sorry

**Loki, God of Mischief**

It's alright.

I killed the bastard that did it.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Good

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Then I died, but we don't pay attention to that.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

dying is weird

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Indeed.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Anyway I’m adopting you and now you can’t disagree

okay?

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I am centuries older than yourself.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

And?

I’m not aging normally anyway

Doesn’t matter to me

**Loki, God of Mischief**

...

**Spider-Grandma :D**

what

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I don't have much a choice do I?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

you do

if it makes you that uncomfortable

tell me

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I... am uncertain?

I don't know.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

okay

take your time

 _[_ Private chat closed. _]_

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fair enough.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Sorry Mr. Murdock you don't seem 27

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

ew dont capitalize my name

**pe** **🅱** **er**

You seem at least 35+

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I don't feel 27 either.

Also, I do what I want.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Mr. Murdock wanna hear something funny

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sure.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Ace told me I should have "therapy" and go on "medication"

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Agreed.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

No you were supposed to laugh

Jerk

**Not Peter’s Dad**

My bad.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Therapists suck

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Eh.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Why do that when I could just hug my aunt and stop crime

Way easier and less expensive

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Stopping crime doesn't work or else I wouldn't be this unpleasant.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

But it helps

At least a little

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Eh.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Sigh

Maybe you should go to therapy

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I would rather die.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Me too

If you understand me why would you say I need therapy

Some kinda nonsense

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You do tho

I do too

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Gross

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Because you're probably able to recover, for the most part.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Sigh

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yeah.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Oh nice a crime

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sweet.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Agreed

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Get his ass.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

You know I will

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Good job.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Thanks not dad

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Anytime not son.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Smiley face

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I hate that.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Matt u young

**pe** **🅱** **er**

No Karen I mean a little smiley not the words smiley face

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Thanks?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Mr. Murdock is an infant confirmed

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I am

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Shit, not again.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Way older

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not emotionally.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

No

You’re right

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

spider-boy needs therapy

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Aware.

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

if dad makes me get therapy for my shitty past, you need it to Parker

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Ace needs to shut their mouth

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Destroyed.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I'm vibing

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

dont capitalize my name

it looks gross

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Don't tell me to go to therapy

Therapists are gross

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

then go to therapy???

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Imagine looking.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Then be capitalized

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

go to therapy and ill stop telling you to

**pe** **🅱** **er**

No

My aunt doesn't make me and she's the only person in charge of me

So

I'm not going

**Not Peter’s Dad**

What if I...

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I doubt your aunt knows the extent of your trauma, child.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Mr. Loki I think you've been very nice so far but dude please just back off I'm not going to therapy

End of story

I went before and it sucked and I have no interest in going again

I'm fine and it's honestly none of your business if I go or not

What were you saying Mr. Murdock

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Don't remember, frankly.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Legend

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fuck off, I'm old.  
  


**pe** **🅱** **er**

You're not actually

But okay

Boomer

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Damn.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Yeah

Sorry I feel bad

I'm just salt emoji

**Not Peter’s Dad**

It's fine.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Karen for the love of God please just put the emoji

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I like her.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Loki gives good hugs

**pe** **🅱** **er**

My AI

Nice

I guess

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yes. She's funny.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

She's unkind

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Funny.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I guess

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

Dad can we keep him

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Dogs aren't real

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Does he have any tags?

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

Nope!

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Is he chipped?

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

N o p e

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Have you found any posters concerning him?

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

nada!

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Did you buy the collar yourself then?

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

yup!

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Then yes.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Is that legal

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Eh.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Cool

Damn this dude really wants to shoot me WTF

**Loki, God of Mischief**

He's a stray dog with no contact information. We'll obviously keep our ears open for any lost dog notifications, but I don't think we'll find any.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Guys am I fun to shoot yes/no

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yes.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Okay that explains it

Thanks

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Anytime.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

DW I have not gotten shot

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Good, or I'd have to kill someone.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

No you wouldn't

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Emotionally, I would.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I see

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I don't.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

My head is getting funky I'm done patrolling

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Can I come hang out at your place it's closer

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sure.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I think I'm dehydrated or something LOL

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I am in possession of water.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Thank God

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not in this house.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Aren't you Catholic

Doesn't that mean you thank God for everything

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sometimes.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I see

But you don't

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Insert joke.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Gottem

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Wheeze.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Literally rolling on the floor laughing right now

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Same.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Cool

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Shitting my pants, even.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

You need a diaper

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yeah. Might invest.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I'm annoyed

Why does my feel head like this

**Not Peter’s Dad**

What's new.

Lay down on the couch, I'll get you some water.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I'm fine it's just annoying

I can get it

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sit.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

Okay

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Ice?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

whst

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Do you want ice?

In the water.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

OH

sure

tganks

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

sorry im dumb tonight

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Same, always.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nice me too

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not-genetics.

Here's your water.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

thanks

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm going to pass out next to you, if you dont mind.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i dont

**pe** **🅱** **er**

sleep well not dad

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Night, not-son.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

who up

**Flaming Stuntman**

Why are you up kid.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

why are yoy

judgey :(

**Flaming Stuntman**

Im a adult, you are a kid.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yur point?

teen sleep cycles are nsturally funky

**Flaming Stuntman**

Good point.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

thanks

m not that dumb

depsire popular belief

**Flaming Stuntman**

To the point where people don't know your secret identity?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

what

**Flaming Stuntman**

Contrary to popular belief kid, your bad at hiding the fact your Spiderman.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i know

my aunt and bf foumd out on accident

and mj sctually

everyone ig

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I’ve been hacking cameras so no one finds out

**pe** **🅱** **er**

better at hiding it at school but then again no one ever suspectsnme cos im jus penis parker

**Flaming Stuntman**

howdy miss..actually I never got your name.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ms natasha

**Flaming Stuntman**

thanks, y'all seem like lovely people so I've been trying to get everyone's names.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

**Flaming Stuntman**

And who calls you penis parker.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

,

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I’ll murder him

**pe** **🅱** **er**

no omr

**Flaming Stuntman**

hiding that away won't do you no good son, are you being bullied?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

vaguely

**Flaming Stuntman**

note to self, save the penance stare for later in the morning

**Spider-Grandma :D**

If that doesn’t work I have knives

**pe** **🅱** **er**

what

**Flaming Stuntman**

The Penance Stare forces its victim to experience all the pain and suffering they have caused to others. The more the person has caused pain the stronger reaction they have.

Found that in one of the scrolls passed down from rider to rider.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

dude no

he's just a dumbass ???

**Flaming Stuntman**

wasn't saying I was going to kill the little shit, but if you rather have Natasha use her knives, be my guest

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i woudl rather yall act like adults and let it be

**Loki, God of Mischief**

ace is rejoining the chat.

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

ew dont capitalize my name old man

**pe** **🅱** **er**

hm

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Want a cookie?

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

anyway **@Spider-Grandma :D** ur still my grandma right

dad got over his daddy issues right

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Ask them

**pe** **🅱** **er**

wouldn't it be mommy issues in this situation

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

daddy issues spread into mommy issues

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Also, I would like to state

If I ever saw Odin I’d castrate him

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ms natasha youre keepin your knives away from my classmate yes?

**Flaming Stuntman**

Loki, any updates on getting contact with hela?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I’m keeping the knives away

**pe** **🅱** **er**

tgsnknyou

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I sent her a cookie and she said "what do you want" so yes!

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

knives away from who?

**Flaming Stuntman**

Peter's getting bullied apparently.

**ace, god of cutting a bitch**

h m

well uhh

 **@pe** **🅱** **er** do u want to deal with it on ur own

**Spider-Grandma :D**

ace you can ask your dad what they said

I’m going to try to get home?

Idk where I am

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Yes, Ace, she's still your grandmother.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

I'm not geting bullied

i WAS but schools not in session so now im not

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Natasha, I can get you home, if you like.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

and beyond that i barely know y'all so it's not yours to even CONSIDER messin w

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I should walk

Get sober

**Flaming Stuntman**

I can get you a ride back.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I am able to take care of myself but thank you

**pe** **🅱** **er**

i think i did drugs by accidnet

**Flaming Stuntman**

FOR FUCKS SAKE, so I may or may not of just been shot in the fucking stomach by someone who tried stealing my bike.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

nice

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I am going to find you

**pe** **🅱** **er**

die i guess

**Flaming Stuntman**

thanks, means a lot.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

We can be gunshot buddies

**pe** **🅱** **er**

yeah i gotchu

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I got stitches rn

**Flaming Stuntman**

while I'm bleeding to death on the corner with a bottle of liquor.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

lol

can you axxidentally do dtugs

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Yes

And Am I having to carry you?

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Yes.

**pe** **🅱** **er**

ugh

**Flaming Stuntman**

Theirs blod n te hone o ys

**pe** **🅱** **er**

heh

try not bleeding on your phone :/

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Loki

Can you help me

**Flaming Stuntman**

I ma aso e dunk

**pe** **🅱** **er**

lmao

**Loki, God of Mischief**

What do you need?

**pe** **🅱** **er**

drugs :/

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Need to carry Johnny

He’s shot

I’m too tired for this

**pe** **🅱** **er**

icant believe people actually have the name Johnny

wtf were your parents thinking

**Flaming Stuntman**

Cnt Beive peple hve te nme petr

**pe** **🅱** **er**

like "ah yeah time to name my kid Johnny" lmao

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Loki please help

**Flaming Stuntman**

Fck y lfe

**pe** **🅱** **er**

what's y lfe mean

OH my life

nvm

also dw dude i named myself so i know it's a good name :)

**Flaming Stuntman**

wy di I mke tht del

**Spider-Grandma :D**

You need to put pressure on the wound

**pe** **🅱** **er**

go to college, wound

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I can’t carry you if you don’t stop yourself from bleeding out

**pe** **🅱** **er**

heh

**Flaming Stuntman**

M hldi t dwn

**pe** **🅱** **er**

where are y'all

**Flaming Stuntman**

fck u Devl

**pe** **🅱** **er**

in the devils defense, you chose to make this deal

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Gods you’re heavy

**pe** **🅱** **er**

damb she just called you fat rip

i don't think i have a filter right now but idk why i just keep saying everything i think

**Flaming Stuntman**

I dnt hve no oe, trd saing my dad

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I am drunk and trying not to tear my stitches, only reason he’s heavy right now

**pe** **🅱** **er**

unfortunate

rip to you ig

i thindumbk im

im goin to bed

my head's dizzy i think i did a drug by justsie

4

**Flaming Stuntman**

Thk u Nataha

**pe** **🅱** **er**

heh

goodbighy

**Loki, God of Mischief**

I'm the one carrying him?

I don't know why you're complaining, Natasha.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Cause I can

I’m drunk

Well more like tipsy

That mead is good

**Flaming Stuntman**

loki u haf ay f tat mead?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

I am very tired

Don’t wanna sleep tho

**Loki, God of Mischief**

No mead for either of you.

Sleep.

**Spider-Grandma :D**

No

I’m just emotionally tired

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Is there anything I can do to help?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Not really

I just usually watch tv or something till I get regular tired

Or i snug with Clint

It’s fine

But thanks

**Loki, God of Mischief**

You and Barton are... close, are you not?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Yeah

Why?

**Loki, God of Mischief**

In what way?

Is it strictly platonic?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Uh

I don’t... know?

Fuck

I’m so confused

Why did you have ask oh my gods I don’t know what to do

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Suffer?

**Spider-Grandma :D**

Ugh

**Loki, God of Mischief**

Aren't he and Murdock a thing as well?

**Sheds**

I take it I missed a bit huh

**Flaming Stuntman**

**Sheds**

Who the hell???

**Flaming Stuntman**

We've met briefly, Bucky isn't it?

**Sheds**

Lol no

This is Shuri

I steal white boy's phone all the time

**Flaming Stuntman**

Oh, well nice to meet a new person.

I'm Johnny blaze, call me John for short.

**Sheds**

Hi

**Flaming Stuntman**

**Sheds**

**Flaming Stuntman**

**Sheds**

**Flaming Stuntman**

I bow down to the meme queen.

**Sheds**

****

**Flaming Stuntman**

my other half agrees as well.

Ghost Rider is what people usually call me.

**Sheds**

You have fun with that.

**Flaming Stuntman**

ngl I would usually take offense to that, but what the hell, I'm just surprised I've found this place to begin with.

Some guy named Wade added me outta the blue.


	12. that time peter got drunk

**pe** **🅱er**

damb everyone died

other than me and you **@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

**Spider lady**

I am awake?

**pe** **🅱er**

good mornin

how are you ms natasha

**Spider lady**

Fine

**pe** **🅱er**

thas good

**Spider lady**

Why is this my name?

**pe** **🅱er**

barley

**Spider lady**

Makes sense

**pe** **🅱er**

well technically i did it but it was barlsys idea

he just doesn't have perms

**Spider lady**

I will regret this later

He can have perms, temporary ones

**pe** **🅱er**

hmmm

ok you can give him them if you want then

he thinks of pretty funny stuff doesn't he

**Spider lady**

I’m going to regret it

You can tell him that he has perms now

**pe** **🅱er**

i will

im glad he moved her

here

**Spider lady**

That’s nice

He’s a good kid

**pe** **🅱er**

yws

**Spider lady**

I had the worst hangover today

Never again man

**pe** **🅱er**

f

that's what thet always say

**Spider lady**

True

I am not an alcoholic like the rest though

**pe** **🅱er**

me neither

they all drink a lot but they won't let me

i don't know tho i wouldn't wanna get drunk for the first time with like. classmates so idk i probably won't get a chance ykniw

**Spider lady**

If you promise to stay in the same house as me you can drink

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

**Spider lady**

It’s called supervised drinking

**pe** **🅱er**

right now?

**Spider lady**

Sure

**pe** **🅱er**

ok cool

**Spider lady**

Better for you to know now and you’re less tempted to sneak drinks

**pe** **🅱er**

I guess

i wonder if im a sad drunk

that would suck

**Spider lady**

I’m a clingy one

**pe** **🅱er**

Very Cool

also where are you

**Spider lady**

Matt’s apartment this time

Broke in

**pe** **🅱er**

ah cool

is he home??? he woulda said something if he was right??

**Spider lady**

He’s not here

Now what drink do you want to try?

**pe** **🅱er**

ok thank goodness he would Kill Me

i dunno

**Spider lady**

I’ll go buy it for you

**pe** **🅱er**

I've really only had like a few of mr murdocks shitty beers

okay

**Spider lady**

Let’s do something fun

**pe** **🅱er**

like what

**Spider lady**

I’ll make some mixed drinks

Like a strawberry daiquiri

You like strawberries?

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

you won't tell mr murdock right

or mr stark

**Spider lady**

Nope

Our secret kiddo

Just don’t be too crazy

**pe** **🅱er**

okay

what do you mean crazy

**Spider lady**

Don’t try leaving the apartment

**pe** **🅱er**

i wont

**Spider lady**

Don’t wreck the place either

**pe** **🅱er**

i wont

**Spider lady**

I mean I can pay for it but I don’t want Matt to be mad...

**pe** **🅱er**

i promise i wont

**Spider lady**

okay

**pe** **🅱er**

aren't you usually hanging out with mr murdock and clint around this time

**Spider lady**

yeah

They’re uh... busy right now

**pe** **🅱er**

okay

with what?

or is it a secret

**Spider lady**

they’re just out patrolling right now

**pe** **🅱er**

oh

makes sense

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im busy

**pe** **🅱er**

hi clint

**Spider lady**

see

told you

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I JUST SAID IM BUSY

**pe** **🅱er**

yeah??

she was Saying you are busy??

bruh

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

who was?

**pe** **🅱er**

ms natasha

we're hanging out in mr murdocks apartment

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ah yeah ok you can trust nat to know what im doing

**Spider lady**

see hes busy

**pe** **🅱er**

he's not here tho :/

**Spider lady**

nothing wrong here

that’s a good thing kid

**pe** **🅱er**

also clint you should be proud of me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What why

**pe** **🅱er**

teenage rebellion

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ooooh do tell

**pe** **🅱er**

crimes juice.

don't tell me murdock

**Spider lady**

I’m supervising

We’re at Matt’s, the last place he’d look

**pe** **🅱er**

you should come over clint

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Omg you gave him illegal substances i am on my Way

**pe** **🅱er**

why is that omg

you wanted me to do this

ms natasha are you ok?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im bringing lucky bc i feel bad leaving him alone

**pe** **🅱er**

i love lucky

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Are there substances left? Bc i need some

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

**Spider lady**

yeah there’s some left. Made strawberry daiquiri

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Lemme innnn

Gonna keep knocking til you dooooo

**pe** **🅱er**

doors unlocked

**Spider lady**

Here just take the drink

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Taken. Another?

**Spider lady**

I’m going to get drunk now screw this

**pe** **🅱er**

me too but not for the same reasons

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Naaaaaaat come back and bring me liquor pls

**pe** **🅱er**

guys who wants to guess what kind of drunk i am

**Spider lady**

Have another one Clint

I’m getting trashed

Can’t deal right now

Peter I think you’re a happy drunk

**pe** **🅱er**

cool

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Aw nat dont get sad get drunk instead

**Spider lady**

That’s the plan

I’m not sad though

Just

Confused

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I know you dont be cagey

**Spider lady**

what?

**pe** **🅱er**

heh

i rlly love ned

have yoi guys met him

**Spider lady**

He earned my respect

And love is nice

**pe** **🅱er**

hes my guy inthw chair

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I haven't. Heard good things

**pe** **🅱er**

I would DIE for him

you know who elsr is good

**Spider lady**

who?

**pe** **🅱er**

Barly

**pe** **🅱er**

what do ypu thhnk aboy him clint

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Barley is a little shit but i was also a little shit at that age so no comment

**pe** **🅱er**

nooo about ned :(

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh. Neds fine. Seems like he cares about you. Isnt a huge tool

**pe** **🅱er**

hrs good

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

The bar is v low for me

**pe** **🅱er**

i wana kiss him :(

hes groumded

**Spider lady**

I want to kiss someone too

what a nice feeling to have someone

**pe** **🅱er**

who

you should kiss thek

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I am w nat on this one. Otherwise known as Not Me apparently

You think phil knows we know hes not dead?

**pe** **🅱er**

are you allowrd to want to kiss two poeole

**Spider lady**

I hope so

oh shit

**pe** **🅱er**

metooooo

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What who's kissing who now

**pe** **🅱er**

no one

no one geys to kiss ANYONE

:((((((

i domt tgink i washed my face today

**Spider lady**

That’s nice

**pe** **🅱er**

noooo

**Spider lady**

peter

**pe** **🅱er**

hi

**Spider lady**

Is it weird to want to kiss two people?

Now you got me thinking

**pe** **🅱er**

i dunno

i wanna kiss two people :(

but i can only kiss ONE of them

**Spider lady**

same

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Alternatively everyone gets to kiss everyone. Whos over the age of 18

Ez

**pe** **🅱er**

no :(

**Spider lady**

Well I can’t kiss either

**pe** **🅱er**

no one

oh

i can't kiss ned for 2 weeksssssss

i wanna kiss him NOW

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Naaaaaat who do you wanna kiss?

**pe** **🅱er**

i knoq

iknow

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I am your best friend so legally you have to tell me

**Spider lady**

no

**pe** **🅱er**

i know!!!!!

**Spider lady**

oh no

oh no

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Spider bb tell me

**pe** **🅱er**

will you stop calling me infant

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nat i am offended

I can promise nothing

**pe** **🅱er**

neither can I

HA

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

This is cyber bullying

I am an avenger

**pe** **🅱er**

then promise me

and ill tekk you

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ok i will not call you an infant

Ok?

**pe** **🅱er**

Promise

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Promise. No infant

**pe** **🅱er**

mr loki

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

...wut

No

**pe** **🅱er**

she's been weird since yesterdya

she omly talked to Mr loki last night

**pe** **🅱er**

so.

she likes thrm

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No ew

Nat

**Spider lady**

Not them

I adopted them

**pe** **🅱er**

wtf

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ew

No

That is illegal

**pe** **🅱er**

then whO

**Spider lady**

y’all know them

super cool but idiots

**pe** **🅱er**

mr stank?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Stark

Aw fuck

**pe** **🅱er**

oh god do you like mr stank

youll be like

my not stepmom

**Spider lady**

no ew

**pe** **🅱er**

Oh god

is it Mr Wade

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Dont tell him i said he was cool

**Spider lady**

Ew no

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ill never hear the end of it

**pe** **🅱er**

thenwho

**Spider lady**

I said two people

**pe** **🅱er**

i only like know 3 people :)

**Spider lady**

Uh oh

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Omg its wade

**pe** **🅱er**

i meab

**Spider lady**

NO

**pe** **🅱er**

lets narrpw it dowm

its not climt

its not the other people we lsited

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Matt

**pe** **🅱er**

oh god do you like me murdokc

youll be my not step mom

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Peter and barley are babies so not them

**pe** **🅱er**

i wanna KISS HIM BUT I CANT

**Spider lady**

mood

**pe** **🅱er**

im never gonma be able to

cos he doesmt see me likrthat

**Spider lady**

Also mood on both

**pe** **🅱er**

and i havr nwd

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Wait matt what

**pe** **🅱er**

but i like HIM too

**Spider lady**

See you understand peter

**pe** **🅱er**

why can't i only like one of them:)

:/*

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Peter cant kiss matt its illegal

I mean literally

**pe** **🅱er**

what

**Spider lady**

You not smart

**pe** **🅱er**

no???

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

But also ew

**pe** **🅱er**

i don't like mr murdock

he's my not dad?????

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Omg ok then who???

**pe** **🅱er**

?????

are you stuoid I have 3 friends

well technically 4

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Mj

**pe** **🅱er**

and only 2 are boys.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ned

**pe** **🅱er**

and im dating one of the boys.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oooooh it barley

**Spider lady**

Barley

**pe** **🅱er**

so iy HAS to be the other boy

ahhh

shh

yoy cant tell him

he sees melikr a little brother

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Kinky

**Spider lady**

The people I like don’t see me the way I see them

Makes me sad

**pe** **🅱er**

fuck yoy xlimt

jus kiss thrm

thas what nrd did

**Spider lady**

can’t

**Spider lady**

I’ll ruin everything

**pe** **🅱er**

whynot

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Naaaaaat who is it

**pe** **🅱er**

jus a little smooooch

**Spider lady**

Two people

More complicated

**pe** **🅱er**

if theyget mad jus say you were kissimg thebhomies goodnight

**Spider lady**

but they’re guys

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

But whooooo. At least we can whisper about them together in russian

**Spider lady**

and I’m not

**pe** **🅱er**

they can be your homies

**Spider lady**

Clint you know them both okay

Just

**pe** **🅱er**

gossiping is BAD

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Is it steve

Bruce

**pe** **🅱er**

jk i likr gissoping

**Spider lady**

No and no

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im about to go through every guy i know

Its fury

**Spider lady**

No ew he’s like my dad

**pe** **🅱er**

om god cam we pls talk aboit my dad life

sad

**Spider lady**

Wait don’t tell fury that

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

THOR

**pe** **🅱er**

inch resting

i bet hs, got a largetaxi

don't tell anyome i said that

**Spider lady**

No

**pe** **🅱er**

does anyome else knoq you like thrm

**Spider lady**

I’d venture out and say Loki does

**pe** **🅱er**

do thry know

**Spider lady**

the people I like?

no

They don’t

makes me sad

Well, one of them used to know

**pe** **🅱er**

oh no did yhey get amnesia

**Spider lady**

no, not that

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I am your best friend i should know this

**pe** **🅱er**

well whos ms nastahsa liked

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Are you sure its not murdock

**pe** **🅱er**

its 2 peolrm

dumbass

omr of em is hkm

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh wait we agreed he was one?

**pe** **🅱er**

yes

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Bucky

**pe** **🅱er**

sjr didn't deny it

**Spider lady**

not Bucky...

**pe** **🅱er**

did yyo date em beofre

**Spider lady**

.....

**pe** **🅱er**

ok sothsrs a ues

i only onow onenprsom you dated

wait

do you like,

**Spider lady**

I’m leaving now

Sorry

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No wait i wanna know

**pe** **🅱er**

nooo ms natsahsa pls

**Spider lady**

sorry

**pe** **🅱er**

domt leave me '(

iwont say who iris

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Youve dated ppl this is not helpful

**pe** **🅱er**

ms nadtsha cani just dltell him so ge stops guesim

pls

can i itell him

pls

**Spider lady**

okay....

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Tell who what

Matt

**pe** **🅱er**

she likes you birdbraim

**Spider lady**

I’m going to hide now

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Its matt right

**pe** **🅱er**

noooo

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh fuck hang on

**pe** **🅱er**

i wamt cuddles Ms narshta pls

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Whatnat

Nat come back

Naaaaat

**pe** **🅱er**

:(

**Spider lady**

sorry

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Aw no

**pe** **🅱er**

ms natshaa i want cuddles blease

we can be ssf TOGETHER

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I would also like those pls

Nat come hereeee

**pe** **🅱er**

no yoyncalwaus get cuddlrs

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You said so i get snugs

**pe** **🅱er**

im hrr spiderbaby i GET cudles

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Omg I have to drunk search for you this is hell

**pe** **🅱er**

fukc this im hungty imegetitng a snack

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

She is not under the couch

**pe** **🅱er**

you aremt a snack wtf

**Spider lady**

Uh oh

**pe** **🅱er**

canwe cuddlrnow

pls

**Spider lady**

okay

**pe** **🅱er**

thamk you

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Couch was a bust. Closets?

**pe** **🅱er**

i found her dtupid

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What where

**pe** **🅱er**

sorty thats mean

she was in the KITCHMR

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

gd i should have guessed the kitchen

**pe** **🅱er**

s my turm to cuddlr her

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

But

**pe** **🅱er**

no :(

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

But my turn

**pe** **🅱er**

no!!! my turn

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Naaat

**pe** **🅱er**

im hungystill

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Tell him to stop

**pe** **🅱er**

:((

youcsnt be mean to me it's transphobic

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You cant be mean to me its transphobic

**Spider lady**

Clint doesn’t hate me?

**pe** **🅱er**

no it's trandphobic TO ME

no

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What no

The kid is discriminating against me

He is transphobic

**pe** **🅱er**

no yoyre discriminating agaimt me

fine youre BI PHOBIC

**pe** **🅱er**

mr climt

i have a question

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What

**pe** **🅱er**

do tou.like anyomr

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Idk i like a lot of ppl

**pe** **🅱er**

do you like mr murdock

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Hes...alright.

**pe** **🅱er**

so yes

?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nat and phil are my favorite ppl

But phil left so he sucks now

**pe** **🅱er**

so do you like mr muedock in a gay way

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

He is not...unattractive

**pe** **🅱er**

god

just say yes or no

geez

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Fine maybe

Ye

There

**pe** **🅱er**

so then

you like ms nat andmr murdock

and ms nat likes you and him

so if

he likesyoy2

all you gotta do is date

**Spider lady**

Uhm

**pe** **🅱er**

what

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What

**pe** **🅱er**

???

whatswromg

**Spider lady**

It’s fine

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Even if nat and i...

I mean matt is v catholic

**Spider lady**

sorry

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

And nat and i fucked it up before

**Spider lady**

I messed it all up

**pe** **🅱er**

???????

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nah im a trainwreck i thought we agreed???

**pe** **🅱er**

what's wrong with cotatholicm

imeant

mean

what's Not wormg with it tbh

but idk the problem rn

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

They do not like the Not Straights

**pe** **🅱er**

mr muedoxk is fine with it???

stupid

???

**Spider lady**

don’t wanna mess it up

**pe** **🅱er**

he wouldn't associate with me if hewaznt

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Eh cant mess it up more than im already messed up

Dunno about murdock tho

Not touchin that

**pe** **🅱er**

thas mean

**pe** **🅱er**

illefimd kut if he likes you tomorrow

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Whats mean i was just sayin nats outta my league

And matt is...competent

**pe** **🅱er**

oh I thought by sayimg not touching that you meant mr murdock

**Spider lady**

Matt is hot

**pe** **🅱er**

gross but good for you?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What is happening

**Spider lady**

I’m drunk

Hehe

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Same

**pe** **🅱er**

am o drnum

drunk

**Spider lady**

Yes

We drunk

**pe** **🅱er**

ah

cool

i wish iwcould date harly

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Date him

**pe** **🅱er**

m dstimg ned

**Spider lady**

I’m single hehe

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Date em both

**Spider lady**

Sad single pringle

**pe** **🅱er**

but i somr tginkwrgeu like each othrr

can i date rhem withoit them dtimg each other

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Are you single nat bc idk what just happened

**Spider lady**

Probably?

Was talking to peter there

**pe** **🅱er**

why domt you 2 jus kissalready

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I meanm yes? As long as all parties are cool?

**pe** **🅱er**

idiots

**Spider lady**

...

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean

We did do that

A while ago

It was v nice

**Spider lady**

yeah....

**pe** **🅱er**

theym

do it now

stuoid

**Spider lady**

...

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

In front of a fetus???

**pe** **🅱er**

ill close my eyes if u wmat

but i habr seen people kiss???

likr my aunt amd unclr

i miss my unclr

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No stop dont be sad

**pe** **🅱er**

s my fault

that he died

i could hrve stopprdit

_[_ Private chat created between **@Spider-Grandma :D** and **@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**. _]_

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

what

**Spider lady**

what?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im not gonna deny you a makeout sesh just bc the kid but also do you really want that

**Spider lady**

Uh

uhm

...yes

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh. Ok. Cool. Yeah im in. Wtf why didnt you tell me sooner

**Spider lady**

scared

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You? Why? Im outta your league

Wait

Youre outta my leagur

You know what i meant

**Spider lady**

thought you’d hate me

I thought Matt would hate me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I am circus trash and i could never hate you

**Spider lady**

Still think that Matt would hate me

I can’t choose

Sorry

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nah. Matt loves you. And if you have to choose go w matt. We'll be besties bo matter what

**Spider lady**

you’re sure?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yes you dummy

Matts a responsible adult

**Spider lady**

okay

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Good.

**Spider lady**

Snugs are nice

Thanks

Makes me happy

You make me happy too

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yeah well. You too. I mean. Make me happy? Oh boy that didnt make any sense

**Spider lady**

It’s okay

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I dont make sense but you get me

**Spider lady**

Yes

_[_ Private chat closed. _]_

**Spider lady**

I’m sorry kiddo

**pe** **🅱er**

s ok

i guess

**Spider lady**

Want more snugs?

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

**Spider lady**

Okay

Make Clint move over

**pe** **🅱er**

clitn move over

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No

Cant move

**pe** **🅱er**

:(((

ill cry on you

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Aw kid no

Fine

**pe** **🅱er**

tgamks

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Know i am not happy

**pe** **🅱er**

i do :)

**Spider lady**

Why am I on the bottom of the snug pile

**pe** **🅱er**

dunno

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You are the most resilient

**pe** **🅱er**

m.the strongeat

**Sheds**

What'd I miss

**pe** **🅱er**

nothin

imdrunk

**Spider lady**

...

don’t get mad at anyone

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Absolutely no things

Everything is the same and we are all sober and responsible

**pe** **🅱er**

guyssssssss

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I speak nothing but the truth

**pe** **🅱er**

'(()(

mr clitmntrrtttt

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Peberrrrr

**pe** **🅱er**

guysssssssss

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

The fuck did I just walk into.

**pe** **🅱er**

hiiiiiiiiiiiii

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Just. Quiet and all is well

Oh wade yes just what i needed

**pe** **🅱er**

I.mdedinitely not drunk

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I'm usually the dumbass, but Jesus Christ why is Peter drunk

**pe** **🅱er**

didm yoylisten to me

i jisy said imnOT

im not drumk

its lirj

youDOMT listme

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

who fed the kid booze.

**pe** **🅱er**

is it really fed

ismt that for jus food

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I came later so he was already drunk

**pe** **🅱er**

amd im FINE im noy drunk

its jusy teenage rebelliom?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Therefore not my fault

Im a little proud

**Spider lady**

My fault

**pe** **🅱er**

dambbbbbb

**Spider lady**

I’m drunk too hehe

**pe** **🅱er**

yiu rlly tryma takr the blsme but i was SO READYTO

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

ok who's atleast sober here aside from me?

**pe** **🅱er**

noomr

also im fiiiiiiiineeeee

youknow whar im doin

im doing fun thinfs

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Yes me, I haven't been on the liquor since yesterday

**pe** **🅱er**

i jus burped

kimda gross

veey funny

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

A solid burp

**pe** **🅱er**

thanks :)

**Spider lady**

I am dizzy

Uh oh

**pe** **🅱er**

heh

i still wanna kiss him '/

:/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh no go drink water and sleep

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

who gave the kid booze anyway?

**pe** **🅱er**

iwdid

**Spider lady**

I did

**pe** **🅱er**

imea criminal mastermind

shhh no yuo ddint

jeez

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Birdbrain, tell me you didn't break into Stark's liquor cabinet, not that I don't care, he's just not going to murder me for this shit and likely skin you alive.

**pe** **🅱er**

i miss harley

he's cute :(

**Spider lady**

Talk to Ned about that

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I am bird brain

**pe** **🅱er**

ohgod neds gomma breakup witj me

noooo

i need to stop likring him

only likr ned

good idea illdotgat

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Pete, I'll get you tickets to the next star wars film if you go the fuck to sleep.

**pe** **🅱er**

no :( i have a job

i can buhetbem

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

and why do you still have booze in your hand, gimme the booze.

**pe** **🅱er**

ned likrs starwars

I should tell ned

but hewill hatr me

soni cant

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What does buhetbem mean

**pe** **🅱er**

dummo

**Spider lady**

I had too much to drink

Oh no

Off

**pe** **🅱er**

im botdrumk

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Omg drink water kid

**pe** **🅱er**

you drimk ater

kid

**Spider lady**

I’m sad

**pe** **🅱er**

me TOO

**Spider lady**

I want Matt to like me too

Gonna cry now

**pe** **🅱er**

well i want to dste ned AMD barley

**Spider lady**

I want to date Clint and Matt

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nat is not allowed to cry i forbid it

**Spider lady**

M crying

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

for fucks sake, what did I get myself into.

**pe** **🅱er**

why am ialowrrd to crybhtshe cant

:(

ths mean

cuddle mr wade?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Stop cuddling w adults kid

**pe** **🅱er**

why :(

**Spider lady**

It’s not bad to cuddle

Cuddle me Clint

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Done and done.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Fuck it, move over kid, I haven't slept all day and I want these two to cuddle with us.

**pe** **🅱er**

oksy

**Spider lady**

But I want to cuddle Clint

He’s mine

Fite me

**pe** **🅱er**

well i qanna cuddle ned :(

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Am i the big spoon or the little spoon

**pe** **🅱er**

hes mine butdo i get to cuddle him???no

**Spider lady**

Big spoon

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

y'all got room for one more in that pile?

**pe** **🅱er**

ues

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Go cuddle the child

Oooh thst came out v wrong

Nvm

**Spider lady**

Wanna know why u big spoon?

I am knife

See?

Have multiple knives

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oof i mean fair but pls take knife away from my important bits

**Knife**

Sorry

Whoops

**pe** **🅱er**

god imaginr veing important

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Used to it lol

**pe** **🅱er**

mr wadr fuess whst

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

what kid?

**pe** **🅱er**

m sad :(

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No dont tell him things

**Knife**

I like snugs

**pe** **🅱er**

s nou him

**Sheds**

Hi.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Oh fuck am I fucking drunk or some shit

**pe** **🅱er**

hi m nou drunk

mot

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Wait who

**pe** **🅱er**

not

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Shit I almost made a Mistake

**pe** **🅱er**

im not drumk

jus so youknow

**Knife**

I am

And I like snugs

**pe** **🅱er**

shhhhhb he'll mnow

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

oh fuck I'm getting sleepy.

I shouldn't have ate all those shrooms on the way here.

Whoops

**Sheds**

Who let the kid have alcohol?

**pe** **🅱er**

noome

cos m sober

silltgoose

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Scary Lady.. my fingers are getting numb

**Knife**

My bad Bucky

**Sheds**

Natasha.

**pe** **🅱er**

ikenoT drunk

ffs

**Sheds**

I'll be having words with your father, young lady.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Pete why are you suddenly looking so animated?

Fuck why am I looking animated

**Knife**

We supervised okay

**pe** **🅱er**

imebeing SO CLEAR

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

IM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT

SPIDER'S CRAWLING ON ME

**Knife**

Better than being tempted or sneaking drinks

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I'm freaking out man, I shouldn't have bought those taco shrooms from the back of the taco bell.

Can someone knock me the fuck out?

**Knife**

No

**pe** **🅱er**

how

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I'm giving you the opportunity to shut me up widow.

**Knife**

I’m cuddling

Just shhh

**pe** **🅱er**

how do you wamt me too

cos i totalu will

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Fine, guess I'll ride this mind fuck out with snugs.

**pe** **🅱er**

oh

k

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I want taco bell

**Knife**

Yes

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

jus...order it online scary bird creature

he...thos shrooms fucked up the last of my brain cells.

**pe** **🅱er**

i donmtwfeel good

**Knife**

Garbage can

Here

**pe** **🅱er**

noooo

im SAD not sick

**Knife**

Oh okay

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Give it to me.

I'm about to hurl

**Knife**

K

**pe** **🅱er**

do it away from me

grsos

**Knife**

Clint I’m gonna steal one of Matt’s hoodies or shirts or something cause I want one

**pe** **🅱er**

csm you grab me a hoodie from yhe closet i left at least 2 here

**Knife**

Yes

Here

**pe** **🅱er**

thsnks

im still bindin woops

brb

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Mind throwing me a sweat shirt?

This one smells of weed, booze and regret

**pe** **🅱er**

me too :/

**Knife**

Mine

I want them

But sure

**pe** **🅱er**

im drunk

**Knife**

Me too

**pe** **🅱er**

cam i have abothr

**Knife**

No

**pe** **🅱er**

why

why you haaaatreeee meeee

**Knife**

I don’t

Help help help

**pe** **🅱er**

D:

helpwith whst

**Knife**

I’m stuck

He won’t let go

**pe** **🅱er**

who???

**Knife**

Clint

Won’t let go

Help

**pe** **🅱er**

oh

ok

**Knife**

Thanks

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

**Knife**

My leg fell asleep

**pe** **🅱er**

f

ohgod

mrmur docks gonna groumd ne

**Knife**

He can’t

By the way

Steal his bed

**pe** **🅱er**

??? tes he csm

ok

but im not going bed uet

**Knife**

Just crash there when you do

I’m taking a pillow though

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

why?

**Knife**

I’m taking the couch

Need a pillow

**pe** **🅱er**

ah

i mwant

why Should i crash there

**Knife**

Cause it’ll help you not feel like shit tomorrow

**pe** **🅱er**

mk

**Knife**

Wade is taking the floor

I’ll share the couch with Clint

**pe** **🅱er**

xool

s clomt asleep

are you goim to bed?

**Knife**

Not yet

**pe** **🅱er**

.k

mk*

km wake

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Can I atleast get a pillow?

**pe** **🅱er**

he

yea

im sleepy

**Sheds**

Hello. I love you all. Goodbye.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Hey Pete, does Murdock have any pillows lying around here?

**pe** **🅱er**

hrn

ehod oere

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Bud I can't understand

**pe** **🅱er**

:(

m awakr

god i wish i wamt

wasmt

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

You have a pillow I can use Parker.

**pe** **🅱er**

whosparker

OH

syes

**Knife**

No

**pe** **🅱er**

???

he can have the pillow you're not using

i odmt need it

**Knife**

Yes you do

I’ll get the pillows from the hall closet

**pe** **🅱er**

okau

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

That's what I originally asked but Pete didn't hear me.

**pe** **🅱er**

i can't hear:/

im deaf

emotionally

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

All good bud.

Thanks widow

**pe** **🅱er**

im so awakr

im gonan drink water

im tgrisrty

oh god i tripped

let's take a vote

will mr murdock kill mw

yes/no

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Did you break the glass??

**pe** **🅱er**

noooo

why

did i

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Your hands are bleeding so take a hint?

**pe** **🅱er**

that sucks

**Knife**

Spiderbaby hurt?

**pe** **🅱er**

lilbit

s not bad

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Well lemme wrap them up kid and I'll make you a new glass

**pe** **🅱er**

thamks

mr murdocks gon kill meeeeee

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

He won't kill ya

He's gonna kill us more likely

**pe** **🅱er**

not about the glass

aboit the Dru nk

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

We will worry about that in the morning.

**pe** **🅱er**

it IS morning

but ok

im not alive

**Knife**

Me too

**pe** **🅱er**

cool


	13. love advice from avengers pt 1

_[_ 8:27 AM _]_

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Jesus Christ, that was a total mindfuck

Wasn't I in a Russian Gulag?

How tf did I wind up in murdock's apartment

Oh wait now I remember

Oh do I?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Why the fuck are you in my house.

**pe** **🅱er**

m uP

hi mr muedock i was also in your house sorry

**Not Peter’s Dad**

That's always fine.

What's not fine is that you smell like alcohol.

**pe** **🅱er**

uh

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Talk. Now.

Oh my god, it's all gone.

**pe** **🅱er**

whay

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You drank most of my alcohol.

Wow.

**pe** **🅱er**

i did NOT

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Peter.

Look.

It's gone.

It is gone.

**pe** **🅱er**

it wasnt jus me and i dont even know what's what so i didn't get anything from there so it wasn't me

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

How much did you have, then?

**pe** **🅱er**

i dunno

a few drinks i guess?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not with that metabolism.

**pe** **🅱er**

are you going to tell aunt may

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Kid, I have to.

**pe** **🅱er**

no you don't r

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You know I do.

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

what do you thimk she'll sau

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I imagine she'll be worried. I know I am.

**pe** **🅱er**

why

**Not Peter’s Dad**

If you just got drunk at a party or something, I would probably just be mad, but that's pretty normal teen behavior. Drinking by yourself means something is wrong.

**pe** **🅱er**

wasn't by mysrlf

nothings wrong tho i gyess

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You know I don't believe that.

**pe** **🅱er**

which part

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Second.

**pe** **🅱er**

ah

i dunno

it wasn't like I did it becausr something was wrong

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I don't know Peter.

I texted your aunt.

She's coming to pick you up.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

is she mad

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Dunno.

Definitely worried.

**pe** **🅱er**

im fine

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sure.

**pe** **🅱er**

i am

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Kid, frankly speaking, there is nothing on this Earth you could say right now to make me believe that.

**pe** **🅱er**

sorry

**Not Peter’s Dad**

It's okay.

Just let us help you.

**pe** **🅱er**

with waht

i dont Understnad

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Dunno.

Why'd you drink?

**pe** **🅱er**

ive never been drunk before

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Is that really it?

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

mostly

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Mostly, but also?

**pe** **🅱er**

um

youre gonne be mad

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm not. I promise.

**pe** **🅱er**

s jus that lately .

some people have gotten drunk and it's not like i really wanna get like drunk and cry or whatever with yall but like

i dunno i guess i just wanted to know what it's like

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Christ, kid, why didn't you say anything?

**pe** **🅱er**

what should i have even said

**Not Peter’s Dad**

That our drinking makes you uncomfortable. I would've stopped.

**pe** **🅱er**

s not thay

s just like if yall keep doimg it what's so good about it yknow

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I shouldn't be drinking around you so much, anyways. I'm sorry, kid.

**pe** **🅱er**

s fine

**Not Peter’s Dad**

It's really not.

**pe** **🅱er**

eh

i wasnt gomma

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Kid, I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. Do as I say, not as I do.

**pe** **🅱er**

uh

yikes i guess

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yeah. Sorry for dumping that on you, but I need to make it clear that my behavior is not normal. Most people just drink when they're at like, parties or out with friends or whatever.

**pe** **🅱er**

a h

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Don't do that again. I don't want you ending up like me.

**pe** **🅱er**

oksy

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I promise I'm going to stop drinking around you so much.

**pe** **🅱er**

s not a big deal

**Not Peter’s Dad**

It is.

**pe** **🅱er**

okay iguess

do you think im gonna be grounded

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Dunno, maybe.

**pe** **🅱er**

hhhhhhhhh

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not really up to me. Sorry.

**pe** **🅱er**

i know

sorry about your alcohol

**Not Peter’s Dad**

It's fine. Probably not great to have that much in the house anyways.

**pe** **🅱er**

i dunno

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Underage drinking? I wouldnt know anything about that.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Suspicious. I'm going to kick your ass now.

**pe** **🅱er**

mr murdock PLEASE dont

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Absolutely I will.

**pe** **🅱er**

he didn't come over until after we had started tho

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

In fairness everyone was drunk when I got there

Seemed kind of pointless to stop him at that point

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay. Natasha is dead.

**pe** **🅱er**

no please dont kill her

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Wade is as close as I can get him.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Dont kill her please. We had a moment

**Not Peter’s Dad**

A moment?

**pe** **🅱er**

it's not her fault

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Dont worry about it but alcohol was definitely necessary

**Not Peter’s Dad**

No. I want an explanation.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Idk what it was and idk if it means anything now anyway bc Sober

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Talk or I skin you.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Woah ok that went from 0 to 100 in like 2 seconds

**pe** **🅱er**

mr muedock that seems a little extreme

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I just. We're not. As over each other as we thought is all

Can i keep my skin?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I need it

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'll consider it.

**pe** **🅱er**

please don't hate ms natasha

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'll consider it.

**pe** **🅱er**

s not her fault

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im w the kid

Nobody got hurt and everything's fine except maybe your stash which...i do feel a little bad about

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Eh. I was gonna dump it anyways. Mostly.

**pe** **🅱er**

i think aunt mays gonna kill me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I think im gonna kill me

**pe** **🅱er**

:/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

This is why i dont drink w Natasha

**pe** **🅱er**

she says she's jus worried

ugh

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

**pe** **🅱er**

uh oh

ok aunt mays NOT grounding me she says she's just worried

**country roads take me home**

mornin hoes

**pe** **🅱er**

oh

hey

**country roads take me home**

mronin

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

**country roads take me home**

mornin*

**pe** **🅱er**

im not grounded can i get a Heck Yeah

_[_ 10:24 AM _]_

**pe** **🅱er**

ok im back

aunt may wanted to talk 

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sounds about right.

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

im so tirrd

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sleep.

**pe** **🅱er**

no :(

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I tried.

**pe** **🅱er**

i know

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Thanks.

**pe** **🅱er**

ye

mr murdock what do you do when you like someone

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Absolutely nothing, but you probably shouldn't do that.

**pe** **🅱er**

no i mean like maybe i should

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Ask your aunt. She's good at human interaction.

**pe** **🅱er**

i cant

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Why?

**pe** **🅱er**

because i think im a bad boyfriend

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Elaborate.

**pe** **🅱er**

i cant

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

Talk to Ned about it.

**pe** **🅱er**

no

no i cant do that

that is like

number one on what i cannot do

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Are you cheating?

**pe** **🅱er**

NO

no

i wouldnt do that

you know i wouldnt

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not sure what the issue is, then. Can't help if you won't tell me. I won't judge, unless your cheating, which you're not.

Cheating is uncool.

**pe** **🅱er**

i know

thats why im not cheating

and also i couldnt even if i wanted to

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay, then what's the issue?

**pe** **🅱er**

hhhhhhhhhhhh

ok so

i like ned right

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Presumably.

**pe** **🅱er**

and thats all cool and good and i REALLY like him and i dont wanna mess anything up

but uh

i think i like someone else too

**Not Peter’s Dad**

At the same time?

**pe** **🅱er**

ye

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Huh.

**pe** **🅱er**

what

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Thinking.

**pe** **🅱er**

hhhhhhh

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You should probably tell Ned.

**pe** **🅱er**

why

he will cry

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Because you don't not like him, right?

**pe** **🅱er**

what

i like ned

**Not Peter’s Dad**

He'll notice something is wrong eventually. He's perceptive.

Might as well get it out with.

Better to hear it coming from you than anyone else. Sign of trust and respect.

**pe** **🅱er**

no one else would tell him

and what if i just like

idk stop talking to the other person and then i get over it

**Not Peter’s Dad**

That's not fair to them, if you're friends.

Or to Ned.

He deserves to know.

**pe** **🅱er**

hhhhhhhhh

but what if he gets mad and breaks up with me

i dont wanna ruin it i really like him

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Well you're going to feel worse if you don't tell him.

**pe** **🅱er**

and it would mess up our friendship too and i only have like 4 friends so it would really suck

**Not Peter’s Dad**

And if he finds out by himself, it is much more likely he would be mad than if you told him.

And he will, eventually.

**pe** **🅱er**

how do you know

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Like I said, he's observant.

Plus, you're as easy to read as a book.

**pe** **🅱er**

i am not

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You really are.

**pe** **🅱er**

you didnt know i liked anyone else until now!

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yeah, but I knew something was wrong.

**pe** **🅱er**

how

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Because you drank, and also you're holding yourself like a kicked puppy. I imagine your face matches.

**pe** **🅱er**

not why i drank actually

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Ehhhh.

**pe** **🅱er**

i just,,,, figured it out AFTER i drank

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Uhuh.

**pe** **🅱er**

im not very good at recognizing my feelings

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Well everyone else is.

**pe** **🅱er**

:/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Seriously kid. I would tell him.

**pe** **🅱er**

i dont think this is the kind of thing you tell soemone over text

and hes still grounded

so

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Alright, but do it as soon as you can.

**pe** **🅱er**

what do i do about the other person i like

**Not Peter’s Dad**

In what respect?

**pe** **🅱er**

how do i stop liking them

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I do not have an appropriate response to that. Ask your aunt.

And I'd tell her about this whole thing, too. She can definitely help more than I can.

**pe** **🅱er**

hhhhhhhh

mr murdock have you ever liked 2 people at once

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I don't think so.

**pe** **🅱er**

that sucks

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Why?

**pe** **🅱er**

oh

um

no reason?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay?

First Foggy, now this.

**pe** **🅱er**

what

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Why are you so invested in my love life?

**pe** **🅱er**

im not

also the foggy thing was mostly jokes

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Squint.

**pe** **🅱er**

im not invested

i was just wondering

unrelated to anything

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Squint.

**pe** **🅱er**

it is!

definitely

oh god i cant keep secrets

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Mhm.

**pe** **🅱er**

im just

saying

i dont know anything else for sure

**pe** **🅱er**

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Squint.

**pe** **🅱er**

i was just wonDering

if you

maybe liked anyone thats ALL

_[_ 2:26 PM _]_

**pe** **🅱er**

im bored

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Perish.

**pe** **🅱er**

maybe i will

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cool.

**pe** **🅱er**

D:

**Not Peter’s Dad**

B)

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

boomer

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cool.

**pe** **🅱er**

NOT cool

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Eh.

**pe** **🅱er**

im hhhhhhhhhngngng

**Not Peter’s Dad**

When aren't you.

**pe** **🅱er**

idk

ned texted me

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Uhuh.

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

idk

im scared he will know somethins off

do you think he will

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Dunno.

**pe** **🅱er**

AAAAA

**antay anmay**

I have never met Ned, but if he’s the kind of guy you seem to say he is, I’m sure he’ll understand feelings are feelings. You like someone else? What could you do about it? You’re just being honest about your feelings, and actions, not feelings, are the driving factor in any functional relationship.

Also who knows? Maybe you three can hit it off and become a throuple

**pe** **🅱er**

oh god i DONT think that they would like each other

idk theyve never met

theyd be friends i think

but idk about liking eachother like thst

**antay anmay**

Well they don’t have to meet

All that matters is you do your part in honesty

**pe** **🅱er**

i guess

do you know how to stop liking someone by any chance

**antay anmay**

Not without stopping liking everyone

Try imagining them in the grossest situation possible

That has worked for me...with my ex-wife

But only temporarily

Idk man, love is love

**pe** **🅱er**

i really cant like them tho fggdjgjdjdg

it Will ruin friendshi[

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Throuple.

**pe** **🅱er**

what about throuples

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I dunno, that word just entertains me.(edited)

**pe** **🅱er**

ah

inch resting

**pe** **🅱er**

i think i get stupider everyday

**Not Peter’s Dad**

*More stupid.

**pe** **🅱er**

my point exactly

im vistin mj and her cats

and

i think mj KNOWS

oh god maybe i hsould just hide from all my fruebds until i talk to ned

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sounds like a good plan.

**pe** **🅱er**

thanks im glad you agree

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Uhuh.

**pe** **🅱er**

oh

wait

were you being sarcastic

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yes.

**pe** **🅱er**

why,

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Because that's stupid.

**pe** **🅱er**

nah

it will stop them from being able to tell??


	14. love advice from avengers pt 2

**pe** **🅱er**

my finger huets

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

dont tell me you got stabbed in the finger

**pe** **🅱er**

???

why would i get stabbed in the finger

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

no idea

you said your finger hurt

**pe** **🅱er**

no i just bit my nails ??

nervous habit

but like a lot

it's annoying

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

gotcha. isnt there like a gross spray you can put on your nails that tastes real bad?

**pe** **🅱er**

probably

what would i do with all my nervous energy then tho

walk around the room in circles? probably

that's what im doing right now

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

why are you nervous

**pe** **🅱er**

cos im out of nails to bite

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

nat got me a lil cube w stuff on every side to like fidget with

**pe** **🅱er**

i used to have one of those

i think i lost it

and im out of gum so kitchen walk time

but im getting dizzy

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

maybe try sitting?

**pe** **🅱er**

bruh

how do you ghozt someone without ghosting them

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

who are you trying to ghost

i need context

**pe** **🅱er**

i need to avoid 3-4 people for like a week

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

context

**pe** **🅱er**

ned an mj and maybe shuri and barley

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

but why. aren't they your friends?

**pe** **🅱er**

yes

that is why

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

you lost me

**pe** **🅱er**

i have to talk to ned but it's not the kind of conversation i should have over text

he got his grounding down to a weej

week

im very easy to read

so i need to not talk to anyone until i resolve the issue

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

get really busy i guess.

**pe** **🅱er**

with what

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

idk you're spider-man

**pe** **🅱er**

hmm i could patrol extra

good idea

but what if they know im avoiding rhem

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

blame stark

**pe** **🅱er**

good idea

i just hit the wall

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Nice.

**pe** **🅱er**

thanks :)

wait were you being sarcastic again

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

like your face?

**pe** **🅱er**

who's face

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

idk did you hit the wall w your face?

**pe** **🅱er**

no my hip :/

ok im dizy time to stop this

my neighbors are being loud

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

throw a shoe at the wall

gently

**pe** **🅱er**

no

i feel bad for them :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

you're too nice

**pe** **🅱er**

nah

im not nice enough :/

**pe** **🅱er**

**@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law** your plan didnT WORK

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

what

why

**pe** **🅱er**

im supposed to take one day off a week from patrol right

cos of like mr stark being a dad or whatever

and

tuesdays are the night i do that

AND mj and ned kNOW That

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

you cant just

go out anyway?

i mean come crash here if you need an excuse

**pe** **🅱er**

what do you meannnnnnnnnnn

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i have a mission and i need you to watch my dog

**pe** **🅱er**

oh thank god

bless ur soul

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

in reality i will just be sitting here but like

if anyone asks

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

thanks

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

no prob. lucky likes you

**pe** **🅱er**

i would die for lucky

i HOPE i die for lucky

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

he wouldn't let you. that dog has taken bullets for me when i TOLD HIM NOT TO

**pe** **🅱er**

impressive

are you sure hes a dog

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

no he is a bad listener

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

no he is a bad listener

**pe** **🅱er**

so am i and yall still love me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

this is true

**pe** **🅱er**

big brain

how was your day clitn

clint

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

lots of paperwork. very boring. you?

**pe** **🅱er**

had to have A Serious Talk with mr murdock AND aunt may so not that fun

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

oh yuck why

**pe** **🅱er**

the whole getting drunk thing

apparently its worrying

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

oh shit

yeah ok that's a little bit my bad

**pe** **🅱er**

s cool

mr murdock told me hes an alcoholic and going to stop drinking in front of me so that was cool iguess

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

that is...fair. i should also probably be better about that

**pe** **🅱er**

oh god thats not what i meant

sorry

geez

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

no i mean. it's true

**pe** **🅱er**

i wouldnt really know

**pe** **🅱er**

i wish dogs could purr

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

what no why

**pe** **🅱er**

so i could know what made them happiest

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

that's what the leg shake is about

**pe** **🅱er**

but purrs

clint do you have any tips on how to stop liking someone

im asking everyone how to do it and no one knows

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

why

you...dont really?

**pe** **🅱er**

ugh

thats what they all say

but i had HOPE

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Birdbrain.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

dickpool

i say that fondly

still not my best

**pe** **🅱er**

readpool

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Wanna go back in time with me Birdy.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

what why. when?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

i stole a little time wrist watch from cable, and so with my equally brain power, I can travel to any point in history and to any point in the multiverse.

So where do you wanna go

**pe** **🅱er**

is this harry potter

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

don't mention that, J.K Rowling can go fuck herself.

**pe** **🅱er**

FRICK im biting my nails again

whos that, we all know daniel radcliffe wrote harry potter

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Exactly

**pe** **🅱er**

my nails be like ooga booga time to hurt

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

ooga booga it's time to go to the stone ages

I want my own pet dino.

Will it affect history? Possibly.

**pe** **🅱er**

just get a chicken???

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Ooga booga my leg is bruised and I don't remember why.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

i think im ok without tripping through time

**pe** **🅱er**

you got pushed off a building

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

^^^

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Oh yeah.

**pe** **🅱er**

BRUh

when did it become this time

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

now?

**pe** **🅱er**

that makes no SEnSe

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yes it does

it became this time at this time

**pe** **🅱er**

D:

ooga booga :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

oOgA bOoGa

**pe** **🅱er**

are you making fun of me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

yes

**pe** **🅱er**

thats mean

fuck you, specifically

Yes

**pe** **🅱er**

thats mENA

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

and your catchphrase

**pe** **🅱er**

D:

its not a catchphrase

its my pain phrase

i say it when im in pain

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

you are in pain...a lot

**pe** **🅱er**

yes

sometimes its emotional pain

im bored

I need a hobby :/

mr murdock suggested gardening

you know like

when you breathe

is it normal for your side to feel weird

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

if you messed up a rib i guess

**pe** **🅱er**

i don't think i did

yo im hella dizzy wtf

OH it's because im tired

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Go to sleep spider child

**pe** **🅱er**

om not a childddddd

you go to bed

spider child

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I am definitely not a child

**pe** **🅱er**

or a spider

but here we are

i can't sleep im gsy

maybe i need a more consistent sleep schedule

you're supposed to have that

right

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im not the right guy to ask

**pe** **🅱er**

ok boomee

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

But...yes?

**pe** **🅱er**

grods

disgusting

horrifying

ugh

i need to go home

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Have we successfully avoided everyone for the night

**pe** **🅱er**

dk

i tried btw

to help you and ms natahsa out

difnt work

sorry

om gonna passtge fuck out

goodnight '(

dw ill probably be here weirdly early

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Night kid

**pe** **🅱er**

HA that won't work

i can't sleep i tried for 10 minutes :/

nvm trying again i hate life

my screen is blurring am i going crazy

_[_ 11:53 PM _]_

**pe** **🅱er**

GUYS!!!!!!

GIYS!!!!!!!

GUYS I

GUYS

area 51 was . 9 months ago. so if someone went and yknow. had a friendship with am alien. the alien would be popping out like. right this month

there's gonna be alien babies soon

im cryiting

**pe** **🅱er**

**@mr stonks** i NEED you to know this mr stork

**mr stonks**

it depends, whether the alien is male or female, such as will the alien sperm fertilize a human egg, or a human sperm fertilizes a female egg

If they develop faster or slower in the womb if they do fertilize, they might be a still born, or if they are getting the nutrients they need from a human diet etc

**pe** **🅱er**

D:

mr stork im having ISSUES

**mr stonks**

okay, yes there are potentially baby aliens

**pe** **🅱er**

yES

baby alien baby alien 

mr stank. i think. im going to get broken up with

mr stank

 **@mr stonks** mr stark .

**mr stonks**

talk to ned?

like discuss the issue with ned

Communication is the path to a healthy realationship

**pe** **🅱er**

i cANT

He's still grounded

**mr stonks**

you... are spider man...

you can just

**pe** **🅱er**

YEAH BUT I DONT WANNA GET HIM IN TROUVLE

**mr stonks**

you.... are spider MAN Be sneaky

**pe** **🅱er**

his mom's SUCH a light sleeper shE WOULF KNOW

**mr stonks**

pass notes through his window

**pe** **🅱er**

ITS NOT THE KIND OF THING YOU PASS THRU ON A NOTE

**mr stonks**

THATS FAIR

**pe** **🅱er**

i like someone.

**mr stonks**

okay

you like someone other than ned?

or both ned and said person?

**pe** **🅱er**

both

and i cant say anything to the other person

and i can't tell ned but i HAVE TO

but since he will kNOW something is up i have to avoid him for a week until he's ungrounded so we can talk

**mr stonks**

or

pull him aside and talk to him

**pe** **🅱er**

WHen

s my fault he's GROUNDED i don't wanna make it longer

**mr stonks**

i dunno kid

you might just have to deal with it

**pe** **🅱er**

with waiting

,?

mr stark do you think he will break up with me

**mr stonks**

um

knowing ned

possibly not

i think all 3 of you need to have a disscussion, lay down ground rules etc

it sucks hes grounded

**pe** **🅱er**

what do you MEAN ground rules

the other person CANNOT know i like them they will hate me

**mr stonks**

then

you might be poly? cause if you like ned

and you like another person

**pe** **🅱er**

but i cant date them

they see me as a little brother

**mr stonks**

you maybe dont know that?

**pe** **🅱er**

rip to me

**mr stonks**

R.I.P.

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

**mr stonks**

also are they in the group chat cause they might see this and be like "oh wow i said that"

**pe** **🅱er**

uh

no

they wont

probably

i hope

WAIT

YOY KNOW WHO IT IS DONT YOU

**mr stonks**

:)

**pe** **🅱er**

MR STORK

does He talk to you about his Interests,

**mr stonks**

potato guns

**pe** **🅱er**

i mean

im

um

like

his crushes

**mr stonks**

no i havent talked to him in awhile actually

**pe** **🅱er**

Ah

inch resting

i think im tired

**mr stonks**

go to bed spider kid?

**pe** **🅱er**

im ammmmmm

**mr stonks**

night


	15. hi my name's peter parker and i CANNOT keep a secret

_[_ 3:14 PM _]_

**pe** **🅱er**

i have a rock in my mouth

gonna put another in it

OW it hit my tooth

i think i have the same amount of braincells as a toddler

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yeah.

_[_ 8:48 PM _]_

**Knife**

I agree

**pe** **🅱er**

YO

thats MEAN

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Why are you like this

**pe** **🅱er**

D:

mr clint PLS

**Knife**

No one will ever figure out why he’s like this

**pe** **🅱er**

ms natasha PLS

**fuck you, specifically**

It's bc he's a white boy

**pe** **🅱er**

SHURI pPLS

be nice :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

**Knife**

White people suck

**fuck you, specifically**

Hey what do you call a thief's shoes

**pe** **🅱er**

sneakers

bad joke

**fuck you, specifically**

Eyyyyyyy

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh shit

**Knife**

What

**pe** **🅱er**

im shook

mj wants me to come oveR??????????

what

wHY

**Knife**

Do it

**pe** **🅱er**

i told her im BUSY

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

he cant

**pe** **🅱er**

she told me i am not too busy for her OH SHIT

**Knife**

Don’t question a powerful woman

**pe** **🅱er**

I HAVE TO

SHE WILL KNOW

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

He's keeping Secrets

**pe** **🅱er**

she will HURT ME

im terrified of mj

**Knife**

Good luck kid

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Go be a normal teen and sneak into neds room

**pe** **🅱er**

i told her i have to patrol and she goes "you already were out today and youll be out later. come over or ill tell ned that you definitely have a secret because hes already worried"

hHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

do i tell her

or do i go over to neds

**Knife**

Yes

**pe** **🅱er**

or do i just GHOST her

**Knife**

Don’t do the last one

**pe** **🅱er**

whY NOT

**Knife**

It’ll just be worse for you

Trust me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Can confirm last one is a bad idea

**pe** **🅱er**

yea iK NOW but idk

I kNow*

**fuck you, specifically**

...

**pe** **🅱er**

what

**fuck you, specifically**

who's Zendaya????

**pe** **🅱er**

oh god

oh

actres?? looks vaguely similar to mj

**fuck you, specifically**

She cute,,,

**pe** **🅱er**

hey dont tell mj my secret btw ok

**fuck you, specifically**

About your country boy?

**pe** **🅱er**

oh god

**fuck you, specifically**

She already knows :/

**pe** **🅱er**

NO

NO

DID YOU TELL HER

IS SHE MAD

DID SHE TELL HIM

**fuck you, specifically**

Bruh

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

tbf i think everyone knows

**pe** **🅱er**

HE DOESNT

**Knife**

Tell him

**pe** **🅱er**

NO

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

youre not subtle kid

**Knife**

To be fair I’m being a hypocrite

**pe** **🅱er**

im subtle :/ i never know that i like someone until after someone else tells me i do

**Knife**

That’s fair

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Upsettingly familiar

**pe** **🅱er**

thanks :)

sorry but your,

Love Interest

isnt able to tell if he likes you or not

so

**Knife**

Thanks I’m hiding now

**pe** **🅱er**

me too

**Knife**

Hide with me?

We can have a party

**pe** **🅱er**

**@fuck you, specifically** is she mad

no i think mj and i need to talk

and . ned and i i guess

**Knife**

Good luck

I’m avoiding my own talk

**pe** **🅱er**

nice

 **@fuck you, specifically** SHURi

you cant just

sAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT

and then LEAVE

**Knife**

I mean

At least she didn’t @ anyone

**pe** **🅱er**

she wouldnt/

.

**Knife**

That’s nice

Good friend

**pe** **🅱er**

i dont think?

she would

at least

 **@fuck you, specifically** shuri.

**pe** **🅱er**

im gonna die

she messaged me again

**Not Peter’s Dad**

What I miss.

**pe** **🅱er**

mj knows :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cool.

**pe** **🅱er**

No

not cool

she's going to kiLL ME

**Knife**

That’s nice

You’ll be okay

**pe** **🅱er**

i

no

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

P sure you wont die

**pe** **🅱er**

i WILL

im more likely to die the longer i DONT go

**pe** **🅱er**

guys im scared for my life

she keeps textING ME

**fuck you, specifically**

Then go, spiderboy

**pe** **🅱er**

HEY

you

is she mad at me

about the

yknow

thing

**Not Peter’s Dad**

What thing?

**pe** **🅱er**

nhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the CRUSH thing

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Oh, that.

**pe** **🅱er**

mj knows.

and she WONT STOP texTing me

oH GOD

guys.

mj is HERE???

she is knocking on the door wtf

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Let her in.

**pe** **🅱er**

she let herself in

and she is CURRENTLY telling me off for not tslking to ned yet

_[_ 10:16 PM _]_

**pe** **🅱er**

guys

mj was MAD MAD

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Damn.

**pe** **🅱er**

yeah

**Knife**

Good job kid

**pe** **🅱er**

im sneaking in thru neds window in. like 30 minutes so wish me luck

or help now with advice because iM SO SCATED

SCARED

**Knife**

It’s okay

**pe** **🅱er**

hes

going to kill me

 **@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law** im gonna sneak in his window so be proud

**Knife**

Good luck kiddo

**pe** **🅱er**

Hjgngngngn

im gonna DIE ms natasha

**Knife**

No you’re not

I promise

**pe** **🅱er**

hhhnnngnngn

**Knife**

I’m more likely to die than you for the same reasons kid

**pe** **🅱er**

inch resting

**Knife**

You’ll be fine

**pe** **🅱er**

bet

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yes do it

**mr stonks**

You got this kid

**pe** **🅱er**

GBHH

im going

wish me luck

**Knife**

Good luck

Anyone want an enchilada?

**pe** **🅱er**

can i come get one after

**Knife**

Yes

**pe** **🅱er**

thank you

**Knife**

No problem

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yes i always want an enchilada

**Knife**

Okay

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Are you coming to me or am I coming to you

_[_ 11:18 PM _]_

**pe** **🅱er**

where are you guys

can i come there

pls

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean im just. Home.

I thought you were w ned

**pe** **🅱er**

can i come there

please?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yes? You good?

**pe** **🅱er**

duno

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Party at my place i guess...

Nat bring enchiladas pls

**pe** **🅱er**

he uh

wants some time

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ah yeah. He'll be fine. Just give him a minute. It can be a lot

**pe** **🅱er**

i don't know if he wants to continue dating. or not

cool cool cool time to stop thinking 

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No alcohol. Just bad reality tv.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

what if he breaks up with me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

He wont. And if he does itll suck but youll be ok. Dont worry about it now. Nothin you can do

**pe** **🅱er**

jokes on you i can't just stop worrying

hhbfbbgbbggf

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Turn off your brain

**pe** **🅱er**

i CANT

can i walk around your kitchen in circles

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean yeah but lucky will follow you

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

im fine with rhat

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Theres leftover pizza if you want any

**pe** **🅱er**

thank u

your kitchen is nice to walk around in

I rate it 7/13

mr clint.

how did you make friends in the circus

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

So your boi scored a date with a girl.

**pe** **🅱er**

nice proud of you

my boyfriend told me he needed Some Time so we are on the opposite sides of life

**Knife**

Oh man, sorry kiddo

Still want that enchilada?

**pe** **🅱er**

sure im at mr clints

im kinda freakin out

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Turns out she is the living embodiment of death itself

**pe** **🅱er**

nice

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Only problem, this big grape Josh brolin look a like motherfucker is trying to get with her as well.

I forget his name

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Enchilada party?

**pe** **🅱er**

hi mr murdock

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hey kid. How'd it go?

**pe** **🅱er**

uh

he wants some time

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fair enough.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I just remembered it, his name was Thanos, dumb name for a alien I'd say.

**pe** **🅱er**

it's fair but it's also rlly making my anxiety go 

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Who the hell is Josh Brolin?

**Knife**

Enchilada party

**pe** **🅱er**

which sounds mean ig idk he deserves time i don't mind i just like Oh Frick im really scared

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Understandable.

Also where is the party?

**Knife**

Clints place

**pe** **🅱er**

mr clints place

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cool. Be there in five.

Kid, you want an enchilada?

**pe** **🅱er**

yea im already here

i came here after to walk around mr clints kitchen

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sweet.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

If my date goes well, looks like I don't have to have the crippling thought of actually dying.

now should I worry about this Thanos person? Apparently she's told me he wants to destroy the universe or some shit, pfffft like that's ever gonna happen.

**pe** **🅱er**

i mean what's he done before

like if he hasn't done anything we know of before idk if it's rlly a huge deal yknw

sometimes i wanna destroy the universe

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Same.

**Knife**

Mood

**Not Peter’s Dad**

If he's a grape I doubt you have too much to worry about.

**Knife**

I’ll stab the grape looking fucker

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Wonder if Loki would have any answers.

**pe** **🅱er**

stabbing is mean but go ahead

why

OH they're an alien

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Open the door. Who locks the door to a party?

**pe** **🅱er**

sorry

**Knife**

Uh I’m hiding now

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Natasha, are you dying?

**pe** **🅱er**

i got the doordw

no she's uh

mentally ill?

**Knife**

Not dying

Also rude

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Oh. My bad.

**pe** **🅱er**

pregnant?

idk

**Knife**

No

**pe** **🅱er**

im bad at lYING IM SORRY

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I thought

**Knife**

I can’t be

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay.

**pe** **🅱er**

i can't lie OKAY

**Knife**

K

Just avoid the topic

**pe** **🅱er**

sorry im freakin out

what if he never wants me to talk to him again

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Calm down kid, I'm sure it'll be fine.

**pe** **🅱er**

despite popular belief i cannot just Calm Down

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fair enough. Have an enchilada.

**pe** **🅱er**

i already had one

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You're a bottomless pit. Have another.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

**Not Peter’s Dad**

By the way, these smell amazing. Clint make these?

**Knife**

I did

**pe** **🅱er**

mr clint can't cook

fool,

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I am the fool.

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

sorry

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I ended up bringing burritos as well if y'all are hungry still.

**pe** **🅱er**

I'm NdbfnfjfjdDJFJ what if mj AND ned start hating me

**Knife**

They won’t

**Not Peter’s Dad**

They won't.

**pe** **🅱er**

HOW DO YOU KNOW

and what's the POINT of liking him harley doesn't even like me back

and he's never going to so why do i have to Hgbggbggbbbg

**Not Peter’s Dad**

They would literally both die for you. I doubt this is a dealbreaker, at least friendship-wise.

**pe** **🅱er**

oh god

do you think the curse will kill friends too

oh god oH fucK

**Knife**

No

It won’t

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Don't be an idiot.

**Knife**

There is no curse kiddo

**pe** **🅱er**

i CANT HELP IT

I'm just like this

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Do you need a slap?

**pe** **🅱er**

nO???? what would that do????

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Dunno. Works in the movies.

**pe** **🅱er**

I,

those are stage slaps ??? usually???

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Wonder if I could find a book on thanos, that name sounds familiar

Like from a comic book.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fuck comic books.

**pe** **🅱er**

comic books are cool

D:

**Not Peter’s Dad**

B)

**pe** **🅱er**

hhfnfngncncfnfjfj im gonna go cry for like 4 minutes ill be back

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Have fun kid.

**Knife**

Okay

**pe** **🅱er**

i wont but thanks

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

You should see the comics I have in my collection then, apparently they made Daredevil comics with out you knowing.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I do not miss being a teenager.

That is odd.

**pe** **🅱er**

do they make spiderman ones

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Of course they do.

**pe** **🅱er**

WAIT mr wade did you know im spiderman because btw im Spiderman

**Knife**

Duh Spider-Man is the best hero

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Agreed.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I also have one oddly called Deadpool kills the marvel universe

What kinda crack are these people smoking?

**pe** **🅱er**

dont tell anyone tho im not about that life

hhbnn since when do you like spidrman best

**Knife**

Who you asking?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Since I met you.

**pe** **🅱er**

both ig

oh

really

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Of course.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Oh damn, they made Deadpool comics as well!

Rob liefield, who the fuck is that?

Sounds like a douchebag

wink

On the topic of the multiverse

**Not Peter’s Dad**

The what.

Man, I'm just trying to have a goddamn chimi.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok i cried im good now

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Hello, have you forgotten I have a time watch that can let me fuck with any universe and any point in history?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

That was fast.

We are aware, yes.

**pe** **🅱er**

i have no MEMORY im busy stressing :/

I think mj was right maybe i have anxiety

**Not Peter’s Dad**

What're you gonna do Wilson, kill me?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

As I was saying, apparently a universe exists where we are all movie characters.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

No shit kid.

**pe** **🅱er**

please don't kill him

actually do

he's being MEAN

**Knife**

Okay that’s done for now

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Nah I know you would snap my neck in 2 seconds flat b

**pe** **🅱er**

but only a little

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sweet.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I'm being mean?

**pe** **🅱er**

bo

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I just got here

**pe** **🅱er**

no

mr murdock

sorry

**Knife**

I’m just going back to my cupboard

**pe** **🅱er**

can i come

wait i don't want to nvm

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I ain't gonna kill Murdock, he helped me with that court shit back in Russia.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Why are you so freaked, Natasha?

Fucking hate Russians.

**pe** **🅱er**

i know why but i cant say

**Not Peter’s Dad**

No offense.

**Knife**

I am Russian

**pe** **🅱er**

and i can't lie because i suck at lyig

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You're fine, but for the most part they really suck.

**Knife**

True

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Nice one Peter.

**pe** **🅱er**

nice WHAT

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cover.

**pe** **🅱er**

do you think im joking im not joking i can't tell you

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I don't doubt that, but watching you struggle is funny.

**pe** **🅱er**

im not struggling im fine it's fine i won't tell yoy

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cool, cool.

**pe** **🅱er**

cool cool cool

i won't tell you im sorry mr murdock

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fair enough.

**pe** **🅱er**

i can't ms natasha wouldn't be happy :/

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

What did i miss

**pe** **🅱er**

Nothing ITS FINE

i can't Lie

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cough.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Take the dog for a walk and i come back to This

**pe** **🅱er**

please change the subject im SO CLOSE TO SPILLING

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Natasha is freaking out and nobody will tell me why, so I'm just going to continue eating.

**pe** **🅱er**

I CANT TELL YOY

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You can tell me

**pe** **🅱er**

YOU KNOW

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh

**pe** **🅱er**

it's.

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

OH

**pe** **🅱er**

yknow

YEAH

**Knife**

I’m in a cupboard Clint help

**pe** **🅱er**

I CANT HELP MYSELF I CANT KEEP SECRETS

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Shit

**pe** **🅱er**

PLEASE

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Should I head out? Seeing as I am the only one not in the know, I think it might be reasonable to assume I am the cause of the stress. I don't mind, if that's the case.

**pe** **🅱er**

i vote no i like you :/

**Knife**

no

don’t go

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nah its way more fun this way

**pe** **🅱er**

YPURE HAVING FUN???

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cool, because this food is good.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok so um

subject change

what's a subject that isn't this mess and isn't MY mess

**Not Peter’s Dad**

How's school?

Wait no fuck.

**pe** **🅱er**

summer????

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Shut up I know.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok sorrh

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Uh.

How's work?

**pe** **🅱er**

???? the internship or patrolling

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Y'know what, actually, just shoot me.

**pe** **🅱er**

no i csnt

HOWS MR FOGGY

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Why is nothing easy.

**pe** **🅱er**

good topic go me

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Oh, he's doing pretty well. Got a hair cut. Terrifying.

**pe** **🅱er**

oh cool cool cool

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm so used to hearing it swish around all the time, it freaks me out when I don't hear it but he's around.

**pe** **🅱er**

Ah

very cool

very very cool cool cool

i suck at tgis

**Not Peter’s Dad**

He knows and keeps using it to scare the shit out of me.

Yeah, you do.

**pe** **🅱er**

IM SORRY

i can't not say it but i cant say it

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Eh.

**pe** **🅱er**

hjfnf

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I can leave if you want. Secrets are important.

**Knife**

Ya know what just say it idc anymore I’m literally in a cupboard and very hard to find so go ahead

**pe** **🅱er**

he can smell you but ok

 **@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law** can i say it

mr clint Pls

AAAAAA

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I think he's taking a shit.

**pe** **🅱er**

this is horrible i hate being alive

thanks for sharing

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Me too.

Anytime.

**pe** **🅱er**

FNFNFNBBBFNF CAN I JUST SAY

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cough.

**pe** **🅱er**

i can't sfoP myself forever pls im SO DUMB

**Knife**

**@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Just put down your phone or something.

**Knife**

**@Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

**pe** **🅱er**

aNF DO WHAT

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Eat more? I don't know, you're not five. Entertain yourself.

**pe** **🅱er**

yes i am :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Shit. That explains so much.

**pe** **🅱er**

sorry i missed out on being a normal 5 year old my parents were busy dying :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Same. Ish.

**pe** **🅱er**

nice

**Not Peter’s Dad**

High five.

**pe** **🅱er**

HHbng

ok

**Not Peter’s Dad**

There's a cat two blocks away. I want to pet her.

**pe** **🅱er**

do you want me to go get the cat

i totally will

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yes.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok brb

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Have fun.

**pe** **🅱er**

where is the cat

i don't see it

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Look harder.

She's hiding.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

where,

**Not Peter’s Dad**

This is a training excercise.

**pe** **🅱er**

i

did you hide a cat.

to train me

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Maybe.

**pe** **🅱er**

MR MURDOCK :/

i think it's a raccoon.

i see a raccoon.

do you want it??

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I know what a raccoon smells like.

**pe** **🅱er**

????

**Not Peter’s Dad**

No, it could have rabies. Don't touch it.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok????

i would be fine???

i think

what happens if you get rabies and are a human

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You get a big shot in your gut. It sucks.

Alternatively, you die painfully.

**pe** **🅱er**

ah

cool

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yeah.

**pe** **🅱er**

ms natasha likes you

FUCK I DID IT

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Excuse me?

**pe** **🅱er**

nothING

NOTHING

i was joking NOTHIN

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Okay.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

cool

sorry haha funny joke right

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yeah.

**pe** **🅱er**

haha

haha

ha

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I think I should go home now.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok sorry

uh

sleep well?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

S'fine. Seeya, kid. There was no cat, I was just fucking with you.

**pe** **🅱er**

WHY

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Because it was funny.

**pe** **🅱er**

I,

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Kid, what're you doing.

**pe** **🅱er**

nothing

definitely notging

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Uhuh.

**pe** **🅱er**

you can't ask me questions like that you know i can't lie

**Not Peter’s Dad**

My bad.

**pe** **🅱er**

yeah

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Seriously though, what're you doing?

**pe** **🅱er**

nothin

jus uh

goin on a walk?

past curfew jus for funsies you know

**Not Peter’s Dad**

To?

**pe** **🅱er**

around???

**Not Peter’s Dad**

C'mon kid, just make this easier for both of us.

**pe** **🅱er**

How Do I Do That

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Just tell me what you're doing. No beating around the bush.

**pe** **🅱er**

following yoy

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Because.

**pe** **🅱er**

dunno

do you like them

i mean

her

sorry

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Them?

**pe** **🅱er**

uh

her?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You said them.

**pe** **🅱er**

i messed up?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

We're past that. You said them.

**pe** **🅱er**

i meant her

do you like her

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You said them and meant it. Don't lie to me.

**pe** **🅱er**

i DID mean her

i just

i could have meant them as well

but this rime

i just meant her

do you like her.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

That literally does not make any sense.

**pe** **🅱er**

that's fine

do you like her

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Stop deflecting.

**pe** **🅱er**

you're deflecting too????

i know of 2 people that like you

ok

and i maY have. messed up my words

but.

do you like her

please just.tell me

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not answering that. I have tact.

**pe** **🅱er**

i think you do

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm going home. I need to think.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Why are you still following me?

**pe** **🅱er**

fun?

**Not Peter’s Dad**

No?

**pe** **🅱er**

I'm.

having fun

maybe

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Christ kid just spill the beans.

**pe** **🅱er**

i think you know who else likes you but if you don't it's mr clint

and i KNOW you said you dont like anyone right now but i think you do and Oh shit are you ok

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yeah I'm fine.

**pe** **🅱er**

i think you like them mr murdock

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not answering that.

**pe** **🅱er**

wasnt a question

you spend time with them all the time

and whatever i know you share trauma or whatever or youre just friends but

i think you like them

and i know it's not my business but i know they like you and i think you deserve to be happy

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I don't know, okay?

**pe** **🅱er**

im not saying you have to know im just saying keep an open mind

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fine. Okay.

**pe** **🅱er**

thank toy

you

im sorry for upsetting you

**Not Peter’s Dad**

It's fine.

**pe** **🅱er**

i just. i dunno i want you to be happy

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Thank you.

**pe** **🅱er**

do you want me to go

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I don't know.

It's late.

**pe** **🅱er**

i don't know what that means

like in this situation

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Do whatever you want.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok time to be anxious about ned agsin

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fuck not this again.

Peter, I've hidden another cat.

**pe** **🅱er**

I'm not thAT GULLIBLE

but where is it just in case

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fourth street.

**pe** **🅱er**

ok cool omw

you're lying to me aren't you.

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You are that gullible.

**pe** **🅱er**

sh

**pe** **🅱er**

time to search for crime

crime time crime time

**mr stonks**

Dude

Go to bed

**pe** **🅱er**

oh dear

no :(

**mr stonks**

Why not?

**pe** **🅱er**

I'm OOOGA BOOGA

why don't YOU sleep my sources say you haven't slept in awhile

**mr stonks**

Stop talking to friday about my health

**pe** **🅱er**

**mr stonks**

At least go home kid, aunt hottie will worry

**pe** **🅱er**

she's sleepin alreadu

so

and if she wakes up she'll text me and ask where i sm

plus it's only like. a little after curfew

**mr stonks**

Youre still breaking her rules and as you said, tonight is quiet

**pe** **🅱er**

yea well uhhhh

**mr stonks**

New york can handle without spiderman for 1 night, if it makes you feel better ill fly around

**pe** **🅱er**

i can't go to bed

**mr stonks**

Why not?

**pe** **🅱er**

ned said he needs some time

**mr stonks**

Thats okay, that means he has to process stuff

**pe** **🅱er**

yeah but im SCARED so i cant sleep

also i messed up

**mr stonks**

Do you wanna come over to the compound and watch movies?

Also wanna talk about it?

**pe** **🅱er**

i guess

i told mr murdock

that uh

some people had a crush on him

**mr stonks**

Some people just shut down if there are too many emotions or try to get away from situation

Maybe he just needs some time aswell

**pe** **🅱er**

he's not mad or anything

it's just like oof i wish i could keep secrets

harleys gonna find out i like him.

**mr stonks**

Its okay to not be able to keep secrerts in realationships it leads to healthier communication and openess with partners

Im sure ned appreciates you telling him instead of keeping it to yourself and feeling guilty about it

I still feel as if you 3 should have a discussion on what to do

**pe** **🅱er**

hhhn

ned said he would text me soon

and i guess we figure out what to do from there

idk why harley needs to be in the convo he doesn't like me

**mr stonks**

Did you ask him if he did?

**pe** **🅱er**

feels pretty clear to me :/

**mr stonks**

Okay

Child

**pe** **🅱er**

what

hi

**mr stonks**

Talk to him. Cause he'll know somethings off and you can still be friends with people you are attracted to

**pe** **🅱er**

he doesn't knOw

**mr stonks**

As you said you're terrible at keeping secrets

Not to mention he can just look at this conversation

**pe** **🅱er**

he wont

s fine i guess

i just don't want Ned to break up with me

**mr stonks**

Thsts fair

Just give him space and he'll talk when he's ready

Go to bed bud

**pe** **🅱er**

m awka

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I found spongebob on amazon prime

**pe** **🅱er**

hi mr clint mr murdock knows.

im awakr dw mr stark

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Sh nope

**pe** **🅱er**

nope what

bruj

im sooo awake

**pe** **🅱er**

mr stark im coLD

**mr stonks**

Then get a blanket

**pe** **🅱er**

:(((

can i hug you

**mr stonks**

Sure

**pe** **🅱er**

thanks

im stillawakr

**mr stonks**

Go to sleep kid

**pe** **🅱er**

can you tell aumt may im stayingn here tonighy

**mr stonks**

Yeah, I'll text her

**pe** **🅱er**

thsmks

**mr stonks**

No problem

**pe** **🅱er**

mr stark

are you gonna sleep too

**mr stonks**

Of course kid

**pe** **🅱er**

mk

may saus im like a koala wjrm im tired

**mr stonks**

Ive noticed

**pe** **🅱er**

friday saod youre tired

**mr stonks**

Youre tired too

I dont see your point

**pe** **🅱er**

yea well im actually planning on sleeping :(

**mr stonks**

I am too?

**pe** **🅱er**

not true

you're still working on your phone

if you were going to bed you woildmt be

and you wouldve taken off your shoes

checkmate, atheist

**mr stonks**

Go to bed kid

Its not your job to worry about me

**pe** **🅱er**

ill tell mr rhodey

ill tell mr cap he'll get all apologetic and all you know he will

im going to sleep right herewhile cuddling you pls also sleep

**mr stonks**

I will try


	16. suicide is scary

**pe** **🅱er**

imup

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Sad.

**pe** **🅱er**

:(

ned hasn't texted me

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Give him time.

**pe** **🅱er**

i am

i haven't texted him EITHER

**Not Peter’s Dad**

I'm sorry kid. I know this sucks.

**pe** **🅱er**

s fine i huess

**pe** **🅱er**

im up pt 2

i fell back asleep

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Wow.

**pe** **🅱er**

why wow

ok so he still hasn't texted me back time to Literally Die

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Damn. Okay.

**pe** **🅱er**

cool

ooga booga frifk

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

**pe** **🅱er**

oh gof

**Not Peter’s Dad**

What.

**pe** **🅱er**

oh god i was supposed to give the pigs back soon what if he's not done needing time by then OR what if he hates me

WHO GETS THE PIGD

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Chill.

**pe** **🅱er**

i guess mj probably gets them.

Righy

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You'll get the pigs.

**pe** **🅱er**

why,

what makes you so sure

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Because he doesnt hate you.

**pe** **🅱er**

you literally have no proof

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Actually, I've met Ned. That's more than enough.

**pe** **🅱er**

i don't know how that's proof

**Not Peter’s Dad**

You clearly haven't met Ned.

**pe** **🅱er**

i feel offended

of course ive met ned

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Doubt.

**pe** **🅱er**

dufe

dude

i introduced . you to him

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yeah.

**pe** **🅱er**

i think i would kill someone for ned :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Me too.

**pe** **🅱er**

oh dear

**pe** **🅱er**

hbfngngng i entertained myself for a little and now i am worried again

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

So I have decided on what time in history where I wanna go.

**pe** **🅱er**

when?

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Wiping out Hitler.

Before he gets to power.

**pe** **🅱er**

just a quick thought.

wouldnt that

mess up history

like a LOT

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

How so?

**pe** **🅱er**

like

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Generally speaking, that would eliminate the biggest threat to a entire Community.

**pe** **🅱er**

i agree that it was bad but like

wouldnt that

mess up time???

like

would our memories all change??

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Ok let's scratch that from the board.

**pe** **🅱er**

like idk you have like a time turner right

did you ever

read that book

called the cursed child

where they had time turners

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I have a time watch, not a time Turner

**pe** **🅱er**

because they messed EVERYTHING up a few times

yeah p much the same thing right

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Ok lemme redo this

How about I go back in time and just adopt baby Hitler so he doesn't turn into a evil bastard

My movie self did it and it turned out fine.

Wait....

**pe** **🅱er**

can you go back and stop the spider from biting me

OH or stop my parents from dying big brain

but then again

i kinda feel like my life is ok rn

and i wouldnt have the family i have now

so actually dont ig

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

So I've decided on what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go on a little Manson family hunt.

Anybody have any spare grenades?

**pe** **🅱er**

nah im fresg out

**pe** **🅱er**

if he doesnt reply by tomorrow night can i legally move to a new state and switch my name and create a new life

 **@lifes punching bag** do you wanna switch identities

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hm.

**pe** **🅱er**

hi mr murdock

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Hey kid.

**pe** **🅱er**

in case you couldnt tell

he hasnt messsahe me

and im KINDA freakin out

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Nothin' I can really do about that, sorry.

**pe** **🅱er**

s cool

not your fault

kinda my fault

hhhhhh mj said he would probably messahe me tomorrow cos i guess hes been talking to her about it all but hjdfjfhj'

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Guess all we can do is hope for the best.

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

parker luck tho :/

**lifes punching bag**

possibly

**pe** **🅱er**

oh go

**lifes punching bag**

how much you payin

**pe** **🅱er**

uh

idk

you dont know what im talking about right

i mean

like

after the switching identities right

right

right

oh god

i think im going to die of embarrassment someday

this is so upsetting but i think ? im safe

**pe** **🅱er**

oh god he texted me

what do i do

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Die.

Or respond.

**pe** **🅱er**

D:

i havent read it yet

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Read it, dipshit.

**pe** **🅱er**

BUT WHAT IF ITS BAD

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Either way, you have to read it.

**pe** **🅱er**

no i dont

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Do it or I'll kill you.

**pe** **🅱er**

jokes on you i waNT To die

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Not how I'll make it happen.

**pe** **🅱er**

damn

ok fine ill read it

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Cool.

**pe** **🅱er**

oh god

he asked me to come by

around

11:30

but its

past then

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Well go.

Move it.

**pe** **🅱er**

iM goIng

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Go faster.

**pe** **🅱er**

all he said is that we need to talk

is he gonna break up with me

im swingin im goin as fast as i can

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Stop texting and go find out.

**pe** **🅱er**

IM GOING

i can text and swing :/

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Doubtful.

**pe** **🅱er**

jerj

ow

window

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Dumbass.

**pe** **🅱er**

D:

ok im uh Here and scared

bye

wish me luck

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Eh.

_[_ 12:00 AM _]_

**pe** **🅱er**

guys

im gonna cry he doesnt wanna break up :,)

Not Peter's Dad

Cool.

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

_[_ Private chat created between **@ned.** , **@lifes punching bag** , and **@peter :(**. _]_

**pe** **🅱er**

um so

we need to talk harley

and ned is here bc it relates to him

**lifes punching bag**

?

**pe** **🅱er**

um

ok

so

i know

you said im like

your little brother or whatever

and i dont want things to be weird

but

i kinda like you

and i dont know rlly what to do and ned thinks i should tell you and all

and

yeah

**lifes punching bag**

so

like

a poly?

**pe** **🅱er**

i mean

**lifes punching bag**

is what your asking?

**pe** **🅱er**

i didnt really

**lifes punching bag**

so what your asking

**pe** **🅱er**

think you liked me

**lifes punching bag**

is to use me

to get

twice the amount

of dick

?

**pe** **🅱er**

no

**lifes punching bag**

im down with that.

**pe** **🅱er**

no no

ewhat

waht

what

no i dont . have sex im ??? trans

**lifes punching bag**

.

**pe** **🅱er**

i mean i guess i could

but im not rlly in a place wherei Would

im just

**lifes punching bag**

..

**pe** **🅱er**

i didnt think you liked me

**lifes punching bag**

so your saying

**pe** **🅱er**

what is happening

**lifes punching bag**

ur planning ahead

to get

**pe** **🅱er**

No

**lifes punching bag**

two times

the dick

**pe** **🅱er**

im saying

im sorry BUT i like you and i dont know how to STOP That

?????? its not about dick

i didnt. think you would like me???? so i havent. thought about that side of thinga

and like. i dont ??? wanna ruin our friendship and i know ive been kinda avoiding you because of it and im sorry about that

?????????????

 **@lifes punching bag** harley pls idk what to do here and now you made it seem like??? you mIGHt like me and i dont unDERSTAND please

**lifes punching bag**

B))

**pe** **🅱er**

what

does that

MEAN

**lifes punching bag**

**pe** **🅱er**

wh

does????

what

are you

doing a serious

**lifes punching bag**

Darlin

am i ever serious?

**pe** **🅱er**

hi

no

occasionally

lifes punching bag 07/10/2020

**pe** **🅱er**

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**lifes punching bag**

im only serious in discussin myself dyin 

**pe** **🅱er**

this waSNT one of the OPTIONS you were supposed to be like "ew gross" and then block me :/

im so confused are you joking about liking me and you DO just view me as a brother or what

**lifes punching bag**

if i acctually saw you as a brother this would be incest

and I am from the south darlin

**pe** **🅱er**

i KNOW and what does that MEAN

oh alabama????

**lifes punching bag**

**pe** **🅱er**

pleas,

what . do we do from here

like

**lifes punching bag**

if your other darlin wants to share i'll take a bite

**pe** **🅱er**

are you ok youre acting so weird tonight

**lifes punching bag**

im fiiiine

**pe** **🅱er**

ok so

by take a bite

do you mean.

date

**lifes punching bag**

no i mean murder you

of course i mean date

**ned.**

peter what else would he mean

**pe** **🅱er**

i dont know i have -3 braincells

**lifes punching bag**

did he just-

hack

into-

okay.

**pe** **🅱er**

??????? hes been here

**lifes punching bag**

im dumb.

**ned.**

apparently you both are

**pe** **🅱er**

so um

**lifes punching bag**

darlin i've been dumb since i was born.

**pe** **🅱er**

am i dating both of you now?????

**lifes punching bag**

nice to finally meetcha cowboy.

**pe** **🅱er**

ive been dumb since you were born too!

**ned.**

i mean im cool with you 2 dating i think ?

idk i think it will be A Challenge to figure out what everyone is comfortable with??

but i think it would be cool?

**pe** **🅱er**

are we daTING please

**lifes punching bag**

sure

**ned.**

my bfs finally growing up and getting more bfs :,)

also harley if you hurt him i will end you but anyway can't wait to complain about him together

_[_ Private chat closed. _]_

**lifes punching bag**

so

despite being high on pain meds right noww

this is the best day of my liffe

**pe** **🅱er**

AH THATS WHAT IT IS

why

**lifes punching bag**

whAT

oh

this isnt

abbys dms

fuck

**pe** **🅱er**

?????????????

WHAT DO YOU MEAN

**lifes punching bag**

nothin

**pe** **🅱er**

why is today the best day

D:

why are you high on pain meds

**lifes punching bag**

cus

i can be

**pe** **🅱er**

sounds like drug addiction but ok

and you didNT ANSWER ME go back into my dms

im kinda offended.

that EVERYONE was right about thi

other than me

ive been freaking out for like

4 days

when EVERYONE was like "oh itll be fine"

**ned.**

thats because you are a himbo. but we love you

**pe** **🅱er**

D:

_[_ Private chat created between **@lifes punching bag** and **@peter :(**. _]_

**pe** **🅱er**

but uh harley??????? wtf is up why are you high on pain meds

HARLEY????????????? your tweeT?????

**lifes punching bag**

what

**pe** **🅱er**

did you

yknow

uh

yknow

**lifes punching bag**

no

im not that suicidal smh

**pe** **🅱er**

then why are you high on pain meds

**lifes punching bag**

cus its funny

**pe** **🅱er**

harley

dude

hhhhhhh ok

what do boyfriends do

**lifes punching bag**

exist

**pe** **🅱er**

why do you keep tweeting worrying things

you do realize i have notifications on right

on one hand

"bf" JDNGJGJGDDG

on other hand

STOP TWEETING AND REPLY TO ME

country boy pls

**lifes punching bag**

m

im tireeed

:(

**pe** **🅱er**

D:

where are you

**lifes punching bag**

lemmee sleeeep

is jus a joke its fiine

in my rooom

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

im on my way

dont tell aunt may its past my curfew

**lifes punching bag**

noooooooooooooo

im fineee

need

ttell him

**pe** **🅱er**

?????

**lifes punching bag**

:(

**pe** **🅱er**

OH

**lifes punching bag**

im lockjing my fdors

**pe** **🅱er**

ill make friday unlock them

or come in the window

or the vent

my point is

i will find a way in

**lifes punching bag**

sftop

**pe** **🅱er**

if you dont let me in maybe ill just tell mr stark. that you did some kinda NONSENSE

**lifes punching bag**

wha nosnes darluidsn

**pe** **🅱er**

whatever reason you have for pain meds

idk what kinda injury you got

since apparently???? no one knows

so idk what it could be but i WILL find out

**lifes punching bag**

mahrear hus

my sntdews

:((((((

**pe** **🅱er**

sntdews??????????

**lifes punching bag**

nsdessssssssssss

**pe** **🅱er**

country boy you gotta work with me here i cant read gibberish

**lifes punching bag**

soooooo tdrd maekn tno hrrt

**pe** **🅱er**

pls

**lifes punching bag**

mmmm

**pe** **🅱er**

just ask friday to type for you or somethinh

**lifes punching bag**

sleeeep

**pe** **🅱er**

nO

**lifes punching bag**

sssssssssssssssleep

**pe** **🅱er**

you cant sleep until i get there and make sure you dont have like

a concussion or something

ok

**lifes punching bag**

nnnnnnno

selpe

**pe** **🅱er**

just wait until i get there please

**lifes punching bag**

mtired

npt a cncson

**pe** **🅱er**

im coming in through the vents

then what IS it

**lifes punching bag**

onnoo

nnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooo

**pe** **🅱er**

hi

**lifes punching bag**

no

**pe** **🅱er**

oh my god???

**lifes punching bag**

wha

**pe** **🅱er**

harley

**lifes punching bag**

whaaa

**pe** **🅱er**

your room is a MessTM

**lifes punching bag**

oh

**pe** **🅱er**

how did you get injured

**lifes punching bag**

wads lookin for my hddoe

lifeee

**pe** **🅱er**

whats a hddoe

**lifes punching bag**

hdddieee

**pe** **🅱er**

phone??? die???? hoodie????

**lifes punching bag**

die

**pe** **🅱er**

????????

ok whatever

**lifes punching bag**

hdie

**pe** **🅱er**

i brought a change of clothes and im sleeping over ok

**lifes punching bag**

onno

no

fikenm

**pe** **🅱er**

why not :(

**lifes punching bag**

mfine

**pe** **🅱er**

maybe im not fine :(

**lifes punching bag**

meane

mmm

**pe** **🅱er**

is this a genuine you dont want me to be here or you dont want me to Be worried so you dont want me to be here

**lifes punching bag**

mayb snot so bad din wook

cus city byo lskes me

<3

**pe** **🅱er**

i do like you yes

but what didnt work

wait

wait a second

**lifes punching bag**

mtireed

**pe** **🅱er**

-you took pain meds but obviously more than you should have

-mr starks not freaking out about your injuries

-"not so bad it didnt work"

-your Extra suicidal tweets

.

harley please tell me that you did NOT try what i think you tried

**lifes punching bag**

msleeeepty

**pe** **🅱er**

no ???

you cant sleep idk if youre fine

**lifes punching bag**

dinwkrk

nopt enogujhh

**pe** **🅱er**

um

come on

were going to the medbay ok

**lifes punching bag**

nooooooo

**pe** **🅱er**

yes

_[_ Private chat closed. _]_

**lifes punching bag**

make him stofp

hwads bengds mean

**pe** **🅱er**

what does that MEAN

**lifes punching bag**

mweqAAAAAAA

bneng mean

**pe** **🅱er**

im not being mean

hey uh

is anyone up

what do you do

if uh

something happened

**lifes punching bag**

im somethgn

**pe** **🅱er**

no you arent

**lifes punching bag**

heeeeeeeeeeeelp

beng kdnapppeed

**pe** **🅱er**

being LOVED

**lifes punching bag**

kDNAPPPP

KDNAAAAAAAAAAAAP

**pe** **🅱er**

oh hush

**lifes punching bag**

eeHLPP

HElp

 **@Knife** nATATAAAA

HelPPP

**pe** **🅱er**

.

**lifes punching bag**

;-;

kdnAApppinggg

**Knife**

What happened?

**lifes punching bag**

waann nappp not kdnaapp

**pe** **🅱er**

hes fine ms natasha im not kidnapping

ok so rundown on what happened

**lifes punching bag**

nto fair

blyytu

**Knife**

Also my name is Natata now I guess

**lifes punching bag**

bultly

ue

ye

natata

:0

**pe** **🅱er**

-ned and i are cool and harley and i are ALSO dating now

-harleys way more suicidal than we all realized

-harley ALSO apparently took too many pain meds so im taking him to the medbay

**Natata**

I’ll help you

**pe** **🅱er**

but like its fine im only freaking out on the inside

**Natata**

And good for you kiddo

**lifes punching bag**

sno scdallll

is..

hjjatre flifee

haterddd fo liffeee

**pe** **🅱er**

thats suicidal

i know

mj told me

**lifes punching bag**

no

dferent

nataataa

je;p

lehp

**pe** **🅱er**

sigh

**Natata**

No

**lifes punching bag**

buttttttttttttt

**pe** **🅱er**

ms natasha im kinda freakin out

**pe** **🅱er**

like idk what to do!!!!!!! im just taking him to the medbay but like

**Natata**

He’s lucky he didn’t OD or anything

He’s just high

**pe** **🅱er**

should i still take him??????

**Natata**

Yeah

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

**Natata**

I’ll meet you there

**pe** **🅱er**

thank you

**lifes punching bag**

sno otooo bad cuctyboy lke meeeeeeeeeee

**pe** **🅱er**

am i cuctyboy now

**lifes punching bag**

cuctbyooooyyy

**Natata**

Just roll with it

**pe** **🅱er**

cool cool cool

anyway when you get here can you watch him for like 10 minutes so i can go scream in a room

**Natata**

I’m glad that one person on the team kind of has their social/romantic life together now

**pe** **🅱er**

i DONT

**Natata**

And yeah I’ll watch him

I said kind of

**pe** **🅱er**

i dont kNOW HOW TO BE A GOOD BOYFRIEND TO 2 PEOPLE

**Natata**

Just be you

**lifes punching bag**

ehehehee

tooooo diccs

**pe** **🅱er**

barley,

i

**lifes punching bag**

:))))

isss more dan flaaashy get

**pe** **🅱er**

are you saying i have better game than flash

**lifes punching bag**

@fuck you, specifically bckucy

pe dre doub eh get more gam dan fashlesh

**pe** **🅱er**

i

**lifes punching bag**

stoanyrkkkkkkk

**pe** **🅱er**

?????????????

**lifes punching bag**

mmmmmmmm

sleeeep

**pe** **🅱er**

nO

**Natata**

He’s fine

**pe** **🅱er**

are you sure

**Natata**

Yeah

**pe** **🅱er**

hhhhhhhhh

**Natata**

It’s okay

I’ll knock some sense into him later

**pe** **🅱er**

im texting his mom and sister

wait

**lifes punching bag**

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**pe** **🅱er**

should i do that??

idk

**lifes punching bag**

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooo

**pe** **🅱er**

his mom should know right

**lifes punching bag**

oooooooooooooooo

**pe** **🅱er**

but like

**lifes punching bag**

ooooooooooooooooooo

**pe** **🅱er**

is it mine to tell her

**lifes punching bag**

ooooooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooo

**pe** **🅱er**

no shes his guardian im just telling her

**lifes punching bag**

ooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**pe** **🅱er**

fuck

**lifes punching bag**

o

**pe** **🅱er**

abby knows?

**lifes punching bag**

o

oooo

oooooo

oooooooooooo

**pe** **🅱er**

harley shh

**lifes punching bag**

ooooooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**pe** **🅱er**

harley. pls

**lifes punching bag**

no

m

dpn

dn

tel

dt

tonyy

**pe** **🅱er**

fine

i guess

**Natata**

Tell them

**pe** **🅱er**

i will

uh

im letting him Not Tell mr stark

until morning

**Natata**

Okay

I’m not sure what happened exactly

**pe** **🅱er**

uh

i can dm you?

**Natata**

Yeah

_[_ Private chat created between **@Natata** and **@peter :(**. _]_

**pe** **🅱er**

ok so

he was acting weird

so i figuredi should come over and check on him

and idk he let too many things slip and i figurd it out

ms natasha im kinda freaking out wht do i even do

**Natata**

Wait to try talking to him until tomorrow

Figure out what’s wrong

**pe** **🅱er**

but like

**Natata**

Just don’t come off too strong when asking

**pe** **🅱er**

i know i ake fun of therapy but is that what he needs????

**Natata**

Just offer to talk whenever he needs it

**pe** **🅱er**

im scared ms natasha i mean were all kinda suicidal but hes serious and idk!!!!!!! what i do

**Natata**

You can bring the idea up in time

Just lend support and keep an eye on him

**pe** **🅱er**

okay

ill tell mr stark in the morning if he refuses to i guess

**Natata**

It’s all you can do, you don’t want to be overwhelming

Okay

Also I’d like to say something off topic

I don’t blame you for yesterday

okay?

That was a shitshow

**pe** **🅱er**

im sory

i messed up with that

idk

**Natata**

It’s okay

If you want we can have a worry party

**pe** **🅱er**

im gonna uh check his room for. any other stuff yknow

**Natata**

Yeah okay

I’ll keep an eye on him

**pe** **🅱er**

thank you

im gonna call ned too im freaking out a little

_[_ Private chat closed. _]_


	17. suicide is scary pt 2

_[_ 1:43 AM _]_

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Natttt

**pe** **🅱er**

hi mr clint

many things went down

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh no. What things

**pe** **🅱er**

i have 2 bfs! one of them is in the medbay because hes apparently suciidal

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Um wut. Who

**pe** **🅱er**

?????? harley

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Aw hell. Is he ok?

**pe** **🅱er**

physically yes

he's staying in the medbay overnighy

passed out

he didn't od but he tried

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh. Lovely. I mean been there. It is...not as good as it sounds. 1/10 would not recommend

**pe** **🅱er**

i mean he made jokes about it and all but like who doesn't make jokes we all make jokes about it it's like the funny gen z thing but he's serious

like what if he HAD died . like he coulda

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

He'll be alright. He's got lots of ppl in his corner

**pe** **🅱er**

idk sorry im freakin out i think it just hit me that he could have died

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

He needs help but he'll be ok

**pe** **🅱er**

i guess

um

ok

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Let him sleep and go visit him tomorrow. I think he'll like that

**pe** **🅱er**

I told his sister. she's telling their mom. and i took out the other meds from his bathroom and i changed into PJs what do i do now

yeah im letting him sleep im just Hhgtbgbg

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You did all the right things.

It sucks but now you just have to wait

Has he had issues before?

**pe** **🅱er**

idk

i think hes been like. depressed before or whatever but nothing this seruous

ive really only hung w him when he visits mr stark before he moved

like we would text each other sometimes like when he made a cool robot or if i saw a cute dog

but nothing serious

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Its hard to see these things. But it gets better. He's got plenty of help. And hes got you

Itll be ok. Just gonna take a minute

**pe** **🅱er**

hffhbbf

okok he's telling mr stark in the morning

and then idk i think mr stark will want to make friday tell him if anything like this happens agajn

but why didn't friday tell him this timw

oh god did he hack friday

ok whatever im texting aunt may and i gotta apologize for leaving after curfew AGAIN and then idk explain a little so she won't ground me

ok h

everything i can do . is done

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Take a breather kid

**pe** **🅱er**

so um time to sit in the medbay and be anxious ig

im fine

so un

um

did you talk to mr murdock

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No.

**pe** **🅱er**

are you

going ro

to

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I

Maybe

Eventually

**pe** **🅱er**

are you mad that i told him

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No. I just dont really know what to say

**pe** **🅱er**

  1. him or me



**Natata**

This was a bad time to check my phone

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

To him

Nattttt

Come over pls

I need a buddy

Also a hug maybe

**pe** **🅱er**

s fine if you go ms natasha im jus gonna chill until he wakes up

**Natata**

You’re sure?

**pe** **🅱er**

um

ye

**Natata**

I don’t want anything to happen to either of you

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh wait if youre hanging w the kid

I can wait

**pe** **🅱er**

it's ok

you. could come here if you want too

**Natata**

Camp out in the medbay?

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You sure you want me there?

**pe** **🅱er**

who does that mean

**Natata**

Who

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Idk i barely know the kid

**pe** **🅱er**

i mean idk it's fine either way

ms natasha can leave if she wants im fine(?)

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nah ill come

Ill leave lucky w simone and the kids. They'll be thrilled

**pe** **🅱er**

lucky can come

if you want to bring him i mean

ive brought stray animals before and mr stark always says it's fine

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh cool ok. Should i pick up food?

**pe** **🅱er**

i don't feel like i coudl eat honeslty but if you and ms nat are hungry yeah

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Youre a super teen you can always eat

**pe** **🅱er**

i don't think i even ate dinner today was really weird

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Definitely bringing food

**pe** **🅱er**

??? ok i guess i mean there's probably food here if you're hungry

this floor is not even fun to walk in circles on and my nails are too short to bite

what do i even do at this point

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Eat your feelings

**pe** **🅱er**

why

hhhhh

i COULD bite my toenails ig but that sounds gross

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No dont

Pls

Dear lord

**pe** **🅱er**

i wont

im just like

ugh

he could have died like

why does everyone die

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

He didnt die. Focus on that. And now hes getting help

**pe** **🅱er**

ok

are you bringing lucky

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

We are on the subway. There is a man in a whoopie cushion costume

**pe** **🅱er**

inch resting

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I have pizza but he is eyeing it and I don't feel good about this

**pe** **🅱er**

who is eyeing it

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Whoopie cushion man. I mean i can take him w both hands full but i dont really want to fight a civilian

**pe** **🅱er**

ah yea

you're bringing lucky right

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yep. One hand has leash. Other hand has pizza

**pe** **🅱er**

ok cool

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Walkin over now

**pe** **🅱er**

sorry i just really like lucky he calms me down idk why

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Tell stark or someone to let me in

Its bc he is a Good Boi

**pe** **🅱er**

i told fridau

he's the best boy

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Thanks last time i was locked out for hours

**pe** **🅱er**

??? did you try asking friday to let you in

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Well. Not that time.

Anyway pizza

And dog

**pe** **🅱er**

hi lucky

enjoy your pizza

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh he will. Only 1 slice tho hes been well fed today

**pe** **🅱er**

that was directed at you but ok

hhh

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh. Well I will too? You sure you dont want anything? Food is probably good

**pe** **🅱er**

im fine

i had lunch i think

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

That is...not reassuring

**pe** **🅱er**

why not

it was meant to be reassuring please be reassured

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I am not

Eat some pizza. Then ill be reassured

**pe** **🅱er**

im not hunfty

i can't eat when im really worried its just how it is

hhhhhhh

what if he's not ok

ok whatever it's fine im fine he's fine

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

He'll be ok. Ppl are watchin him now.

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

igues

i would die for lucky

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

At this point lucky has a squad. He likes you though

**pe** **🅱er**

have you thought about him becoming a service dog or something he's really comforting

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Doesnt normally curl up w anyone but me and kate

**pe** **🅱er**

idk i guess a therapy dog maybe is better term idk much about it

but like i bet you could get him registered so you could take him everywhere

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Huh no not really. Hes...easily distracted

Ill give it some thought

**pe** **🅱er**

yeah i mean

idk i think they're generally trained young but he's well behaved about this stuff and he's smart

idk if you even would want him to be that i just thought it might be nice

i wish i had a service dog sometimes mj says i have really bad anxiety lol

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Could be cool to bring him to the childrens hospital. I visit sometimes bc yknow

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

i don't like hospitals

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Glad he helps you out though.

Youre welcome to come pet my dog whenever

**pe** **🅱er**

thank u

usually im fine really it's just that if i ramble at school mjs like why don't you have a therapist youre literally freaking out over nothing and then im like bro therapys expensive

she knows that tho she's not dumb she just thinks that mr stark would pay for it if i ask but like i odnt need it yknoe

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I dont think hed mind paying for it

**pe** **🅱er**

i mean that's not even. tgr problem like i cant tell someone im spiderman and also idk it's not like im really messed up i jusy have nightmares and also lose my shit sometimes

mj thinks the whole getting a building collapsed on me was traumatic

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Maybe talk to stark or the rest of us? Weve all got issues

I can only sleep with alcohol or nyquil or nat

**pe** **🅱er**

eh i mean it's not that big of a deal i just get nervous in some buildings and also i have nightmares but thats it

oh and i don't like swimming now but that's it

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Sounds like a big deal

**pe** **🅱er**

nah

sometimes i don't have nightmares about it but usually that means it's about ben and those kinda suck more

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I say this as someone who tends not to talk about this shit, but you should maybe talk to someone. It wont fix things but it'll help

**pe** **🅱er**

no im fine i swear

i mean like really it's not that bad

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Cmon kid. I know that shits no fun. You wouldnt want it to stop if you could get help?

**pe** **🅱er**

therapys dumb and expensive and i don't need it

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I mean fair. But you can talk to ppl you know.

I talk to nat about some of the wildly fucked up stuff in my head

**pe** **🅱er**

how do you even start that conversation

"oh hey how was your week anyway you wanna hear about how it's my fault my uncles dead"

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You say that like every avenger isnt wildly fucked up

Ive had weirder conversations

**pe** **🅱er**

i guess

mr murdock think it wasn't my fault

but it was

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Bet hes right

**pe** **🅱er**

they were worried about me. and i got mad. and stormed out of the apartment

um

ben came after me

and they shot him

and i had my powers and I could have stopped them but i was scared and i didn't and it's my fault

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Not your fault. It sucks but you were being a moody teenager bc thats your job

Whoever shot him. That person sucks

**pe** **🅱er**

s my fault

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Nope. I will die on this hill

**pe** **🅱er**

he didn't. know um

about the spiderman thing or the trans tging

and he never will and thats. really sucky

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Yeah i get that. Its ok to feel shitty about that but you didn't kill him

**pe** **🅱er**

but it's my fault

it became my fault when i could have stopped them and didnt

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Thats not on you. You cant stop everyone

Thats just how it is

**pe** **🅱er**

i wish they had shot me instead

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Then who would do all the good things youve done?

**pe** **🅱er**

i prolly wouldnt have died tho

so

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

You dont know that

Its all just you guessin

**pe** **🅱er**

been shot a few times tho

havent died yet

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

So have I. Youre not special. Just. Ease up on yourself

**pe** **🅱er**

why

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Bc youre a good kid and some bad shits happened to you.

**pe** **🅱er**

i guess

im fine now tho

may made me go to some kinda dumb therapist after he died. and they stopped making me go eventually so

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Therapy is...not fun but a little necessary sometimes

**pe** **🅱er**

not necessary for.me

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

It does help

To talk to ppl i mean

**pe** **🅱er**

im fine tho

like it sucks

but im fine now

as long as the curse doesn't strike again

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Are you fine or are you saying youre fine?

**pe** **🅱er**

probably one of those

im just like

idk i get nervous a lot

yknow

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I get it lol. Trust me I was the same way. But try to keep an open mind

Man Nat would be so proud

**pe** **🅱er**

why

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Im being a responsible adult and giving you real advice instead of sarcasm and bad jokes

**pe** **🅱er**

ah yea

proud of u

um

ned isnt breaking up with mr

me

which is cool

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Told you it would work out

**pe** **🅱er**

yea

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Now you got 2 boyfriends

**pe** **🅱er**

yes

um

i think we need to like

actually talk tomorrow

cos he was like

high

when he agreed to be my bf

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ah yeah fair

I...should also talk to some ppl

**pe** **🅱er**

sorry

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Or i could go shoot stuff for hours instead

**pe** **🅱er**

no

you should at least .

attempt talking to them

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Alternatively i can just. Shoot stuff

**pe** **🅱er**

but you like them

and at least one of them likes you but i personally think they both do

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Ok nat is a miracle and i dont wanna push it

**pe** **🅱er**

dude

i know mr murdock very well

but he does NOT like voicing his feelings

idk if he even realized.

that he can still like people

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

He doesnt. Easy.

**pe** **🅱er**

bruh

he does

i think

im like

93% aure

he didn't instantly go "kid wtf" which he would do if he didn't like you

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

That is not 100%

And you are a fetus what do you know

**pe** **🅱er**

i have 2 bfs

s late

or early

depending how you view it

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I dont need sleep i have evolved past it

**pe** **🅱er**

i gotta stay up

i gotta be up when barley wakes up

i think im hungry i habent eaten in awhil

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Theres still so much pizza eat some

_[_ 5:43 AM _]_

**Loki, God of Stories**

Hello?

**antay anmay**

Hello Loki, how are you & ace doing?

**Loki, God of Stories**

Oh, hello. We're doing well. What of yourself and Cassie?

**antay anmay**

Welp, it’s all quite boring. You know, house arrest one minute, and a global pandemic the next, I’ve been stuck at home for too much of my adult life, and that’s coming from someone who’s served time.

Cassie can always entertain herself, the endless repositories of internet stuff, but I’m quite stumped. Though I guess there is always the online magic course...

Have you ever learned magic? Not like actual magic (though you might have your hand in that bucket as well) but top-hat, card-trick magic? It’s quite fun. Perhaps it would suit you.

_[_ 7:52 AM _]_

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

I know i said i evolved past sleep but i fell asleep

**pe** **🅱er**

impressive

im awake

i think

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I have stolen nelson

Nelson is mine now

Loki can you clone me another nelson

**pe** **🅱er**

pressivr

_[_ 10:37 AM _]_

**lifes punching bag**

m

why the fuck

am i in the medbay

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

Oh boy

We need an adult

**lifes punching bag**

aren't you an adult

**Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law**

No i am incredibly irresponsible

**lifes punching bag**

sometimes i think you're really just a bird in a human trenchaot.

trenchcoat*

anyways why tf am I here

did that random dude on the internet who sent death threats finally commit to killing me :0

**lifes punching bag**

dont ghost me bird man

:(

**lifes punching bag**

**@Not Peter’s Dad** blind man

why am i in the medbay

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Why would I know?

**Natata**

You were stupid kid, that’s why

**lifes punching bag**

whatd i do

**Natata**

Tried to die via painkiller, got very high instead

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Damn, getting your stomach pumped sucks.

**Natata**

He actually didn’t need it

Barely took enough to get him high

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Impressive.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Elaborate.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

One time I got my stomach pumped to the point I looked like that dude from the machinst

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Don't know what you're referencing, but impressive.

I can't see.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

I'm a dummy

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Yeah.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

Fuck u Murdock

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Pass.

**Ryan Reynolds Impersonator**

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fair enough.

**Natata**

I’m going on a mission, it’ll take like a maximum of three hours

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Aw.

**Natata**

I can still be messaged, just may not reply

**Not Peter’s Dad**

Fair enough.

Guess the talk can wait for later.


	18. whoops i abandoned this

hi!

so the server this was based on died. rip. im not emotionally prepared to continue writing these. yeah so phat f. i started a new marvel rp server w my #2 homie matty anyway so join us :)

https://discord.gg/P3jBshG


End file.
